Young Writers Society

The sharp bell chimes loudly, my eyes fly open in shock. I blink a few times, smoothing out the fuzzy world before me. My jaw feels stiff and my teeth are clenched against each other. I lift my head from my doodle stained desk and stare out in a daze at the classroom before me. My class mates are busy clearing off their desks and stuffing papers pencils into binders before exiting through the wooden door at the right side of the room. I unclench my jaw and stand up, my legs snap up and fling my chair into a person crossing behind.

"Ow!" They groan, "What's your freakin' problem!?"

I turn around, "Sorry," I giggle, "I didn't see you." Without another word I turn back to my desk and stuff my work into my fat binder that sat on the floor under my desk.

"Saskia," I hear the teacher sing.

Oh great, she's happy about something, that can't be good I moan and look up, "Yes" I say obliviously.

"Where you sleeping again?" She questions, even though she already knew the answer. That's what I hate about teachers, even if they know what you've done they make you admit it. Or when they are lecturing you and then they end with Okay? and you nod, then they go, Pardon? then you have to say yes, like can't they just shut the hell up! God.
I nod.

"Pardon?!" She yelps as if I just gave her the finger or something.

I roll my eyes, see what I mean?! "YES!" I say a little to loudly.

deadly silence, "You'll be here at 3:30 for detention" She snapped.

Is that all you got, bitch! What's up with teachers an lame comebacks? All it ever is; "Detention, Office, Hall, Suspension, EXPELD!" God, bless these poor creatures with some god damned creativity
This detention business never bothered me, my parents never asked why I was home late, and if they did I would tell 'em I was smokin' weed with my friends. Like they would care.

"Pardon?!" She screeches again.

Man, that was it, "What? What do you want me to freakin' say?!" I yell.

"Make that tomorrow as well!" She added evilly.

"Can't come. I have a dance tournament tomorrow" I grumbled under my breath.

"What was that?!" She nosed.

"Nothing" I sighed, "Its just, some of us have lives here" I said quietly.

"Thats it Saskia, I have had it up to here!" She gestured to her forehead, "You'll be here with my for the next two weeks." She patted her hair, "and I will be calling your parents in to talk."

I glared at her. Who the hell does she think she is?! My blood boiled, I could just start screaming at her, diss her until she cried. Or I could do the responsible thing and -- screw it I snatch up my binder and slam my chair under my desk, dramatically kissing my teeth at her before giving her the finger and stalking out of the room.
I brake into a run once I was out of the door and tore across the cement hallways. My black combat boots slapping on the rubber tiles.

"Saskia! Get back HERE!" The teacher yells from behind me.

"Go to hell, you cock sucker!" I screech

Her reply is muffled, and I ignore it. I swing around the corner and fly down the stairs, taking them by threes. I rarely did this, only in desperate times. Desperate times... I slam into the steal doors and trip outside.

"Crap, I forgot my bag!" Bag = Cell phone, iPod, and important stuff I curs under my breath, no way I was going in there, not after what just happened. I slow to a lazy walk and pull my black hood over my long golden brown hair. Need my iPod, I need my music, its the only thing that can save me from my parents. Maybe I could spend the night on the street, like a bum. Right... I groan and turned the corner to the bus stop. The sky is a mass of grey clouds and sea gulls. Ah, the joys of the city. Pollution and loud garbage eating birds I enter the glass bus shelter and plop down on the bench. A few seconds later I turn my head to see who was sitting beside me. A hobo My head snaps back to stare out the class walls. My heart thumping franticly, Common Mr. Bus... Hurry up!

"Yer... fer te bus?" He said in a hoarse voice, "broke... down, there."he snorted without waiting for an answer.

I look down the road, guess what, he was right. The bus lay on its side, people stood around impatiently as the bus driver talked with the police.

Shit I nod to the man and plunge my free hand into the pocket of my black baggy pants before pulling it back out and tossing him a dollar, "Have a nice night mister" I sigh and begin my long trek home.

.........


<<MORE COMING SOON!>>

Eh, it was sketchy.
But I liked it.
(:


I am not feeling it yet though,
maybe a few more details here and there, know what I mean?

I liked it! Post the next chapters soon!

Ummm, were you typing really fast or something? Because you had a ton of grammar and punctuation mistakes in there. I don't have time to point them out, but I'm sure you catch some if you at least reread it. And instead of capitalizing words to express them more strongly, I think it would be better if you used Italics.

This felt way too rushed. And a rushed story is never all that fun to read.

I also felt like I was missing the point of this. Why is this girl so resentful of the world? That's what vibe I was getting.

I don't have anymore time, but I hope this helps. Good luck with editing.

I. NITPICKS

Gwenevire wrote:The sharp bell chimes loudly, my eyes fly open in shock. I blink a few times, smoothing out the fuzzy world before me. My jaw feels stiff and my teeth are clenched against each other. I lift my head from my doodle stained desk and stare out in a daze at the classroom before me. My class mates are busy clearing off their desks and stuffing papers pencils into binders before exiting through the wooden door at the right side of the room. I unclench my jaw and stand up, my legs snap up and fling my chair into a person crossing behind.

Okay, this is really choppy. It's just I did this, I did this, I did this, etc. It's annoying and stunts the flow! You need to add imagery somewhere and use less "I did" beginnings.

"Ow!" They groan, "What's your freakin' problem!?"

This is wrong use of dialog. I think it would be "Ow! What's your freakin' problem!?" they groan.

I turn around, "Sorry," I giggle, "I didn't see you." Without another word I turn back to my desk and stuff my work into my fat binder that sat on the floor under my desk.

That's it? You offered up some sort of conflict, but all your character does is giggle and go on? I think you should flesh it out some more or take it out. Also the description of her hitting him is weird. She "snaps her legs up" and her desk moves back or something. It didn't make too much sense...

I roll my eyes, see what I mean?! "YES!" I say a little to loudly.

I don't think you should indirectly address the reader...

Is that all you got, bitch! What's up with teachers an lame comebacks? All it ever is; "Detention, Office, Hall, Suspension, EXPELLED!" God, bless these poor creatures with some god damned creativity
This detention business never bothered me, my parents never asked why I was home late, and if they did I would tell 'em I was smokin' weed with my friends. Like they would care.

Smoking weed with her friends? I think most parents would care about that...though some don't, but it's hard to make a statement like that because it's hard for most people to understand. You should tell this some other way. It's too unbelievable here.

"Make that tomorrow as well!" She added evilly

I don't think you should use evilly....teachers really aren't all that "evil" we just portray them to be that way. The girl was being rude after all.

I glared at her. Who the hell does she think she is?! My blood boiled, I could just start screaming at her, diss her until she cried. Or I could do the responsible thing and -- screw it I snatch up my binder and slam my chair under my desk, dramatically kissing my teeth at her before giving her the finger and stalking out of the room.
I break into a run once I was out of the door and tore across the cement hallways. My black combat boots slapping on the rubber tiles.

Her reply is muffled, and I ignore it. I swing around the corner and fly down the stairs, taking them by threes. I rarely did this, only in desperate times. Desperate times... I slam into the steel doors and trip outside.

"Crap, I forgot my bag!" Bag = Cell phone, iPod, and important stuff I curse under my breath, no way I was going in there, not after what just happened.

II. CHARACTERS

You're MC is annoying. I'm sorry but she is...she's just so rude and woe-is-me. Then the teacher is completely unbelievable. It seems that the girl and the teacher just wanted to pick an argument with each other for no apparent reason really. Then the reactions...she just storms out? Real teachers wouldn't deal with students like that. They'd suspend them probably.

III. UNREALISTIC REACTIONS

I told you the first one in quotes. She bumps into a kid, giggles and says sorry, but when her teacher asks her a question she blows up. What's with that? It seems like you're using her like a puppet to get the reactions that you want to keep the plot going.

IV. TENSES

You change from present tense in the opening paragraph to the past in the rest of the piece completely I believe...you should fix that.

V. OVERALL IMPRESSION

All in all...this was okay...It's choppy and lacks description, but that can be easily fixed. I pointed out your other problems already...so that's it.

In all honesty, I really didn't like this. It was mainly because of the main character, who seemed to be an all out jerk. She blew up and was extremely rude to her teacher who, while annoying, certainly did nothing to deserve the treatment she got. Saskia seems to just hate the world in general and I really dislike that in a character, especially when there is no apparent reason for it. It is as if she is just being 'rebellious' or whatever for the sake of it on its own.

So yeah, aside from my issues with Saskia, the story moves kind of choppily and there isn't much by way of description. Slow down and take your time. The bus crash at the end is almost lost it goes by so quickly. Describe what is going on, maybe why she didn't notice it before, and tell us what this homeless guy looks like.

Good luck with your writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Ummm not very romantic but u said more was coming soon soo im hoping to see the romantic part.

there in some are spelling mistakes in some places but pritty good job.
-em

Hey Gwening!

I'm going to do a super-long review for this. Prepare yourself.

I. GRAMMAR
Very important, this.