Young Writers Society

You and me. Together forever. That's the only thing I could think about as I sat there in history class. Marilyn and Jake. Jake and Marilyn. I didn't even notice when my history teacher asked me who was the first king of France. He repeated my name over again, this time i heard but without thinking said "Jake". The whole class burst out laughing and i turned a weird shade of red. He repeated the question and this time I answered. I couldn't wait to get out of that class! The last few minutes felt like hours. Finally, the bell rand. The end of third period. Lunch! I raced into the crowded hall bumping into a lot of people as I went. I raced to my best friend Madison's locker. Madison was every girls dream of what you want to look like. With long blonde hair and big blue eyes. And a body any girl would kill for. Me on the other hand, I have super skinny legs, a tiny bum and a very big muscular upper body. The opposite of what a girl wants to look like. Try not being able to wear any tight shirts and not wanting to wear tight pants because you think you'll look like a freak comparing your lower half of your body to your upper half. She rolled her eyes and whispered,"It's getting really old how on day 5's you always come to my locker just because Jakes is three lockers down!" " Shut up", i replied in a whisper. "Here he comes." Quickly I looked into her mirror to see if my hair was alright. Compared to Madison I was nothing. At least in my opinion. Yah, we both have blue eyes, but I have redish brown hair and she has almost bleach blonde hair. As he walked by me I took at step forward to move out of his way but I stepped into some water and fell, my books all over the floor. Right away he bent over to help pick up my books and helped me up. I was flustered and didn't know what to say. But I managed to get the words out, " uhh... thank you" He nodded. He said, " Have I ever meat you before? Because I don't seem to recognize you." " Oh, I've been here since the beginning of the year.", I replied. " When is your lunch?", he asked. " Right now.", I answered. He asked me if I wanted to sit with him and his friends in the Cafeteria. Madison grinned and I swung her a dirty look. After he left, I smiled my fullest and Madison rolled her eyes and said, " Don't have a seizure he's just having lunch with us."
We got to the cafeteria, Jake motioned for us to come over. We sat down with Jake's friends. They greeted us and we ate. For a while, the only noise at our table was the sound of gums flapping. Madison broke the silence. I could see she was interested in one of Jake's friends. Madison is a born flirter. After lunch Jake and Madison walked up the stairs, oh, and Mr. Jockey (whose name was actually Steven) joined us. There was seriously something going on between them. It was awkward having them flirting and us talking.
"I feel like I've known this guy for my whole life." , I told Madison after we entered period 5 math. She rolled her eyes and said, " He definitely liked you Mair, but don't get too ahead of yourself, you don't want to fall in love." I understood what she was saying but I knew I was, falling in love.

This is only the first part. Don't worry guys, there will be more!:D

Alright Alex this was definitely an improvement from your last post. But something that concerns me is that you have not been keeping your 2:1 ratio. Since you have now posted 2 things you should have reviewed 4 things by now. I know you are a new member but I think that you should read the rules which you can find under 'About' then 'Rules and Guides'. Since you are new I will give you some time to catch up with the rules. So here's your critic.

First, after someone has spoken start a new paragraph.
Second, your Is need to be capitalized.
Third, again with the paragraphs you also need to start a new paragraph every time there is a new idea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraphs That's what good ol' Wikipedia has to say about it.

Quote:
He repeated my name over again, this time i heard but without thinking said "Jake". The whole class burst out laughing and i turned a weird shade of red. He repeated the question and this time I answered. I couldn't wait to get out of that class! The last few minutes felt like hours. Finally, the bell rand. The end of third period. Lunch!


'...but without thinking I said..'

'...wait to get out of that class.' (I wouldn't put an exclamation point there)

'...the bell RANG signaling the end of first period, which meant lunch.' (when I capitalize things there the things I've corrected.)(I combined the three sentences so it helps with the flow)


Quote:
Try not being able to wear any tight shirts and not wanting to wear tight pants because you think you'll look like a freak comparing your lower half of your body to your upper half.

This part doesn't really make much sense to me. Try re-wording it.


Quote:
"It's getting really old how on day 5's you always come to my locker just because Jakes is three lockers down!"

Spell five don't write 5, it looks illiterate.

Quote:
As he walked by me I took at step forward to move out of his way but I stepped into some water and fell, my books all over the floor.


Istead say something like
'... but I stepped in some water and fell, and like me my books went everywhere.'

It makes more sense in my opinion.

Quote:
He asked me if I wanted to sit with him and his friends in the Cafeteria.

'Cafeteria' doesn't need to be capitalized.

Quote:
After lunch Jake and Madison walked up the stairs, oh, and Mr. Jockey (whose name was actually Steven) joined us. There was seriously something going on between them. It was awkward having them flirting and us talking.


I don't understand that 'Mr. Jockey' part. Try explaining yourself more or re-wording it to help the reader to better understand.

Quote:
I told Madison after we entered period 5 math.

Once again spell five.

Quote:
I understood what she was saying but I knew I was, falling in love.

Remove the comma after was.

Overall it was good. Work on thoswe things and remeber the 2:1 ratio PLEASE!

PM me with any questions about my review.

-BroadwayGirl

ALEXANDRA!!! SPACING! SPACING! SPACING! What is wrong with you?!?!
And you MUST capitilize ALL your "I"'s ! I know that you can do way better that this! It was a good story line but you have to proof read it first!
You should also know that you shouldn't always write about the same thing, it will get kinda' annoying and I won't read any of your stuff anymore if you keep writing like this!
Ohter than that it was good! rewrite it and I'll review it again, k?
bye
shanan-cat!

It's really crazy flirty but kinda raw in some places (most of those have been pointed out already). Perhaps a little more description about the school and the class would help you pace yourself?

So, this definitely has some potentially to be a crazy engaging teen romantic kind of a thing, but right now it's a little untapped into. Everything does go by way too fast and the description of everything is a little fuzzy so nothing seems very clear. I don't know enough about the characters, and I don't really feel anything for them; whether it be that we hate them, like them, have mixed feelings about them, whatever, like make sure you have characters that totally get a reaction from your reader, you know? (I know, that's like one of the things I have major problems on...I overload my stories with description and none of my characters seem believable...we can work on that together, eh?)
But anyway, characters are definitely important to a story, and like the potential to be engaging, I think there's untapped potential in this for the characters to be engaging as well.
Also, I think romantic fiction is definitely something you have to be careful with. Actually, that's ever genre, never mind. It's just way too easy to fall into the stereotypical formula of, "Boy meet girls, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl have a fight and think they'll never see each other again, but then something tragic happens and boy and girl are reunited, happily ever after," or something like that.
So, I think I've said everything that I've been meaning to say. I know none of that was actually helpful or very specific. Just pm me if you wanna know anything.
I usually don't get on much because of homework
(acck...home...work?? How can such a word exist???)
But I'm going to try to some more.

Do some things. Then I'll review.

#1: Space all the paragraphs out. Rawr. Do you want your reader to get a headache?

#2: Run this through Word. Countless grammar mistakes, even while I'm shifting through everything.

#3: Err...Unless you super-admire James Patterson and his use of extremely short chapters, then fine. I won't yell at you for wasting your time just putting up this little bitty block of text that should be called "Chapter 1".

#4: Do them all quick. I'm surprised you actually got a review with the sloppy form you put up.

--Seree.