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Warming my heart fixed up



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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:21 am
Eric511 says...



Warming my heart

My heart is a strange thing sometimes. One day I will see a friend and the next as someone so beautiful that I want to be with them.

It all started when I was going to school on cold winter day. Just a normal day. The sun was barely over the horizon, but not enough to melt the icy shell of the morning. My mom was getting mad at the traffic as we drove. My friend in the back silently giggled at my mom’s frustration. She always caught a ride with us since she lived just next door. Today of all days the heater decided to die on us leaving us to freeze on the cold
After a few more yells from my mom at crazy drivers, we made it to the safety of the school and out of the roller coaster of my mom’s car. Yeah she was kind of an aggressive driver. Me and my friend walked off into separate directions, into the merciless winter cold that sat in our school.
The morning was always so freezing. It didn’t help that hardly anyone was there and the dimness of the school just gave you that uneasy feeling. Oh and of course none of the building’s were open for us to escape the bitter chills from the wind.
Arms folded, I made it to my locker. Pulling off my backpack, I got on one knee to open my bottom locker. Man even my locker was like ice, cold and frozen. It was so cold, it made my hands numb as I was dialing the combination to my locker
As I was digging through my locker, I criticized why I was always here so early. I could be in my heated house all comfy, not having to wait out here freezing to death. There was absolutely no reason for my mom to drop me off this early. All it does is lead me to suffer out here.
As I was closing my locker, a voice called from behind me. I turned around to see Jada’s cheery face smiling at me. She was one of my friends from school who I met her last year in P.E. class.
“Hey Jada,” I greeted trying to hide my discomfort of the weather. “What are you doing here so early?”
“Oh I had morning practice today,” she said as she opened her locker which was across from mine.
“Man you guys must’ve been freezing in this weather,” I replied.
“Its so cold, I can’t feel my legs,” she said jokingly. My face managed to turn to a small smile despite the miserable day.
As she was finishing up at her locker, I looked back at the building I usually go to, the Spanish building. I go there in the morning to get away from coldness, but of course it was stilled locked. Watching my cool breath in front of me, I asked “Mind if I follow you? I got no where to go.”
“Sure why not,” she replied with a warm little laugh. We began our walk through the school. We just talked the whole time. I had never really talked to her this deep before. I had to admit, it was nice.
Our first stop on our journey was to her geometry teacher. She had to drop off her sports bag. We entered the math building which was always open, but unfortunately the teachers didn’t like kids hanging out there. As we entered, I could feel the warmth of the heaters bringing feeling back to my limbs, I waited outside the classroom as Jada went in to greet her teacher and drop off her stuff. Her teacher kept it in her classroom so Jada didn’t have to haul it around school all day. I almost melted as she walked out smiling at me.
We continued the walk to her leadership class which started before actual school. As we talked, I lost my feeling of coldness, and got a feeling of joy. Sadly I had to say goodbye as she entered her leadership class.
As I was heading back to see if the Spanish building was unlocked, I felt strange. I no longer felt cold, no I felt a warmth in me. A joy. A love. That the walk I had with Jada, it was really nice. I don’t know. All we did was talk yet it was so heart warming. My cold feeling of resentment had turned into a warm happiness. The ice around me had melted and warmed me. I now had a reason to get to school early.


i was trying to go for a cold to warm mood throughout the story so pls let me know how that went for you guys
  





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Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:38 am
ashleylee says...



Okay, I found this WAY more descriptive, which is great! Also, I noticed that you went from dreary to a cherry feeling with the main character, which was what you were aiming at. And I think you succeeded with that.

There is one thing I noticed though upon reading it the second time.

What happens to the other friend in the car? She kind of disappears in there and I think you should give her name. Not just "my friend"

Other than that, I thought this was an improvement from your other one and I still think you should post the whole of your story so you can get an overall judgment of what others think!

Great Job! :)
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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47 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3597
Reviews: 47
Sun Mar 30, 2008 2:28 am
tRiCk says...



For the part with the friend in the car, I have to agree with ashleylee. We need more information on her.

There were a couple of mistakes:
"... us to freeze on the cold" (On the cold what?)

"Me and my friend..." (My friend and I...")

You tended to use the word cold a lot. Try using some other word: freezing, chilly, not warm (ha ha ha, just joking)

"Its so cold, I can’t feel my legs...” (It's so cold...)

Other than those things it was a truly sweet story. I hope you write more,and when you do you should let me know. :D

Keep up the great work!!!!


Trick-----> :smt110
  





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62 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 62
Sun Mar 30, 2008 8:45 pm
Izzyeyore says...



I really liked this; it was cute, short, sweet, and got to the point fairly quickly.

A few comments:
-You go from really poetic and eloquent descriptions to using colloquial phrases, which is a bit jarring. One example of this that stood out to me was when you said:

"Yeah she was kind of an aggressive driver. Me and my friend walked off into separate directions, into the merciless winter cold that sat in our school."

Maybe

"Yes, I realized that my mom was a rather aggressive driver. After we had gotten out of the car, my friend and I split apart and walked in two separate directions into our bitterly cold school complex."

or something? I'm not sure what your style is exactly, so that's just something that I might write.

-you kept to the same tense throughout the story which was really nice

-your grammar is usually really good with just a few "me"s instead of "I"s and an apostrophe-s that shouldn't be there somewhere in your story. a quick read-though will fix all that

-I like your character development for Jada, although you don't really give anyone else names, and the "friend seems to be just sitting there, doing nothing...

basically, good story! :D keep up the good work, and PM me for any questions or other work that you might want me to critique, if i didn't crush all your hopes and dreams with this one..
My policy on life: you're wasting it by being sad and making others sad, so hug someone today! :D
  








We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies