Young Writers Society

Chapter 1...

Morning
"So, Chloe who was the first guy you went out with?" Mollie asked, giggling. They knew well Chloe had never been out with a guy, but she wanted to keep it that way.
"Nobody, and I don't want to either!" Chloe said in an annoyed tone. Mollie and her friends whispered as Chloe walked away, Chloe had no friends at this school. She was always alone.

Miss Hutchins, her teacher took the register.
"Abigail"
"Here!"
"Ben"
"Here."
"Chloe"

"Where is Chloe?" asked Miss Hutchins.
"She is with her boyfriend, oh wait she can't be. She doesn't have one!" said Mollie cleverly.
"So, you think your big do you Mollie!?" Joe called out. Mollie blushed and hid her face. The door opened, "ah, Chloe!" Miss Hutchins said smiling warmly. Chloe stormed past her and took her seat.
"um..Chloe what's wrong?" Joe asked, he never spoke to her before.
Chloe blushed, "N-nothing" she said looking down.
"Oh, well if you need help. I will help you" said Joe smiling.
Wow..Joe spoke to me!! Chloe thought as she left the lesson.
"um.. Joe..?" Chloe started. Joe turned around. Wow he is so tall.. Chloe thought.
"Yes?" Joe answered.
"w-what lesson do we have now" Chloe stuttered looking to her feet, she could feel her face bright red.
"we have got maths, want me to walk you there?" he asked.
and he is so friendly Chloe thought dreamily.
"T-thats okay" Chloe said, and hurried off.
Chloe wasn't sat next to Joe in maths, Joe was sat next to Mollie.

Afternoon
Joe came over to see Chloe. She pretended she hadn't noticed him.
"Chloe?" Joe said. Chloe turned around, her fringe covered her eyes.
"Come on Joe" said Mollie, she giggled nervously as she pushed him into his seat. Chloe snorted. Ugh.. I hate Mollie, see the way she treats people? Chloe thought while pretending to read the questions on the board. Joe smiled at Chloe, But before she could smile back Mollie started talking to him.

Joe hung about after lesson. Maybe he likes me Chloe thought hopefully. "That'd show Mollie" she whispered as she packed away her books. Chloe walked past him, waiting for him to say something. He didn't, he just stood there, as if he was waiting.
Mollie came out of the classroom. Chloe watched from around the corner.
"Mollie is his... Girlfriend?" Chloe asked herself looking down.




Chapter 2...

Walking Home
Chloe ran out of the corridor and into a science classroom. She sat out of breath on a table and sighed. "Why.. I thought maybe, just maybe he liked me.." she said to herself. She shook her head. "Man..I am an idiot"

"I guess I will just go home and forget about it" Chloe whispered as she grabbed her bag and left the classroom. She walked down the corridor, she couldn't get his sweet face off her mind. "Maybe I do like him." Chloe decided, she also decided to think about homework instead, but it didn't work. "Why did he have to be so nice?" she said, she stopped as she saw Mollie, with another guy. "But I thought she was seeing Joe?" Chloe said looking at her hands. "Maybe she broke up with him? or is she cheating on him?" Chloe asked herself and kept walking. She thought about how Joe would feel if she broke up with him.

Afterschool
Chloe closed the door and wiped her feet. Chloe lives on her own, Her parents died in a plane crash. She can deal with it though.
Chloe ran up to her room. "Oh my gosh, today was flippin' amazing!!" Chloe said squealing. "Hm.. Anime time, Its the last episode!" she said turning on the TV.
"Wow.. She likes him, he likes her, but he is going out with the wrong girl"
Chloe stopped. "I like Joe, Joe likes me, maybe, Joe is going out with Mollie and Mollie is going out with that other guy" Chloe walked into the kitchen reciting her little love pattern. "This is confusing, no wonder I have no interest in guys" she said smiling.


Chapter 3..

Morning
"I have to tell him!" said Chloe confidently, Chloe saw Joe, with Mollie.
"Damn!!" she said turning around. "Hey Chloe, come over here!" Mollie said as if she was her friend. But Chloe was soon snapped out of her confusion.
"How dare you try and steal my boyfriend!" Mollie said slapping Chloe.
"what?" Chloe said rubbing her cheek.
"Joe told me all about you hitting on him, Just because nobody likes you"
Mollie shouted swinging for Chloe, She stepped back and looked at Joe, Chloe was going to cry, she could feel her tears filling up her eyes, she could make out Mollie's evil face and Joe's sorry eyes staring down at Chloe, she wasn't having any of this. She turned and ran.

Truth Lesson 1
Chloe sat on the wall, wiping away her tears. "ugh" she said wiping her face violently. A Teacher walked past. "is something the matter sweetie?" the teacher asked.
"Don't call me sweetie and leave me alone!" Chloe snapped and turned away. The teacher left and Joe ran up. Chloe stood up and started walking away. "Wait!" Joe said catching up with Chloe.
"I-I did not tell Mollie anything like that Clo.. I want to be your friend" Joe said holding my shoulder, he pulled me around, he is tall and he bent down.
He kissed her straight on the lips. Chloe smiled as she let go, he smiled back. "Chloe, it was never official, me and Mollie. she just decided" Joe said smiling oddly.
"Wow.." whispered Chloe looking up at him.

"A guy likes me.." said Chloe.




--I Will be posting the next chapter seperately,, because it is getting late.
Thanks for reading, criticism appreciating no flaming though.

Dont be too harsh xxx

I will try not to.

I will leave grammar to someone else, and instead comment on the style and characters.

1) What are these people like? We can tell Mollie is mean and Joe is nice and Chloe has no friend. But I don't feel like I know them. I don't feel happy for Chloe that she gets the guy, or like Joe was really worth it. Try describing them more. Add personality, behavior, habits. Feelings, especially. Describe how your MC reacts to the things around her and the people who talk to her.

2) Flesh it out. Since this is a romance, I'm not sure what the rules are... but I think the story could benefit from being fleshed out a bit. Basically; more show, less tell. Make us live and breath Chloe's life. Don't tell us she has no friends, show us how she watches other people chatting with pals and feels lonely. Don't tell us Mollie doesn't want Chloe to have a boyfriend, show how she is constantly teasing her (which you do =P).

Hope that helps. PM me with questions!

Keek!

Oh. And the 'Luv'? Bad plan. I'd suggest you change that to 'Love'.

Yes, hello. Since Keek didn't exactly chew you out (not that I mean to) but please change the title the way it was meant to be written. "I luv him" Sure we say it now but please change to "I love you"

This piece is too dialogue dependant! You don't bother describing the surroundings, emotions, anything, except for what everyone is saying. This leads to a very messy story and what appears to be either a slack or an inexperienced writer.

May I suggest trying to fatten up what is really important, setting, feelings, senses, and just keep dialogue as the sprinkles on top of the birthday cake.

And PS, change the title as well. It is repulsive!

Aye, I agree with those who have responded before me. This story is far too much dialogue and not enough narration. Where's the setting? Where's the sensory description? Come to think of it, where's the description to start with?

What you need to do is let us see all the elements of a story. Sure, dialogue, yay. But have you ever looked in a book to find nothing but dialogue?

I thought not.

So! What do we do to correct this? Why, we add some narration! Start by asking yourself the following:

-Where are they?
---What do their surroundings look like? Is it cold, hot, lukewarm? What smells are there?
-Why are they there?
---Do they want to be there?
-What do the characters look like?
---What are their personalities like? How do their mannerisms represent this?

These are just a few questions to get your mind going. And while you're asking yourself this, ask this of other authors! Pick up your favourite book and flick through it, asking these questions along the way. When you read, don't just read; analyze! The best way to learn is by example, and what better example than published authors?

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM! I'm here to help.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I also agree with what was said before. Not only do you have a lot of grammar errors and the story is far too dependent of dialogue, but the story is far too cliche. We've heard this story millions of times. The thing is to make it different and to make it your own. Your characters right now are very underdeveloped and with that the story is going way too fast. I felt like a teen was coming to me and crying out a ten minute story about what happened at school. It's all about your characters. You can't develop them by just letting them talk. You know what I mean? Maybe give some background story on why Chloe is so shy? I say you start over from scractch and work it up from there with less dialogue. Perhaps even right background stories about each of your characters first so that you better understand them when you actually write the story. I had to do that with a lot of my stories...actually probably all of them. Your characters come out better to the readers when you know them like the back of your hand and slowly give the story to them. Hope this helped!

PM me if you have any questions of need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

yeah grammer is a huge problem
but other than that I loved it

Well, there are a few typos, that some say are grammar errors, but I usually call them typos. Those are easy to see after looking it over once so I don't think it is completely necessary to look for every last one. I'm lazy.
But, I like this story, I like where it is going. And ditto narration. But I really do like this story though. I will look forward to see the rest. (Ahhhh short chapters. ) hehe. Goodjob.

I don't know if somebody already said this up above; i don't pay attention too well..but it seems to me that detail is missing. I'm speaking mainly about imagery. There was hardly a single description in any of the scenes. That can easily be fixed of course; I'm just throwing my two cents in there...

^ Thanks, I think the main problem is me not describing it enough so I am currently typing out chapter 4 and 5.

Before you do more with other chapters. I would go over and rewrite wat you have now. Like they have said above me. More setting more discription. I am horriable at grammer so I will leave that to someone else to do. But this is a very basic story outline. Give it your own twist so it will stand out.

Happy Writing!