Young Writers Society

I wanted to scream, mainly because he was hurting me. All the lies I forced myself believe suddenly become so real. They pushed into my chest, I could feel my very own ribs collapsing. And he just smiled.

So I smiled back. It wasn’t forced, I was happy he had for once noticed the tears in my eyes.

And that’s how it always was.

Tears welling in my eyes until he smiled.

He smiled every time.

It was right now, with him sitting smugly on his bike leaning his freckled arms on the handlebars, that I wanted to know exactly what love was.

His hair was blonde, with copper streaks riddled through it. He flicked it over his forehead, exactly how I loved it.

Though I never told him.

His eyes were the most beautiful part of him. Sea foam green, always rushing like the waves, the sunlight made them sparkle.

His nose tipped with sunburn, peeling slightly.

He loved animals. His hands had held water pythons and turtles, ladybugs and dragonflies had crawled on his hands.

But the only thing that he need to hold was me.

And I pictured it in my head, his hand tight around mine.

He was whispering.

I don’t want to be alone.

And I smiled.

I’ll never let you go.

I shook my head. Snap out of it Shay. He smiled once again.

Bye.

Goodbye Darcy.

And there he went, the only thing I needed, all that I wanted, left me with the soft smell of chlorine floating in the air.

Okay, nit-picks first 'kay

He loved animals. His hands had held water pythons and turtles, ladybugs and dragonflies had crawled on his hands.

This should be put into two sentences like He loves animals. His hands had held pythons and turles. Ladybugs and drangonflies had crawled on his hands.

But the only thing that he need to hold was me.

This should read: But the only thing that he still needed to do was to hold me.

I shook my head. Snap out of it Shay. He smiled once again.

Snap out of it Shay should be in italics since this is a thought.

Other than those things (which are all minor), you have a good start here. I really do think you need to put more action into this though. It kind of sounds like a beginning but you have no continuation. It just kind of ends and you don't really understand what is happening. You definitely need to add some more description. You did a nice job describing the boy but add what the sky looked like or what kind of day it was. Simple things like that really pull a story together and draw the reader into it.

Hope this helps

Thank you