Young Writers Society

"Josie, hon, we're about to leave for the city soon. Darling Claire will be here to take care of you so don't worry."

Those were the parting words of Josie Grey's mother and father before they took off for New York City. Not even an 'I love you' or a 'We'll see you soon' to comfort her. Josie watched as her mother shut the door, cutting off the only source of light in Josie's room. The sixteen year old rested her head down upon her feather pillow and sighed.

Josie's parents were never the type to stick around for too long. They were big time journalists in New York City, so they always were called in for work. Josie never minded before, but now it seemed to strike a cord in her. Not to mention, her 'darling' sister Claire was actually a menace.

Claire would make Josie do all the house chores and run errands for her. The latter never protested because she was just happy to be doing something in her meaningless life. Josie didn't have any friends. Everyone at her school thought she was a weird little mute girl. It seemed sometimes like she had a disease that was contagious.

It was strange not to talk, not to express yourself through speech. Josie always wondered and debated whether she should talk again. Would it make anyone happy if she said anything? Would it make her happy? The answer was always no for Josie was never truly happy. The happiness came and went as it pleased, but it never stayed.

~

"Josie, wake up!" Claire yelled into Josie's ear. "I have an errand for you to run!"

Josie opened her dark brown eyes and stared at her sister. Claire reached out and wiped away Josie's raven hair from her face.

"I said you have to run an errand for me," Claire repeated in a voice that was anything but soothing. "Get up, get dressed, and go you lazy thing."

Josie pushed herself off the bed and went to her closet. Claire smiled smugly at her younger sibling and left the room. As Claire demanded, Josie got dressed. She picked out a bright, yellow sundress and her favorite plain, white canvas bag. She then went downstairs and into the kitchen where Claire sat at the table eating eggs.

"You look... presentable." Claire looked up and winced at Josie's attire.

Josie nodded in reply. "I want you to go down to that music store on Orchard Ave and pick me up my flute. Remember when I dented it last winter? I sent it in to that store and they JUST finished it! Can you believe that? God, they have terrible service."

When Claire was finished rambling, Josie left the manor her family lived in. She stared at the concrete as she walked, mainly to avoid the jeers of her classmates. Most of the kids from her school lived in her neighborhood and she didn't want to run the risk of them laughing at her.

Once Josie thought she was safe, she lifted her head and saw that she was right on Orchard Ave. She looked around for the music store and when she finally found it, she was taken by surprise.

In the store window was a grand piano. It stood there on a platform regally, reflecting the sunlight off it's sleek, black surface. The ivory keys waited patiently for someone to touch them. Josie placed both of her hands on the glass and stared at the piano in awe.

After a few minutes of gawking, she eagerly hurried inside the music store. The clerk sat at the front counter, an old man in his 60s. He noticed Josie as she walked in and smiled warmly at her. She was a little taken aback at how gentle the old man seemed.

"Hello, dear," he said brightly. "How may I help you."

Josie pulled out a pad of paper out of her bag and a pen. The old man was intrigued by her actions. When she was finally done writing she slid the pad in front of the old man.

Can I play your piano the note read.

"Why of course!" he replied. "Anything for a nice looking girl like you."

She was nervous at first, touching something so beautiful. But when she sat down and slid her fingers up and down those keys, the anxiety slipped away. It was the first time the breath had ever been taken out of her like that. It was amazing how her fingers instinctively knew where to go. Josie closed her eyes and let the music take her away to a place where sadness could never engulf her.

When she was done the old man applauded her. "That was lovely! How long have you played?"

Josie shook her head, signifying that she had never once played in her life. The old man clapped even louder.

"Your a natural!" he said. "My name is Clint Davis by the way. What's yours?"

Josie hopped off the piano bench and retrieved her pad. She wrote JOSIE down on the yellow lined paper.

"That's a pretty name, Josie," Mr. Davis said. "Mind if I call you Joz?"

Josie shook her head. Mr. Davis smiled. "Will I see you tomarrow, Joz?"

Josie nodded. She felt a bubble of excitement expand inside of her that was so strong that she almost forgot to get Claire's flute back.

Hmmm...This was okay. I found the concept interesting, it just wasn't introduced too well.

Characters: Before anything else, I would like to bring up the one inconsistency that I found. You state at the beginning that Claire is 'beautiful and angelic' and then next you say she is cruel. If you are describing what she LOOKS like as angelic then specify it. For instance, say, 'She was angelically beautiful.' Or, 'She APPEARED to be angelic.' That way it won't seem like you simply forgot how you described her first. Anyway, on to Josie. To make the story truly intriguing you must show more and tell less. Instead of only telling how lonely she is, also put some action in that will demonstrate her state of depression. Her character needs to be developed more before the grandson comes to work at the store. If the reader doesn't know Josie well enough they won't care what happens next.

Story-line: My first criticism would be on the beginning. To start it out with the cliche line, "Josie Grey had a picture perfect life. Her parents worked as big wig journalists in NYC, her sister, Claire, was beautiful and angelic, and her house was located in the fancy part of Amberway. Things seemed wonderful from the outside. But on the inside, things weren't as wonderful.", does not draw the reader into the story. They will immediately think, 'Oh, I've heard this story before...' and they won't care to read anymore. Since the story is not completely cliche, it will greatly improve it to begin it differently. Try to start with action, and then slowly weave the story in, making the reader wonder what is going on and want read more to understand.

The idea was interesting and I liked the story. Try to incorporate more action and more character development and this will be very good.

I hope this helps and keep writing. ^_^

Thank you! I will rewrite as soon as possible.

SR perhaps you should write a prologue. It helps draw readers in better. ^_^

I've always had trouble transitioning things. And there's a reason why Joz can play piano really good without learning. It's part of the plot though so it's pretty much a secret!