Young Writers Society

Hi;D!! This is the first chapter of my new teen romance book. It's called "Nothing's Fair in Teenage Love and War" and it'll switch between Alicia's and Dylan's perspectives. So here it is:

Alicia cautiously stepped into her new 8th grade homeroom as quietly as one can muster in new tennis shoes. She glanced around the room, petrified. Kids were yelling, fighting over seats, and acting obnoxious. One group of boys were seeing who could spit the farthest out of the window. Others were greeting each other by slapping each other on the back so hard that the person could barely save their face from smacking the cold, linoleum floor. Alicia was horrified. She wanted nothing more than to turn around and run down the hall as fast as she could, screaming all the while. Her feet wouldn't move though, despite her will to run, so she put her long, dirty blonde ponytail over her shoulder and nervously played with it the whole time the her fellow students messed around.

Finally, to Alicia's delight, the teacher arrived and told them to take their seats. Alicia quietly stepped over to a window seat. A boy with floppy brown hair sat next to her and smiled at her, but she was so shy she kept her eyes on her desk as if it would suddenly get up and dance and sing for her.

The teacher wrote on the board, "My name is Mrs. Preppington" in neat cursive. Then she went on and on about how lovely her summer was and how much fun it was to go to the beach with her husband and 2 kids. While she wrote this, the boy next to Alicia tore off a piece of paper from a sheet in his note book and began scribbling on it. Alicia was curious and couldn't resist looking at what the note said. She leaned over to peek. The boy saw her peeking, gave her a cute, sly smile and covered his work. Then he folded it up and waited for Mrs. Preppington to turn around.

When she did, he quickly leaned over and dropped the paper on Alicia's desk. Alicia quickly took it, hid it under her desk and slowly opened it. She glanced down at it and in an untidy scrawl it read, "Hi. My name's Dylan Shaw. You're new here, aren't you? At least, I never saw you last year. What's your name, new girl?" Alicia took a quick look around the room, hesitated and wrote on the back in her tidiest hand writing, "My name's Alicia Corosy. I just moved here from Seattle, so no I wasn't here last year. My dad's in the army so I've moved alot."

She folded it up and gave it back to him. He read it and when she looked up he was smiling his cute smile of his back at her. She turned pink and smiled back. "Aaahhh, I see we have two really happy people today," Mrs. Preppington said, pointing at Dylan and Alicia with her ruler. Alicia turned from light pink to as red as the nailpolish on her fingernails. "Oh, and one of them is a new girl! Why don't you stand up front and tell the class about yourself. Come on now, don't be shy!"

Alicia quietly moved out of her seat and up to the front of the room. "I... uh.... my name's Alicia Corosy. M-my dad is in t-the army and w-w-we just moved here f-from Seattle 2 weeks ago." Mrs. Preppington stood up from her desk chair. "Don't go back to your seat yet Alicia! Does anyone have ques tions for Alicia?" Half the class's hands shot up. Alicia groaned. "Yes, Nick." A chubby boy with red hair in the last row asked, "Where did you go to school in Seattle?" "Umm, I w-was home schooled since first grade b-because we moved so m-m-much."

Mrs. Preppington called on a girl named Haley with waist length black hair that sat behind her. "Do you have any siblings?" "Y-yes I have a 22 year old b-brother named J-James, a 17 year o-old sister named B-Bri, a 12 y-year old brother named Trevor a-and a 9 year old s-s-sister n-named Kelly." This went on for most of the period. Mrs. Preppington typically assigned everyone an essay on their summer and why it was special as homework that was due on Wednesday.

Alicia tried to race out of homeroom before anyone else but Dylan caught up with her. "Hey, Alicia! We never got to talk much during homeroom so can I see your schedule?" "Why?", Alicia asked. "Because you need a friend here and I've been the new kid so I know what it's like." Without another word she fished around in her binder, pulled out her schedule, and handed it to him. He took out his and compared them, circling the classes they had together.

"Okay, we have lunch, Spanish, Gym and Homeroom together. So I'll see you,.... at lunch! Bye!" And with another cute smile he headed off to Algebra. Alicia smiled back and dug in her binder to find her locker com. She opened her locker, taped up the marked schedule and ran off to History.


I'll be writing the second chapter soon and it'll be following Dylan instead of Alicia. Comment this and tell me what you think!!

Cute! I think this flowed really well, I don't have much to complain about. I think you've really got the middle school atmosphere down. It reminded me of my 8th grade year. XD Good job. Nothing wrong grammatically that I caught. I hope you continue this!

~Yoyo

Hey,
this is cute I think I'll be following this. And yes, this is so 8th grade.

Her feet wouldn't move though, despite her will to run, so she put her long, dirty blonde ponytail over her shoulder and nervously played with it the whole time [s]the[/s] her fellow students messed around.

Does anyone have ques tions for Alicia?

Questions, I suppose Typo.

A boy with floppy brown hair sat next to her and smiled at her, but she was so shy she kept her eyes on her desk as if it would suddenly get up and dance and sing for her.

I think maybe you should change the underlined part. In my eyes the way it is now is an overkill. But maybe that's just me.

I suggest you put more of your characters thoughts in this piece. Instead of just saying, that she's too shy to answer and stares at her desk you should tell the reader what's going on in her head. We want to know How else should we relate to her?

Other than that I have nothing to complain about

Keep working on it!
~Kalliope

i liked it i can't wait to read more so keep writin please

I agree with everyone. This story is cute and good for light reading. The title is similar to another book that's already out its called: All's Fair in Love, War, and High School . Keep writing

i'm hooked keep writing!!

You told me to check it out so here I am.
I really like your stuff.
Keep writing.

One group of boys were seeing who could spit the farthest out of the window.

Should be 'was'. If you don't believe me, read it out loud and see which one sounds better to you.

Her feet wouldn't move [s]though,[/s] despite her will to run, so she put her long, dirty blonde ponytail over her shoulder and nervously played with it [s]the whole time the[/s] while her fellow students messed around.

Note: these are just my opinions. If you like it better the way you had it, just keep it that way. I'm just trying to help it flow a little better.

A boy with floppy brown hair sat next to her and smiled [s]at her[/s], but she was so shy she kept her eyes on her desk as if it would suddenly get up and dance and sing for her.

I agree with Kalliope, the underlined section does seem a bit like overkill.

The teacher wrote on the board, "My name is Mrs. Preppington" in neat cursive. Then she went on and on about how lovely her summer was and how much fun it was to go to the beach with her husband and 2 kids. While she wrote this, the boy next to Alicia tore off a piece of paper from a sheet in his note book and began scribbling on it. Alicia was curious and couldn't resist looking at what the note said. She leaned over to peek. The boy saw her peeking, gave her a cute, sly smile and covered his work. Then he folded it up and waited for Mrs. Preppington to turn around.

Keep track of what people are doing in this paragraph. You say that Mrs. Preppington goes on about her summer, is she talking? Well, no, apparently she's writing. Then again, I get confused because you give me the impression that she is facing the students as she writes, and that seems unlikely to me. You're the writer, and therefore you have the advantage of knowing exactly what every character is doing. We're just the readers, you've got to let us know what's going on, we don't have easy access to your thoughts.

My dad's in the army so I've moved alot."

OUCH! Classic mistake, don't worry everybody makes it. Especially me ;P A lot, is two words.

She folded it up and gave it back to him. He read it and when she looked up he was smiling his cute smile of his back at her.

Read this out loud to yourself, you'll find the mistake.

"Oh, and one of them is a new girl! Why don't you stand up front and tell the class about yourself. Come on now, don't be shy!"

The impression is that it's the first day of school for everybody, how would the teacher know that she was new? Isn't everybody technically new to her? Try to find a way to either explain this, or change it to make a little more sense, and seem a lot less scripted.

Yes, Nick." A chubby boy with red hair in the last row asked, "Where did you go to school in Seattle?" "Umm, I w-was home schooled since first grade b-because we moved so m-m-much."

Watch your dialogue structure here. When a new person speaks, a new line is created.

EXAMPLE
"I had a really awesome summer in London! How was your vacation?"

"It was okay, I mostly just hung around town," she replied.

"Next summer we should do something together," I suggested.

"Totally." We skipped of into the sunset, happy as well-fed bluebirds.

(By the way, that was just a random thing I did...I normally don't make references to well-fed animals. =D)

Mrs. Preppington called on a girl named Haley with waist length black hair that sat behind her. "Do you have any siblings?" "Y-yes I have a 22 year old b-brother named J-James, a 17 year o-old sister named B-Bri, a 12 y-year old brother named Trevor a-and a 9 year old s-s-sister n-named Kelly." This went on for most of the period. Mrs. Preppington typically assigned everyone an essay on their summer and why it was special as homework that was due on Wednesday.

Same thing as before.

As for the underlined section, watch what your saying because it doesn't make much sense as is. Try something like...
"Mrs. Preppington tritely assigned us an essay on how our summer was special, and made it due Wednesday." Or something like that. The way it is right now makes it hard to understand.

"Why?", Alicia asked

You don't need the comma there.

So I'll see you,.... at lunch! Bye!"

Again, you don't need the comma, two, only three dots please.

Okay, so overall, I don't have many complaints. Just general punctuation and suggestions and thing like that. It's a really good start, and I'm sure that as you continue to grow as a writer, and are able to catch these mistakes before you make them, you'll just keep getting better and better.

Keep up the good work!

-JC

Ooooh, I love it already. I liked the way that I could relate to all of Alicia's feelings. The ryhtem(sp?) was great two. Please don't make us wait long for the second chapter!!
( I like smileys!)

Alright, first off, I love this! It's very cute and flowed very well. You've got me hooked, you see. So I will be trying to read all the coming chapters.

Noticed some punctuation, errors, no biggie though.

Though I can pretty much guess what's going to happen, I still want to read this story.

Oh and you might want to tone down the stuttering. But that's just my opinion.

'The teacher wrote on the board, "My name is Mrs. Preppington" in neat cursive. Then she went on and on about how lovely her summer was and how much fun it was to go to the beach with her husband and 2 kids.'

HAAHAH..this made me laugh. That's exactly how it goes on the first day.

A pretty solid start. Interested to see where you're going with this... I guess I'll have to keep reading.