*Note: This might get really deep. There will most likely be a lot of mistakes because I'm writing it directly on here. This is really special for me though, because this is exactly what's going on with me. If it doesn't make sense, then most likely it's because what's going on with me isn't making sense. /:
I stare across the crowded blacktop of people. He hangs his head low,
listening to whoever is talking.
I feel crushed, I want to be there, my hand in his, leaning on his shoulder.
I see him flicker his eyes at me, back down, then back at me. He acts
like I don't see him staring.
He's always staring, every moment of the day. His brown eyes are amazing and seductive.
His hair frames his face, leveling at mid-neck. I want him. So bad.
My stomach turns and lurches, flipping and flopping. I feel something rising in my chest, and then sends shivers all the way down my arms and legs.
I feel my eyes swell up, like I could just start crying at any moment.
He has such an impact on me.
An impact on my heart.
I turn away and the feelings are gone. He's still staring at me though. I want to just walk up there and scream at him for hurting me. I want to hurt him just the way he did to me.
But when it all comes down to it, he didn't do anything really. He just... ignored. Even silence is as loud as words.
Maybe his silence and isolation is what's driving me into insanity. I just want to break down. Let all my emotions out.
But I've already done that, I'm past that.
Maybe it's my flaws, the reason he ignores me:
-I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny. My weight is ridiculous. 142 lbs.
-I am loud and obnoxious, he's quiet and shy. Great.
-He's gorgeous... I'm not.
I want to go up and hug him. I want to never let him go. He's caused so much damage. Seven months worth. I feel my eyes sting, the tears are coming.
All my friends don't like him.
"He's an ass."
"What a dick!"
"You don't deserve him."
"He's perfect for you, if he wasn't so damn stubborn!"
But I can't go to my friends anymore. No, I can't go to anyone anymore. It's just me and my heart, on a one man street.
I day dream of him and I write stories based off of him. I dream of him and I cry over him. There's no denying it... this is a love-hate relationship.
The one thing that probably hits me the most is that he most likely doesn't even care about or like me. And as pathetic as this sounds, that would crush me. I remember when he did like me, and I liked him. But he couldn't go out. There never was a reason.
"...is it me?"
"No."
"What is it, then?"
"Just... I don't know."
"You have to know."
"It's bad timing."
"But why?"
"I don't know."
"What about summer?"
"We'll see."
"Evan..."
"..."
"Please...you don't understand how hard it is to just blurt my feelings about you out-"
"-I know, I know. I respect that. I will still like you. I just- I can't with what's going on right now. I can't keep up with a relationship."
He was lying...
"...okay..."
...and I was crying.
"Olivia."
"..."
'Click'
The next day I asked him why he hung up, he said he thought I did.
That was most likely a lie too.
I wanted to cry just thinking about it.
He was the first boy I felt this strong for.
My one friend throws things at him. I want to beat him up. I want him to be hurt as much as I was; am. But when she's about to, I think:
"What if he does still like me, and I would just go and ruin everything?"
I start to think of all the songs that relate to us. They're all sad.
I almost feel like I'm at the point of depression.
That's ridiculous.
I'm not good enough for him, though.
I'm probably not even skinny enough. Humph.
You know, he use to be "the chubby kid on campus that no one talked to"
last year. And this school year, he lost all this weight. Now he's really skinny, and is fit. But I didn't fall for that.
No.
I fell for the best thing about him, the first day I witnessed it I was head over heals for him.
His smile.
He may hurt me, and he make me feel pathetic and ashamed. But I still like him. Maybe this is what love feels like. But no love in return. I mean, it's been seven months; it's obviously no crush anymore.
And he's most definitely not a guy who will come up to me. If he sees me crying, he wont come over.
If I give him a note (which was once) He wont read it. He leaves it. That hurts too. I want him to know without shoving it into his face.
My mom says "If you let something go and it returns, it's meant to be yours."
That's the thing, I can't let him go. I can't. I cried myself to sleep one time.
That's practically obsessive. But I can't help that. I can't help what my heart aches for.
I tell myself I hate him, but really my chest is there, pounding. As if it's punching me for lying to myself.
I stand on this blacktop, feeling alone. My friends are making me laugh,
but being within a 20 foot range of him makes me tense. I wonder about him a lot, what he's thinking, what he does for fun... I'll never know.
I close my eyes, gulping. A tear streams down my cheek.
"I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you..." I whisper into the air.
Then that whistle blows. And this ends.
Okay. Well, that's it. That's not even half my feelings for this boy. I hate this. My heart is aching now and one tear really did fall. Is it possible I really love this boy? No. But I could. It hurts too much to continue writing this, but I just needed to get it out... Okay, peace guys.
*beams*
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