Young Writers Society

In this series;

Change of place
Settling In
Friends or Foes?

Check them out if you like this =]

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I hate it here. I hate it.

Why did we even come? I had friends, I had a life. I had a boyfriend for the first time ever.

Oh I remember the look on his face when I told him. His deep brown eyes were almost black as they dulled and he just stood, gaping at me.

Why are you moving to New York? He had stuttered as he let go of my hand and stood infront of me. I avoided his gaze and looked down at the ground.

I explained how my mum and dad had found new jobs over there that were better than the ones that had over here, so they wanted to move over as soon as possible so that we could settle into the new house.

He didn't say anything else, just turned around and walked off, down the garden path. I cried. I cried. Ask anyone... I never cried. My dad once said that I shouldn't bottle up all my feelings, but it's hard not too sometimes.

Now, I was stood infront of a pale blue door, a stern but gentle hand gripping my shoulder. It belonged to the headmaster, or principle as they say over here, and he was reassuring me that everything would be fine.

I walked through the door as he pushed it open, feeling him nudge me in furhter than I wanted to go, to be greeted by twenty or so curious gazes. The teacher declared to the class that I was a new student.

A boy sat at the back caught my gaze as he looked back at me, a small smile on his lips. He studied me with a warm and friendly stare as I smiled back a little, too nervous to add more enthusiasm.

The principle waved a hand at me suddenly and told me to introduce myself. I gulped. Oh dear...

My name iz Liza, I said quietly. My British accent, which was not so posh, seemed thicker here and a few snickers and giggles flickered around the room. I gulped again and shuffled from one foot to the other awkwardly. I explained about how I moved from England becuase my mum and dad wanted to work over here and then walked to the seat the principle pointed out.

Next to him.

I sat down quietly, taking off the bright red beret perched on my head and ruffling out my long auburn curls, while peeking a glance at him.

His hair was long and it swept over his forehead like a wave of caramel coloured silk, on the brink of poking into his eyes if it got any longer. Opposed to mine, it was neat. My own hair hung in slack ringlets of copper coloured strands and frizzed up all over the place at the top, looking like a lions mane.

I blinked a little, crashing back into reality as I realised the lesson had started and I hadn't taken out my books or pens. Leaning down to get them out of my bed, I came face to face with the boy, who was also leaning down.

My name is Scott, he whispered and then was gone, sitting back in his chair and scribbling on his paper, not shooting a glance my way for the rest of the lesson.

Maybe this would be more interesting than I thought....

Heya! You probably don't know me (or maybe you do *shrug*) but I noticed this and thought I would crit! ^^ *begins to read*

I had friends, I had a life. I had a boyfriend for the first time ever.

Maybe just make it a whole sentence...? It would certainly work.

...had found new jobs over there that were better than the ones that had over here...

I do believe you're missing a word around this area. I suggest "that they"

I was stood infront of a pale blue door

Choose one. ^^

or principle as they say over here

It may seem like you're overdoing the comma, but you're not. You should put a comma right after 'principal' (spelling ) because "as they say over here" is extra information that is necessary. ^^

feeling him nudge me in furhter than I wanted to go

Spelling. ^^ (I type too fast as well )

I liked this, actually. ^^ I never had a liking to modern day romances 'cause they always seem to be the same-old plot. However, maybe it was because the main character moved to a 'Whole New World' and made it interesting. I dunno, but I do like this. ^^

One thing, I noticed your lack of quotations. I don't know if that was purposeful or if you were confused as if you should have them or not--I don't know, but I recomment you go back and put some quotations like here:

Why are you moving to New York? He had stuttered as...

It doesn't hurt to put this in quotes (before the tag, of course). Then, you wouldn't have to capitalize 'he.' Even if you don't put this in quotes, lowercase 'he' anyway to show it's a tag and not a new sentence.

That's the only thing. Otherwise, wonderful start. I do hope you're continuing this. ^^ I'd be willing to crit some more.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

i love this story

i hope youve put this half on bebo


you should put the first half on here lizzypoo

i can see a good storyline developing and such like

it's got abit of an manga feel to it

x

First of all, USE THE SPACE BAR! There are numerous places in this piece where two words are joined together by the lack of a space. Read through your story again. Catch the mistakes yourself.

I explained how my mum and dad had found new jobs over there that were better than the ones that had over here, so they wanted to move over as soon as possible so that we could settle into the new house.

This sentence could be simplified. Consider this: "I explained how my mum and dad had found new jobs in America and wanted to move as soon as possible." This sentence says the same thing and doesn't bore your reader. Try to explain backstory in as few words as possible.

I never cried

I believe you meant 'cry'.

Maybe this would be more interesting than I thought....

Wait. She thought moving to New York would be boring? I doubt it. Any normal person would be scared out of their mind to be moving to a new country. And scared doesn't fall under the list of emotions which are 'not interesting'. This is not a realistic sentence.

Lastly, why didn't you use quotation marks with your dialogue? If you're planning on continuing with this, I think the reader will become extremely annoyed with your lack of quotaion marks. Just a thought.

Anyway, overall a good job.

-Kylan

Hi Ginger, here comes my critque

I cried. I cried. Ask anyone... I never cried.

The way you used cried like that isn't very effective. To me, I felt it blocked the flow a bit. The repetition could be better phrased in my opinion.

The rest of the sentence structures worked very well for me.

Review:

A good start to the story. I felt this was more of a prologue than an actual chapter of a story. You established the beginning well and your descriptions are well thought out and allowed me to picture the setting of the story very well.

When using dialogue, be sure to use quotation marks or you will get eaten alive. However, I do give you credit for using very realistic dialogue that shows some reflection of the character's personality.

The issue I had with the story is that I did not feel a strong connection with your characters. The ideas they portrayed could had been more complex and intruging. It seems pretty typical for a love story at the moment. Reading your work on bebo, I feel that if you add more of your creativity to the story, it would be an intruging read. Make your characters unique and in depth. Bring them to life. And most importantly, ensure that they portray a strong sense of individuality.

I hope my review helped. I don't think a line by line was necessary as the others did a good job of that. I believe a review was more appopriate for you.

Good luck. Will continue to read.

Hi Ginger, (you don't mind me calling you taht do you?)
Ummm... I'm not a romance person but seeing as you asked on chat I think I'll try to do something at least. Just not sure whether it'll be useful...

To me, this seems more liek a prologue than an actual chapter because of the fact that a lot of it is telling. Also, nothing of great significance happens (yeah she moves). It's paving the first few metres for the rest of the story. So, looking at it as a prologue, it seems like a pretty good venture. But if you want to make it an actual chapter, give us more showing and less telling. I hope that went well...

Your writing has a very good flow to it, but you tend to halt that flow with unnecessary wording. There's several points where the sentences could be far more condensed. When you're writing, it can feel sometimes like you need to explain yourself better, but readers tend to fill things in on their own--all you really need to do is lead them forward and they'll do the rest. They will, however, get bored with a bunch of extra words that are extra and explain how the extra words can be bad when the extra words are used and so on. <--- It can get pretty snarled after a while. You're not nearly this bad, but it illustrates my point. Go through and reread the piece, and you'll see what I mean.

You did an excellent job making us feel as if she were in an alien world. I especially liked the bit about the principal (remember, there's a difference between principals and principles!); it gave me a quick reminder that she wasn't from the USA. I would have liked some more clarity on that issue in the beginning, but you followed up nicely.

I LOVE THE BOY. :D Maybe it's just me, but my mental image of him was instantaneous and I love him. It made the entire thing delightful.

me again, i am not going to repeat what has been said by those before me. they definately have more knowledge in the grammar aspect.
I can see where you are going with the story, and i think it will turn out very good. but i was lost in the beginining, i wasnt sure where the story was taking place. when you stood before the pale door, i thought you were still in the area of your boyfriend. I do like your story and look forward to reading more.

I haven't critiqued fiction in a while, but here goes. Diving right in:

I hate it here. I hate it.

Why did we even come? I had friends, I had a life. I had a boyfriend for the first time ever.

I understand that this feeling is probably something many teenagers have experienced in some degree or another, but it's a cliched way to start out your story. Try something more original. You can say the same thing, just say it differently.

Oh I remember the look on his face when I told him. His deep brown eyes were almost black as they dulled and he just stood, gaping at me.

Ginger, dear, you know I adore you. But please, please do not fall into the jaws of the romance writer monster. Eye color is fine to describe. I don't mind knowing a character's eye or hair or skin color or whatever. But in the third paragraph of a story, unless it's a brilliant literary device, it says, 'hey look! I'm in a romance novel!" So just be careful.

Why are you moving to New York? He had stuttered as he let go of my hand and stood infront of me. I avoided his gaze and looked down at the ground.

No quotes? This makes Ari sad. Ari likes dialogue.

Properly punctuated, this would read:
"Why are you moving to New York?" he had stuttered as he let go of my hand and stood in front of me. I avoided his gaze and looked down at the ground.

Pruning ruthlessly (to borrow a phrase from a brilliant critiquer):
"Why are you moving to New York?" He released my hand. I looked down, avoiding his gaze.

See? Same thing, only less wordy.

I explained how my mum and dad had found new jobs over there that were better than the ones that had over here, so they wanted to move over as soon as possible so that we could settle into the new house.

He didn't say anything else, just turned around and walked off, down the garden path. I cried. I cried. Ask anyone... I never cried. My dad once said that I shouldn't bottle up all my feelings, but it's hard not too sometimes.

No, Ginger! You must show me! Don't just tell me that he walked off and she cried. Show her wrapping her arms around her stomach, hunching over, sobbing until she begins to cough uncontrollably. Create vivid images in my mind with your writing.

I get the not crying thing, that's me right there. So if you're like that too, then you know how it feels. Show me what it feels like to cry after you haven't for such a long time. To really involve your reader in the story, they either need to watch the tears rolling down your characters face and wrap them up in a big tight hug, or feel the tears running down their own face. Know what I'm saying?

Now, I was stood infront of a pale blue door, a stern but gentle hand gripping my shoulder. It belonged to the headmaster, or principle as they say over here, and he was reassuring me that everything would be fine.

This is a little vague. I get that's she's over in the U.S. now, with the principal (when I was little they told us to remember he was your PAL and then you wouldn't forget how to spell it... LOL), but I want you to show me again. Rather than just saying it, try something like,
I hesitated at the door to the principal's office.
He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Now now, don't be nervous. Everything will be fine."

...Except perhaps less creepy. I think I'd smack that principal if he was being all handsy with me on the way to his office.

I walked through the door as he pushed it open, feeling him nudge me in furhter than I wanted to go, to be greeted by twenty or so curious gazes. The teacher declared to the class that I was a new student.

Ohhhhhh... we're going into a classroom... my bad. Heh.

A boy sat at the back caught my gaze as he looked back at me, a small smile on his lips. He studied me with a warm and friendly stare as I smiled back a little, too nervous to add more enthusiasm.

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! FOREIGN LOVE INTEREST INTRO!

...yeah.

Try not to be so blatant about this. Right now you're following a very standard teen romance formula. Spice it up! Have her meet him in a cello lesson, or by walking into his open locker, or by getting him out of trouble for something. I don't know. Something other than, "OMG, that guy in the back of the classroom is like... fine." Not that you actually said that, but you get the idea.

The principle waved a hand at me suddenly and told me to introduce myself. I gulped. Oh dear...

Principal.

Also, people don't really do this to new kids any more, do they? I only know of one person who's ever had to do this. Maybe it's a British thing...? It's definitely a Hollywood thing, though. So unless this is a speech or debate class, I'd say nix the in-front-of-the-staring-class intro. It's been done.

My name iz Liza, I said quietly. My British accent, which was not so posh, seemed thicker here and a few snickers and giggles flickered around the room. I gulped again and shuffled from one foot to the other awkwardly. I explained about how I moved from England becuase my mum and dad wanted to work over here and then walked to the seat the principle pointed out.

Principal again.

And still no quotes? Ginger, you're killin' me.

I did like this though. You showed me! I really like the detail about the British accent. That's very good! You have a lot of opportunity here to show the discontinuities between American and British culture, so the accent was a good place to start. Lovely, dah-ling.

Next to him.

Naturally.

I sat down quietly, taking off the bright red beret perched on my head and ruffling out my long auburn curls, while peeking a glance at him.

His hair was long and it swept over his forehead like a wave of caramel coloured silk, on the brink of poking into his eyes if it got any longer. Opposed to mine, it was neat. My own hair hung in slack ringlets of copper coloured strands and frizzed up all over the place at the top, looking like a lions mane.

Waaay too much on the hair here. Auburn hair, granted, is the shiz, but please, just tell us it's curly and auburn and looks like a lion's mane. That's funny. We like funny.

Also, this may just be a personal pet peeve, but it bothers me when people mix descriptions of things... like "caramel coloured silk." Hmm... tasty... Does it come in 200-thread count for sheets?

Hehe, I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, for the intro, give us something to go on for his personality, rather than just his hair. Or, more interesting than just the color, talk about the way it falls. I liked "on the brink of poking into his eyes if it got any longer" since it gave us an idea of both length and texture. Remember, some of the most vivid characters have been created with little to no extensive physical description. (I'm thinking most strongly of Jane Austen at the moment.) To really make these people feel like real people, focus on the personalities.

I'll leave the last three paragraphs alone, since I think you get the idea. At least, I hope you do. You seem like a smart girl so if you don't get it (whee! spice and show, don't tell!) then I'll have to... er... take away the cookies I'm going to give you!

Hehe, I hope this helped, at least a little. Thanks for bearing with me as I get back into the swing of things critiquing-wise.

*flings virtual cookies to the lovely Ginger*

Yet another critique, as asked for.

Love your story that's for sure!

I think you have a story forming here. You definitly have a nice flow but some of your sentences were too long. Maybe try to cut them in two or three because they just got too lengthy for me. Besides that, I liked it. It was short and sweet. I'll be looking out for more!