z

Young Writers Society


Violet, her first appearance



User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:27 am
Ghostwriter says...



Tom looked at himself in the mirror.
He looked the same as he did in middle school.
“ Hello.” Tom said.
He sounded the way he did in middle school.
Tom sighed, He knew that many would question why he didn’t grow at all. They will probably say ‘ Hey, it’s short stuff…what gives? You can’t reach the top of your locker? Here, Why don’t I give you a lift?’
Tom sprayed on some deodorant under his arm’s and quickly putted on his favorite Hawaiian shirt and brushed his hair. He looked at himself and saw that it was the same shirt from a year ago…and it fitted very well. Tom sighed.

Sammy woke up and was brushing her teeth and brushing her hair at the same time. Her wet hair was easy to brush and she quickly spitted her mouth content’s into the sink. She putted her hair into a large ponytail and looked into the mirror.
She looked a little bit different today. She smiled.
Why not? Today’s the day.
She walked out of the bathroom and was ready to put on a yellow blouse when she remembered. He hated yellow. She putted on a blue one.
She putted on some jeans and looked In the mirror of her room.
She looked different then before.



Tom looked at his electronic scooter and sighed.
At least he can ride this thing again.
Tom got on and it began to prime up.
“ Here we go…” Tom chuckled and then it sped up really fast and he went out of his garage and down the driveway and into the street.

Sammy ran down her sidewalk and then looked at herself. She was ready and looked hot.
She looked down the street and saw him ride up. He didn’t look that bad either.
He looked up from his scooter and then looked in Sammy’s direction and his mouth gaped open.
sweet. Sammy smiled and began to walk up to him.” Wow…” Tom said in awe. Sammy blushed,” You look amazing Jess.”
Sammy looked behind her and saw her bigger sister Jess. She was wearing a red dress and looked at Tom with victory in her eyes. “ Thank you Tom, Now I know my NEW boyfriend will like this dress.”
“ Isn’t this the third boyfriend this week?” Sammy asked Jess. Tom looked at Sammy.
“ Oh Sammy, When did you get here?”
That hurt. Sammy gulped that comment down and grabbed Tom by the scruff of his Hawaiian shirt.
“ I got here way before you! Where were you?”
“…Picking you up?” Tom gulped. She is different from the last time, that was sure. The last he saw her was 2 months ago, When she left to go to her Mom’s cabin.
“ Sorry if I was late?” Tom apologized, hoping to get out of this for a bit.
Sammy sighed and dropped Tom back into the seat of the scooter. Jess already walked down to the college.



Tom and Sammy turned the corner on the electronic scooter and saw the high school in their eyesight.
“ Listen Tom…” Sammy sighed.
“ By the way,” Tom asked,” How was your two month visit?”
Sammy held on Tom with her dear life. He’s not exactly the best driver and Tom build this thing to go fast. A bad driver and a fast engine. Bad combination.
“ It was good, My mom is meeting other people….and I saw a lot of old friends.”
Tom nodded his head and turned left, almost making Sammy another splat on the road.
“ And a couple of them( more like all of them) had…boyfriends.”
“ Wow, so you like that Sammy?” Tom chuckled.
“ Yeah!” Sammy said in surprise, He was pretty slow when it comes to it.
“ Really? You like gay men?”
That was when the Scooter pulled up to the high school, Sammy and Tom got off…And Sammy kicked Tom in the groin.
Tom fell to the ground feeling very dizzy.
What a way to start High school, Tom sighed. Getting a kick in the groin by a girl.

Tom looked at the door’s leading to his first class. Sammy was probably already in there.
“ Tom!”
He cringed, expecting a kick but opened his eyes to see Sammy looking at him strangely.” What’s with you?”
“ Um…nothing.”
“ Well, this is it…the first day of high school.”
Tom putted his arm around Sammy’s shoulders.” Yeah, Let’s get the middle school stench off and wipe it clean with the rag of High school.”
Sammy didn’t look inspired.
“ All right then…” Tom sighed and they both walked through the door…and were pulled out by two huge men with bald head’s and sunglasses.
They got pulled into the principals and they both sat on the couch there. The principal looked at the both of them and smiled.” I’m proud of you two.”
“ Wow,” Tom Whispered to Sammy,” We only got here and she is proud of us. Wonder if she doe’s this to everyone?”
“ I’m proud that you and our school has been represented to go to Europe.”
“ WHAT?!?!” Tom and Sammy shouted. The principal turned a sign around on her desk that said ‘ silence’.

“ It seems that you have been picked for a new exchange program.” The principal sighed, The two burly men stood at each side of the coach and really made Sammy feel uncomfortable.
“ I’m sorry, We just got here. Maybe you kidnapped us by mistake.” Tom sarcastically said.
“ Your name’s are Tom Smith and Sammy Pennington is that correct?”
“ No…I’m Jerry Bonfield, And she said her name is Wendy Willington.”
The principal pointed to Tom’s shirt. He looked down and saw that he was wearing a nametag.
“ You both were picked for your specific measurements, Hair color, weight, and Height.”
“ What’s that got to do with us being picked for a exchange program?” Sammy yelled and The principal flipped the sign again. She kept silent.
“ Because this country is…how can I say it?” She looked at the two men.” ‘A routine system’.”
“ You mean…” Tom imitated the principals look,” Routine?”
The principal groaned.” Tom, Sammy, meet Joe and Bob. The co representatives of Compava, the country your going to.”
Tom looked at the two men and they still looked straight head.
“ Is that going to be in the next geography lesson, because I never heard of the country ‘ Compava’.” Tom gulped.
“ They had declared independence from England 2 year’s ago and it has finally been recognized from the United states. And were honored to go there as representatives for the next 2 months.”
Sammy looked almost shocked. She couldn’t believe it herself…even Tom couldn’t believe.
“ Wait…Co representatives? You mean there’s another representative?”
The principal nodded her head and pointed outside the window and at a 14 year old girl wearing a white jumpsuit with five yellow stripes on her shoulder.
“ That’s…Compava’s Representative?” Sammy stuttered as the girl stared outside without moving at all. She cute. Sammy thought. The girl had dyed purple hair with a face that showed no emotion but a beautiful face. Her body was finally chiseled for perfection.
Sammy looked at Tom and saw that he didn’t care about her that much.
“ Well see you both later…” The principal then waved her hand. Bob and Joe grabbed Tom and Sammy and were pulled out of the door.
The principal then quickly reached for the phone and dialed for Sammy’s parents. They should know about this. She dialed the phone and then she suddenly saw the apple the Representatives leave begin to shine. It shined way too bright. She closed her eyes and then she looked around her office.
She grabbed the phone and dialed Sammy’s Father.
“ hello?”
“ Yes, this is the principal of your daughter’s new school…she is dead right now. A Bus hit her. Goodbye.”
“ Wait…What!?”
The principal hanged up the phone and dialed Tom’s Mother and father’s phone number.
“ We didn’t even get her name.” Tom said as he walked across the parking lot to the White sedan.
“ Her nametag say’s she’s Violet.” Sammy sighed as she walked beside Tom.
“ I have a cousin named Violet.” Sammy remarked.
“ Well, at least we won’t be working with a stranger.”
A person's heart is like a painting.
Because it's fragile, yet it bring's the greatest emotions to you.
  





User avatar
203 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 203
Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:33 am
October Girl says...



wow, impressive. I think you did a pretty good job. I think you described your characters thoroughly and you made everything a perfect image in my mind. Good luck and keep writing.

-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™
  





User avatar
135 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 135
Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:02 am
cat4prowl says...



umm im rather confused but ill try to point out some things my comments are bolded

Ghostwriter wrote:Tom looked at himself in the mirror.
He looked the same as he did in middle school.
“ Hello.” Tom said.
He sounded the way he did in middle school.
Tom sighed, He knew that many would question why he didn’t grow at all. They will probably say ‘ Hey, it’s short stuff…what gives? You can’t reach the top of your locker? Here, Why don’t I give you a lift?’
Tom sprayed on some deodorant under his arm’s and quickly putted on his favorite Hawaiian shirt and brushed his hair. He looked at himself and saw that it was the same shirt from a year ago…and it fitted very well. Tom sighed.

no space. would and will are different tenses, keep in the same tense. putted is not a word, you dont add -ed to all verbs, it would just be put. same with fitted. also, double space between your paragraphs makes it easier to read and guarantees more critiques

Sammy woke up and was brushing her teeth and brushing her hair at the same time. Her wet hair was easy to brush and she quickly spitted her mouth content’s into the sink. She putted her hair into a large ponytail and looked into the mirror.
She looked a little bit different today. She smiled.
Why not? Today’s the day.
She walked out of the bathroom and was ready to put on a yellow blouse when she remembered. He hated yellow. She putted on a blue one.
She putted on some jeans and looked In the mirror of her room.
She looked different then before.

keep in the same tense. spitted=spit. putted=put. combine these sentences. the contrast between characters is nice, but too obvious. it doesn't flow.



thats all i have time for right now, sorry. but i will mention that the characters dialogue is flat and confusing, especially the part where they meet each other. that made no sense.

I mean first i thought tom was surprised by her appearance and then suddenly his sister pops in and then out and someone, i dont know who, says something about samantha that doesn't make sense and she gets mad and kicks tom in the groin but the next time they meet it doesnt seem like the last conversation happened... i didn't follow it at all.

also, when someone calls and tells your parents that you're dead, you don't just say what, you have emotion!

but, getting past all that, i do like the idea and reccomend proofreading and double-spacing. sorry if this seems like a harsh critique, just trying to help.

keep writing!
  





User avatar
62 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 62
Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:33 am
Izzyeyore says...



Hey, I guess that I'll continue where Ghostwriter left off :D

Tom looked at his electronic scooter and sighed.
At least he can ride this thing again. could still ride the thing?
Tom got on and it began to prime up. and primed the engine?
"Here we go…” Tom chuckled and then it hesped up really fast you can get rid of the 'really fast', as sped up implies increasing speed... and he went out of his garage and he left his garage, drivingand down the hisdriveway and into the street.

Sammy ran down her sidewalk and then looked at herself. She was ready and looked hot.
She looked down the street and saw him ride up. He didn’t look that bad either.
He looked up from his scooter and then looked in Sammy’s direction and his mouth gaped open.
sweet Sweet. Sammy smiled and began to walk up to him. new paragraph..” Wow…” Tom said in awe. Sammy blushed,” You look amazing Jess.”
Sammy looked behind her and saw her bigger sister Jess. She Jess] was wearing a red dress and looked at Tom with victory in her eyes "looked at Tom, victory in her eyes?. “ Thank you Tom, Now no need for capitalization I know my NEW italics? boyfriend will like this dress.”
“ Isn’t this the third boyfriend this week?” Sammy asked Jess. Tom looked at Sammy.
“ Oh, hey Sammy, When no need for capitalization after commas did you get here?”
That hurt. Sammy gulped that comment down maybe get rid of "that comment down", i think plain old "gulped" would be fine, sometimes less is more :D and grabbed Tom by the scruff of his Hawaiian shirt.


Sorry! All I have time for as well, homework calls, sadly.

Overall, great job! I really like where this story is going.


Oh-- last comment really I'd like to start out by apologizing for the meanness of my editing and also, one frequent mistake that I've seen in your work was that in bits of dialogue, after a comma you would capitalize the following word. Capitalization is only necessary after a full stop, a period.

Good job though! Keep writing!
  





User avatar
135 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 135
Tue Mar 11, 2008 3:06 am
cat4prowl says...



i would like to more formally apologize for my overly harsh review. Your story is wonderful, i must have been in a pretty bad mood and i am [b]very/b] sorry. I hope you will continue this story, as i am interested to see what happens next.

again, sorry.

oh btw, i just reread the part that really confused me. it makes sense now, but i suggest changing this:

Tom looked at Sammy.
“ Oh Sammy, When did you get here?”

to be on the same line, it all makes total and complete sense after that. sorry.
  





User avatar
108 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 108
Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:40 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



I was both laughing at and stunned by this line:

“ Yes, this is the principal of your daughter’s new school…she is dead right now. A Bus hit her. Goodbye.”
“ Wait…What!?”


Waiting for more.
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





User avatar
440 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 440
Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:55 pm
gyrfalcon says...



First off, would you mind going through and putting spaces between your paragraphs? Makes it a whole lot easier to read. Second, you might want to scan through and check for places where you didn't capitalize (or capitalized in the wrong place) and misspellings. No matter how great your story is, it's hard for a reader to get into it if they keep hitting typos. Good luck!
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
  








Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant