"What the hell?" he asked, hearing me grunt as they dropped me roughly on what I could only assume was a [s]piled[/s] pile of things they’d just stolen from our house.
Distantly, I heard the shrill scream of a fire detector going off.
Unfortunately, the driver seemed to have noticed the same thing I had. [You tell too much. Just mention the screech of tires and maybe the driver swears or something. That shows he's heard it. Of course he's heard it so why tell your reader? You do that quite a bit.]
The car squealed as it tore away, sending me rolling [s]unto[/s] nto what felt like the TV. [What does a TV feel like? Think about it. Describe what it feels like. And it will be in a bag at the very least and usually they'd put it towards the front of the van, pressed right against the seats and packed in tight so as to prevent any possible damage. The girl's been put in last. How realistic is it that she's next to the TV or that she can hear all the voices and already separate all of them. Many people sound similar and these are all men or boys. Just take a moment to consider the realism of this piece.]
“What’s in the sheets?’ the driver asked—at least I assumed it was the driver, which, counting the four that had broke into my house, brought the count [s]up[/s] of criminals up to five. [Telling again. When there are four people breaking into your house, you're going to be thinking of more than counting them. She might recall that there were three or four but how does she know the driver wasn't in the house?]
1) What do you think of the MC? Is she (could you tell it was a she??) realistic? Consistant? Suggestions? She's very clearly a female, if only because you keep referring to her as such. I think her dear is portrayed well and she's realistic but I'd like to see her decide on a priority. Is it to listen to her captors, to strain to hear their voices so she can use that and the information to her advantage later. Or is it to find something she might be able to use as a weapon, to try and get free. She hasn't even checked any bonds she may have beneath the sheet and if it's only the sheet that's tied, that should be easy enough to get out of. And think about what it will be tied with. They had no intention of kidnap so not rope. Probably something much easier to untie.
2) Due to Keek skipping a part, there's some general information missing that might make this scene confusing. If you were confused by missing details/explanations, please point out where/what. It's generally clear. Too clear in places where your persona should be dazed, confused. Should find it hard to hear them. And I think it would be better if you started at her capture then there'd be less need for 'telling' later on.
3) Would you want to see more of this story? If not, why? Yes, it's good. It's not great, not as good as your others but I think it has potential. There again, I'm not a huge fan of romance.
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“G-give him the money,” said the timid one. “He’s taking the girl, right? He’s doing us a b-big favor,” he reminded everyone. [Stop referring to him as the timid one. If you want to give him some sort of identity, have your character introduce that in the first part. Often we think of people by their characteristics so maybe she thinks to herself 'This guys a mouse' or something and after that calls him 'mouse guy' or 'mouse boy' but is she like that? Does she have that touch of humour/sarcasm?]
But no, the trunk door opened. [Be consistent. It's a van! It has no trunk.]
For a second, I thought that I’d been forgotten, and my heart almost lifted in some kind of inexplicable sense of hope.
A ripping sound [s]make[/s] made me freeze.
To me, seeing that sky and knowing I was alive, was like watching [s]halleluiah[/s] hallelujah being sung by the stars.
To my surprise, he wasn’t dressed all in black, something that hadn’t registered back at my house.
As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I beheld him, curious to know what a [s]kidnapped[/s] kidnapper looked like.
His hair was short and black, mussed by the night’s activities. Looking over that face, which seemed [s]ot[/s] to be a stone depiction of some warrior prince, I was forced to admit he was attractive, despite his [s]sort of[/s] long nose and thick eyebrows.
With a yelp, I scrambled to my feet and out of the street [Don't you mean sheet? The street isn't going to set on fire, there's only the sheet that could catch fire.], stumbling past him in my hurry to avoid being cooked.
Forgetting my situation for a second, and spurred by the rush of adrenaline that had come with the fear, I turned to tell him off for nearly setting me on fire, but my words died under his gaze. His expression was sort of blank, but his eyes drilled a hole right through me.
Somehow this hadn’t registered before, but [s]not[/s] now that I’d noticed I felt the sting of little rocks under my feet.
I darted a glance at his face, and found his attention had turned to watching the street [The street would not burn. Sheet.] burn.
I searched my surroundings and felt disappointment and despair sink in. We were in an empty parking lot, which was bordered by [s]c[/s] chain fence on two sides. The third side [s]lead[/s] led to what looked like a gym, and the fourth led to the street.
His dark green eyes were watching me intently, like a predator watching [s]it’s[/s] its prey.
I hurried to follow him, but found myself slowing down to a near crawl.
1) How's the MC doing? =P Poorly. Does she have no strength? Has she not at least considered how she would run when set free, how she might escape? She fears punishment, yes, but she needs to try. Just once at least. Not follow him like a little sheep.
2) Your opinion of her captor? He's good. I'm glad you didn't make him completely perfect. He's described well, his personality is developing well. All good so far.
3) Your opinion of the plot/writing style thus far? Please, please spell check and proof-read before posting. It's highly irritating to try to read a piece that has so many typos. Your writing style is good, it's effective but you'd get better responses if you clicked the spell check button.
Anyway, good first start, and I do really like the idea. 
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