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Sun Jul 15, 2007 4:21 pm
omgsh mikey says...



I haven't posted much on here, so I thought I'd do some catching up. This is a story that I just started a few days ago, but the characters were developed and I wrote about them a long time ago. I had found pictures for visual aids on other sites, so I thought I'd share them with you, just to help you see them.
Adam
Lacey
I hope those help. I sorta formed a crush on Adam... :D
OOH! I made this banner too. I do that sometimes... out of boredom... when I should be writing... Shotgun banner

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I sighed heavily, blowing my bangs out of my face. “Great.”

“Oh, come on, Lace. It wasn’t that bad.”

I turned to face my best friend, Adam Smith. He had been my best friend for quite a while, and I truly couldn’t think of anything that I did to deserve him. He had that slacker reputation going for him, and even though he could be such a butt-hole, I still loved him. “Adam, have you ever been humiliated like that? In front of the whole school?”

He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. “No,” he mumbled.

“Exactly. So I suggest you shut up.”

He scowled, and we continued to walk down the sidewalk. My bag was hitting the side of my leg, and I was ready to throw the thing into the dumpster. During our lunch period, being the huge klutz that I am, I tripped on a chord that was taped to the floor. My food went flying. Not out in front of me, but straight up, and guess what happened? Yeah, it was all dumped on me.

I had to spend all of fifth and sixth hour washing all of corn and pudding out of my dark red hair. I would've preferred to have washed it in a shower, instead of shoving my head underneath the faucet in the bathroom, but that's all I was able to get my hands on.

We had only been released five minutes ago, so things were still being shot at me. “Hey Lacey! Did you have a nice trip?”

I scowled at the jerk that yelled it, and gave him the finger. He rolled his eyes and continued whatever he was doing before. “Lacey,” Adam said, “everyone’s gonna forget about it by next week. I promise.”

I stared at him as we walked towards his car. “Thanks,” I mumbled. “That helps a lot.”

He looked at me, and suddenly realized that it was Monday, which meant five more days of torture. “Oh, sorry. But come on, Lacey, you’re better than that. You seriously won’t let it bother you, will you?”

I sighed, and angrily, I pounded my fist against the windshield of Adam’s car. He rolled his eyes, and got inside with two swift movements. I tried to be as smooth as him, but that didn’t end up as well as I hoped it would. “Arg! Adam, my seat belt’s stuck in the door.” He continued to pull out of the parking lot, and I groaned. “Adam! Stop the car!”

He chuckled, and the car stopped moving. I opened my door and quickly pulled the belt back. I shut the door, and placed the belt into the lock. “You ok now?” He asked. I nodded, my hair falling into my face.

“Yeah. Let’s just go home.”

He smiled, and pulled out of the parking lot. A comfortable silence fell between us, and the only noise in the background was the radio and passing cars. “Hey, Lacey?” Adam asked.

“Hmm?”

“I was planning on goin’ to senior prom, and my date canceled on me. Do you wanna go? I mean, just as friends…”

I laughed. “Yeah, sure.” I felt my heart flutter and I blushed. What was wrong with me? I saw Adam smile to himself out of the corner of my eye, and I looked at him. “Why’d your date cancel?” I asked. We stopped at a red light, and he sighed.

“She suddenly remembered she’d promised some other guy to go with him.” Adam had never been a good liar. He had this habit of fidgeting when he was lying, and that was exactly what he was doing.

“Oh,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell him, of course. He pulled up my driveway and I sighed. “Ok,” I said, opening the door, “I’ll call you later, loser.”

He smiled, and rolled his eyes. “Ok, weirdo.”

I got out of his car and shut the door. Something in my bag was poking my leg and I winced as I walked up to the door. I could hear my parents fighting, and when I opened the door, I tried to sneak by them as quietly as possible. They stopped talking, and I grabbed a soda from the refrigerator on my way up. “Lacey,” I heard. I turned around and sighed quietly.

“Yeah?”

See, when I said I heard them fighting, I didn’t mean that they were yelling fighting. They were just kind of arguing about something, and I was nervous. Were they gonna get a divorce? That’d be bad.

“We didn’t expect this to happen,” mom said, “but, honey, it did. And we were going to tell you earlier, but we weren’t sure how you were going to react to this.” She paused, looking at my dad. She nodded, and he sighed.

“Your mom’s pregnant,” he said. What?! No, that’s not fair. She couldn’t be…

“And I have been for almost four months.”

Now I wanted to punch something. “Four months? FOUR MONTHS?!” I yelled. “Mom! It’s my life too! Why didn’t you tell me!”

“I wasn’t sure of how you were going to react to it, honey. I was trying to think of the best way to tell you.”

“And it took you four months?!” I wanted to punch something, preferably her… or dad. It didn’t matter to me. They were both to blame.

“Sweetie, this was hard for us too,” mom said, trying to calm me down. It wasn’t working. I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

“Whatever,” I said. “Whatever, I don’t care. I’ll be out of here before the brat is born, so I don’t care.” I turned to go upstairs. I had major urge to annoy them with my really bad guitar playing.

“Lacey Michelle!” Mom exclaimed. I ignored her and continued to go upstairs. A million things were running through my head, like, I’ve been an only child for eighteen years. I thought it was gross my parents were still ‘active,’ and I couldn’t believe they didn’t tell me about the baby. I pulled out my cell phone and pressed speed dial #3.

“Operator,” came the voice I wanted to hear as soon as I heard the news.

“Adam… I hate my parents.”

“So do I. Why?”

“My mom is freaking four months pregnant. And I just now found out about it.” I closed my bedroom door and slid the bolt across. I didn’t want them to bother me.

“Oh, wow. That’s… wow.”

“I want to punch something,” I mumbled, opening my wild cherry Pepsi and taking a large gulp.

“I know what you mean. When I found out that mom was gonna have Anne, I wanted to strangle her.”

Anne was Adam’s four-year-old sister. She’s the cutest thing ever.

“But Adam, you’ve got an older sister too. I’ve been an only child for all my life,” I said. “Hey, I’m gonna go now, and possibly annoy the ears off of my parents with my suckiness at guitar.”

Adam laughed, and said, “ok. I’ll see ya later.”

I hung up the phone and picked up my electric guitar. It was black with pink splatters all over it. I absolutely loved it. I had received it for my sixteenth birthday, after I had already learned how to play. Now, I guess I was an ok guitarist, but I only knew a few songs. My fingers found the third and fifth fret and I started to strum on the strings. I started to play random songs that I made up out of boredom and I started to really play.

“Lacey! Turn that down!” Dad yelled from behind my door, pounding. I ignored him and continued to play.




I tugged on the hem of my tee shirt as I walked down the sidewalk. It was almost seven o’clock, and Adam was supposed to have met me at the park, but he was a no show. “So much for that,” I mumbled. I kicked a rock as I walked, and finally it went into the grass.

“Lacey!”

I turned around and saw Adam. I sighed, slightly annoyed. “What?”

“I’m so sorry. I forgot.”

I looked at him. He wasn’t lying, so I cooled off a bit. “You’re the one who suggested it,” I said softly.

“You’re right. And I’m sorry, ok? I got wrapped up in the show I was watching.” I took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Adam held his arms out, and I let out an airy laugh. I hugged him, and when I let go, I looked up at him contently.

“Dude, you need to get a watch,” I said. He laughed.
Last edited by omgsh mikey on Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:59 pm, edited 7 times in total.
"This band is metal in that we have a lot of metal in our instruments, and there's quite a lot of metal on my belt buckle as well." - Mikey Way
  





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Sun Jul 15, 2007 8:34 pm
sokool15 says...



I liked this! Tell me again why it's rated 'R'? I don't get it.

Um...it looked pretty good as far as grammar and punctuation...a thing I found:

Adam held his arms out, and I let out an airy laugh. I hugged him, and when I let go of him, I looked at him.


Him is a word you can use a lot, but not that much so close together. Also, what is an airy laugh? What kind of emotion is portrayed by an airy laugh? And one more thing..."I looked at him"...how did she look at him? Happily? Forgivingly? Lovingly? Embarassed? Looking doesn't tell us anything, it's how she looks.

Anyway, I really liked this story! So far...although when it gets to the 'R' part later in the story I might skip some of it! :P
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Sun Jul 15, 2007 8:46 pm
omgsh mikey says...



I didn't really know how to describe how she laughed. It was one of those "hmmph" kind of laughs, but I don't like to use that in stories. Does that make sense?

It's rated R because further on in the story, something happens that's violent. Poor Adam. :( ;) EDIT: I changed the rating to PG13. I guess what's gonna happen isn't that bad.

And I'll fix that error. I hadn't noticed that.
Last edited by omgsh mikey on Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
"This band is metal in that we have a lot of metal in our instruments, and there's quite a lot of metal on my belt buckle as well." - Mikey Way
  





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Sun Jul 15, 2007 9:43 pm
Sam says...



Hey, Mikey!

Cool story- your style was really easy-to-read, and the whole thing flowed through all of the drama. I can see it's going to be one of my guilty pleasure favorites on YWS. :wink:

One thing that I noticed, though, that I thought was pretty major:

Lacey's life sucks.

Honestly, everything that goes on in her day-to-day life makes her sad and seems to be horrendous.

If you've got a relatively light and humorous style, you can get away with this for awhile. After some time, though, it sort of grates on you- this poor girl!

My advice: simply have her smile a little. Laugh. Have something unexpectedly good happen, in between angsting about her parents.

So, that's my quick-and-not-so-simple challenge to you. ^_~

Anyway, thanks for the good read! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else. It'd be my pleasure.
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Mon Jul 16, 2007 10:14 pm
Black Ghost says...



I turned to face my best friend, Adam Smith. He had been my best friend for quite a while, and I truly couldn’t think of anything that I did to deserve him. He had that slacker reputation going for him, and even though he could be such a butt-hole, I still loved him.


Quite an infodum you've got there, and not a good one, either. If your characters are really developed, then what they do and say should say more about them than just simply explaining their relationship. I would suggest just keeping this scene in real time, without taking time to explain to us the history of their relationship. Instead, allow their interactions to give us insight on their relationship. Show, don't tell.

I had just gone through the most embarrassing thing I’d ever been through.


Another bit of infodumping. If you take this sentence out, it still gets across that she'd been embarassed. It's unneeded.

And of course, people kept making fun of me when I got back to class.


I'm pretty sure that goes without saying.

He looked at me, and suddenly realized that it was Monday, which meant more torture for five more days.


Very awkward wording. Clean this up, because it breaks the flow of your story. Here's how to fix it:

"He looked at me, and suddenly realized that it was monday, which meant five more days of torture."

I sighed, and angrily, but carefully, I pounded my fist against the windshield of Adam’s car. He rolled his eyes, and got inside with two swift movements.


Angrily but carefully? I'm not sure that makes much sense. Being angry would cause you to be reckless and essentially not careful. You should consider changing this.

, and as soon as he finished saying that, I knew he was lying.


Again, some more unneeded words. Why else would you bother mentioning he was a bad liar unless he was lying at that very moment? You don't this part to explain to us what you've already implied.

“You’re the one who suggested it,” I implied.


Not the best dialogue tag. Replace it with a simple "said".


Okay, enough with the technical stuff. On to plot:

What I didn't get was why she was so mad about her mother being pregnant. I can understand that she's angry that they didn't tell her earlier, but I don't get why her parents were hesitant to tell her. Not to be rude, but just how heartless is she? Calling her sibling a brat before he's even born? Usually the birth of a baby is a joyous occasion. Just a thought.


MM
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:06 pm
omgsh mikey says...



magicman wrote:
, and as soon as he finished saying that, I knew he was lying.


Again, some more unneeded words. Why else would you bother mentioning he was a bad liar unless he was lying at that very moment? You don't this part to explain to us what you've already implied.



I don't completely understand what you mean by that.
I need to spoon fed. Heh.

Okay, well I'll get to fixing it. Thanks for that critique!
"This band is metal in that we have a lot of metal in our instruments, and there's quite a lot of metal on my belt buckle as well." - Mikey Way
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:33 pm
Black Ghost says...



Sorry, sometimes I'm not too clear.

Adam had never been a good liar,


All I meant is that this bit is enough to tell us that he's lying. You don't need the rest of the sentence.

Hopefully that's clearer? :D


MM
  





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Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:38 pm
omgsh mikey says...



Ooh. Yes, that helps.
Thanks.
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Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:05 pm
Rydia says...



The visual aids are nice but shouldn't be necessary with a piece of writing. You need to take a chance to describe your characters. Not all at once of course because that's boring but every now and then drop something in. I shall start with a few specific suggestions -

I had to spend all of fifth and sixth hour washing all of corn and pudding out of my hair. [This is phrased a little awkwardly and gives you a perfect chance to describe Lacey a little. I'd change it to something like 'I had to spend fifth and sixth period washing all of the corn and pudding out of my crimson hair. Do you know how long it takes to wash hair as long as mine? And that's when I'm at home, with the propper facilities instead of hiding out in the school toilets.']

I tried to be as smooth as him, but that didn’t end up as well as I thought it would. [Perhaps hoped would work better than thought?]

Something in my bag was poking into my leg and I winced as I walked up to the [s]door.[/s] You mentioned door a few times in the previous sentences when referring to the car door. Maybe change it to 'walked up to the house.']

It was both of their faults. [I don't know why but I don't like 'faults.' It's not wrong, just not the best of words. Maybe 'They were both to blame' would sound better?]

I had a major urge to annoy them with my really bad guitar playing.

I thought it was gross that my parents were still ‘active,’ and I couldn’t believe they didn’t tell me about the baby. [I'd add that last bit in because it almost sounds like she wanted to hear about them being 'active' hehe.]

I closed my bedroom door and locked the door. [Don't use a word twice in the same sentence if you can help it. Perhaps 'I closed my bedrrom door and turned the key in the lock' or 'I closed my bedroom door and pushed the bolt across']

_______________________

In general, I think this needs more description of the characters and their surroundings but it's well written and interesting. You've defined your character's personalities well and and there's a good amount of conflict. You need some way to indicate a change of scene though. Most do it with a line between the two paragraphs.

Hope some of my suggestions are helpful,

Heather xx

P.S. I'll go look at chapter two now =)
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Thu Jul 19, 2007 6:10 pm
DragonWriter says...



I absolutly, positivly love it. This is excellnt. I do not see anything wrong with the idea, the story, or grametical errors. Please Keep writing and working on this one story. If you stop, I will virtually slap you!
Twilight rocks!
New Moon rules!
Eclispe kicks butt!
In coclusion, Steaphine Meyer is a rocking, ruling, and kick butt authour!
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Thu Jul 19, 2007 11:19 pm
omgsh mikey says...



DragonWriter wrote:I absolutly, positivly love it. This is excellnt. I do not see anything wrong with the idea, the story, or grametical errors. Please Keep writing and working on this one story. If you stop, I will virtually slap you!


Oh no! A threat? Gasp!
I promise, though, there is going to be more. I'm working hard on this story.
"This band is metal in that we have a lot of metal in our instruments, and there's quite a lot of metal on my belt buckle as well." - Mikey Way
  





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Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:28 am
Echolair says...



omgsh mikey wrote:I haven't posted much on here, so I thought I'd do some catching up. This is a story that I just started a few days ago, but the characters were developed and I wrote about them a long time ago. I had found pictures for visual aids on other sites, so I thought I'd share them with you, just to help you see them.
Adam
Lacey
I hope those help. I sorta formed a crush on Adam... :D
OOH! I made this banner too. I do that sometimes... out of boredom... when I should be writing... Shotgun banner

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I sighed heavily, blowing my bangs out of my face. “Great.”

“Oh, come on, Lace. It wasn’t that bad.”

I turned to face my best friend, Adam Smith. He had been my best friend for quite a while, and I truly couldn’t think of anything that I did to deserve him. He had that slacker reputation going for him, and even though he could be such a butt-hole, I still loved him. “Adam, have you ever been humiliated like that? In front of the whole school?”

He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. “No,” he mumbled.

“Exactly. So I suggest you shut up.”

He scowled, and we continued to walk down the sidewalk. My bag was hitting the side of my leg, and I was ready to throw the thing into the dumpster. During our lunch period, being the huge klutz that I am, I tripped on a chord that was taped to the floor. My food went flying. Not out in front of me, but straight up, and guess what happened? Yeah, it was all dumped on me.

I had to spend all of fifth and sixth hour washing all of corn and pudding out of my dark red hair. I would've preferred to have washed it in a shower, instead of shoving my head underneath the faucet in the bathroom, but that's all I was able to get my hands on.

We had only been released five minutes ago, so things were still being shot at me. “Hey Lacey! Did you have a nice trip?”

I scowled at the jerk that yelled it, and gave him the finger. He rolled his eyes and continued whatever he was doing before. “Lacey,” Adam said, “everyone’s gonna forget about it by next week. I promise.”

I stared at him as we walked towards his car. “Thanks,” I mumbled. “That helps a lot.”

He looked at me, and suddenly realized that it was Monday, which meant five more days of torture. “Oh, sorry. But come on, Lacey, you’re better than that. You seriously won’t let it bother you, will you?”

I sighed, and angrily, I pounded my fist against the windshield of Adam’s car. He rolled his eyes, and got inside with two swift movements. I tried to be as smooth as him, but that didn’t end up as well as I hoped it would. “Arg! Adam, my seat belt’s stuck in the door.” He continued to pull out of the parking lot, and I groaned. “Adam! Stop the car!”

He chuckled, and the car stopped moving. I opened my door and quickly pulled the belt back. I shut the door, and placed the belt into the lock. “You ok now?” He asked. I nodded, my hair falling into my face.

“Yeah. Let’s just go home.”

He smiled, and pulled out of the parking lot. A comfortable silence fell between us, and the only noise in the background was the radio and passing cars. “Hey, Lacey?” Adam asked.

“Hmm?”

“I was planning on goin’ to senior prom, and my date canceled on me. Do you wanna go? I mean, just as friends…”

I laughed. “Yeah, sure.” I felt my heart flutter and I blushed. What was wrong with me? I saw Adam smile to himself out of the corner of my eye, and I looked at him. “Why’d your date cancel?” I asked. We stopped at a red light, and he sighed.

“She suddenly remembered she’d promised some other guy to go with him.” Adam had never been a good liar. He had this habit of fidgeting when he was lying, and that was exactly what he was doing.

“Oh,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell him, of course. He pulled up my driveway and I sighed. “Ok,” I said, opening the door, “I’ll call you later, loser.”

He smiled, and rolled his eyes. “Ok, weirdo.”

I got out of his car and shut the door. Something in my bag was poking my leg and I winced as I walked up to the door. I could hear my parents fighting, and when I opened the door, I tried to sneak by them as quietly as possible. They stopped talking, and I grabbed a soda from the refrigerator on my way up. “Lacey,” I heard. I turned around and sighed quietly.

“Yeah?”

See, when I said I heard them fighting, I didn’t mean that they were yelling fighting. They were just kind of arguing about something, and I was nervous. Were they gonna get a divorce? That’d be bad.

“We didn’t expect this to happen,” mom said, “but, honey, it did. And we were going to tell you earlier, but we weren’t sure how you were going to react to this.” She paused, looking at my dad. She nodded, and he sighed.

“Your mom’s pregnant,” he said. What?! No, that’s not fair. She couldn’t be…

“And I have been for almost four months.”

Now I wanted to punch something. “Four months? FOUR MONTHS?!” I yelled. “Mom! It’s my life too! Why didn’t you tell me!”

“I wasn’t sure of how you were going to react to it, honey. I was trying to think of the best way to tell you.”

“And it took you four months?!” I wanted to punch something, preferably her… or dad. It didn’t matter to me. They were both to blame.

“Sweetie, this was hard for us too,” mom said, trying to calm me down. It wasn’t working. I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

“Whatever,” I said. “Whatever, I don’t care. I’ll be out of here before the brat is born, so I don’t care.” I turned to go upstairs. I had major urge to annoy them with my really bad guitar playing.

“Lacey Michelle!” Mom exclaimed. I ignored her and continued to go upstairs. A million things were running through my head, like, I’ve been an only child for eighteen years. I thought it was gross my parents were still ‘active,’ and I couldn’t believe they didn’t tell me about the baby. I pulled out my cell phone and pressed speed dial #3.

“Operator,” came the voice I wanted to hear as soon as I heard the news.

“Adam… I hate my parents.”

“So do I. Why?”

“My mom is freaking four months pregnant. And I just now found out about it.” I closed my bedroom door and slid the bolt across. I didn’t want them to bother me.

“Oh, wow. That’s… wow.”

“I want to punch something,” I mumbled, opening my wild cherry Pepsi and taking a large gulp.

“I know what you mean. When I found out that mom was gonna have Anne, I wanted to strangle her.”

Anne was Adam’s four-year-old sister. She’s the cutest thing ever.

“But Adam, you’ve got an older sister too. I’ve been an only child for all my life,” I said. “Hey, I’m gonna go now, and possibly annoy the ears off of my parents with my suckiness at guitar.”

Adam laughed, and said, “ok. I’ll see ya later.”

I hung up the phone and picked up my electric guitar. It was black with pink splatters all over it. I absolutely loved it. I had received it for my sixteenth birthday, after I had already learned how to play. Now, I guess I was an ok guitarist, but I only knew a few songs. My fingers found the third and fifth fret and I started to strum on the strings. I started to play random songs that I made up out of boredom and I started to really play.

“Lacey! Turn that down!” Dad yelled from behind my door, pounding. I ignored him and continued to play.




I tugged on the hem of my tee shirt as I walked down the sidewalk. It was almost seven o’clock, and Adam was supposed to have met me at the park, but he was a no show. “So much for that,” I mumbled. I kicked a rock as I walked, and finally it went into the grass.

“Lacey!”

I turned around and saw Adam. I sighed, slightly annoyed. “What?”

“I’m so sorry. I forgot.”

I looked at him. He wasn’t lying, so I cooled off a bit. “You’re the one who suggested it,” I said softly.

“You’re right. And I’m sorry, ok? I got wrapped up in the show I was watching.” I took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Adam held his arms out, and I let out an airy laugh. I hugged him, and when I let go, I looked up at him contently.

“Dude, you need to get a watch,” I said. He laughed.
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25
  





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Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:31 am
Echolair says...



Sorta go mixed up with the reply thingy but anyways, I LOVE YOUR STORY :) Adam is sexyyy. :)) Lol. Keep my updated with your stories, mate! xoxo-Jace
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25
  








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