Young Writers Society

The Strong Arrow

The sinew was pulled taught and the arrow flew true. I felt it hit my heart a second late. My chest ached and a great wind blew after the arrow, taking all my breath away. It was then I knew we were something special. Cupid’s arrow was strong this time.

I wasn’t even close enough to see his face, but I knew he was my type, a cute, boyish handsomeness. I turned around and giggled silently to myself, pretending to be still working, checking a pile of books in at the computer. I glanced at the calendar, then my watch, noting the day of the occasion. The day I saw the boy of my dreams. It was a Wednesday, at three in the afternoon.

He had walked in and taken a seat at the table in direct view of, but halfway across the room from the main desk, where I worked. I dared not stare at him for fear he might suspect me. Of what, I don’t know, but I dared to hardly even look at him! Though the first thing he did, which I watched from the corner of my eye, made me gasp aloud. He pulled out a sketchbook and a Number 2 yellow pencil. An artist! Someone akin to me! Surely we are meant to be together, I thought. Bam! My thoughts were out of the gate, their circuit had begun. I glanced over at him and just noticed his eyes moving down as if just glancing at me. My mind was racing now.

I turned to get another stack of books to check in, but mostly so no one could see my blushing. I watched him sneakily though the clear reflection on the dark office window. His brown hair fell towards his paper as he drew large, sketchy lines on the paper. When I turned around and returned to the desk, I stole another quick glance at him and again, noticed his eye’s downward movement. I blushed again furiously. I busily began checking in books, taking special care of making myself resist from looking in his direction.

I quickly began thinking like a foolish girl in love. Maybe he’ll come over here. I wonder if he’ll check out a book. Then I’ll ask him what he’s been drawing!

I took my acquired stack of Young Adult books and went to put them away. As I walked toward the shelves, I stole one more nervous direct glance at him before I busied myself with looking for the three book’s authors and placement on the shelves. I kneeled down on the floor near the K’s and put away the last book. From the floor, I looked up again at the boy. He was looking straight at me! His attention went directly back to his drawing, but I had frozen for a spilt second and, recovering from the floor I returned to the desk. I took the stack of Children’s books and placed them on a cart to be put away later. God forbid I leave the room now, not with this Godsend sitting in front of me. I followed his arm movements of what he was drawing from the side of my vision. I noticed it was just like the shape of my left collar on my light orange button-up shirt. Me? He was drawing me! I hadn’t even thought of that! I should go and see what he’s drawn. Go and flirt with him! Come on! Get over your shyness now. This is your chance of a lifetime. He may end up liking you! But I remained frozen, looking up stupid statistics on the computer, how many books the library had, roughly 80,000, how many were checked out, about 3,000.

I just stood there stupid and frozen behind the desk. And when he closed his sketchbook and stood up, I just stood there. When he walked out of the library, I just stood there. I almost wanted to bawl right then. Why wasn’t I moving?! I was screaming at myself inside my head.

I quickly found a librarian and said I was going to take a break. I ran to the closet, grabbed my bag, and ran out the door he left through, the one I usually took to go on my break. I went to the café next door, ordered my usual, and looked down all the tables for him. He was not in sight. How stupid was I to let him walk out with out even speaking to him? I knew he wasn’t going to check a book out to come speak with me. He was a summer tourist, he didn’t go to my school, I’d never seen him before.

I ran across to the park, quickly devouring my cookie on the way. He wasn’t anywhere. I threw out my wrapper and headed down the main street of downtown. I went up and down those two blocks repeatedly during my half hour break and failed to find him, the love of my life. Lesson learned. Hopefully fate will bring us together again someday, if we are truly meant to be.






True story. I finally wrote it up from when it happened about three years ago. Hope you enjoyed it.
~Yoyo

1.handsomeness

Word?

2. but mostly so I no one could see my blushing.

Take out the I

3. I blushed again furiously.

Comma after again, and take out the ly.

4. I busily began checking in books, taking in special care making myself resist from looking in his direction.

This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Try this: "I busily began checking in books, taking special care to make myself resist looking in his direction."

5. From the floor, I looked up again at the boy who was looking at me.

Looked, looking, look is not the only way to describe it. Don't use the same or exact same word in a sentence. Change it up a bit. These three words are used way TOO much throughout your story. There's glanced, mesmorized, ect. I use thesuarses if I get stuck.

6. but I had frozen for a spilt second and recovering from the floor and returning to the desk.

Try this: "But I had frozen for a spilt second before recovering and slowly drawing up off the floor, I walked shakily back to the wooden librian's desk." Or something like that.

7. I noticed it was just like though shape of my left collar of my light orange button-up shirt.

"I noticed it was just like the shape of my left collar on my light orange button-up shirt."

8.He wasn’t anywhere.

"He was nowhere in sight"

9. Hopefully fate will bring us together again someday, if we are truly meant to be.

"If we are truly meant to be, then fate will bring us together again someday."

Hope this helped. Jamie Bondage

Thanks! Some of that you misunderstood though (1, 3), and others are stylistic choices (7, 8, 9) and I will not be changing those. But thanks for catching the others! Sometimes I just don't catch stupid mistakes. XD

~Yoyo

Ditto Replyer Number One. :]

All of those silly little things, and paragraph three sounds awkward. All that "!" sentences, and the whole Bam! thing doesn't work. God forbid the girl be Emeril.

What I did like, however, was the reality of this. I mean, how many times have we caught ourselves running away from a cute guy? [or, less dramatically, just couldn't summon up the courage to talk to him] Just by nervousness, or worse: how many times did we think someone liked us for outward appearances, but instead you were just being awkward and they were just staring?

XD

However, I think it ended a bit un-elaborately. The whole "Lesson learned." sentence doesn't work for the rest of the story, because you start out with a BAM! [now THAT'S how you use it ^.~] and you're ending it with a considerably smaller "bang.....".

I can't tell you to stretch it out, because, truly, that's what the story is. A girl sees a cute boy, thinks they were destined for each other, and ends up losing her chance. That's it. Nothing more, the readers walk away slightly disappointed which is good because you keep them wanting to know if you and him hook up, and plus it's not always healthy to satisfy your readers.

I don't know. Elaborate a bit more, especially on thoughts because in the very first paragraph you elaborate on what she's thinking. So keep that continuous throughout the story.

Liked the beginning. It's what drew me in the first place.

--Seree.

Wow. I felt like i was just riding a really fast train.

I love the pace of this story. It seems perfect; like the intensity of the girls beating heart.

Personally i liked it. i loved the ending as well, it was sublte and calming.

Hey, just a question. Did you actually find that guy again?

Thanks Seree and chayonz. And no, I never did find him. I was stupid for not doing anything. I seriously could have. It was just weird, the connection that I really felt even though I had never even spoken to him before. Bizarre, I don't even know if I can believe it now. *sigh* Whatever. Heh.

~Yoyo

That is the type of Romance novel that I would buy. The pace was perfect and I found myself beginning to fall in love with your characters! The start was fantastic, I really thought she had been hit by an archer or something. Then when you said about Cupid I laughed and smiled. Very catchy indeed, well done.

The sinew was pulled taught and the arrow flew true. I felt it hit my heart a second late. My chest ached and a great wind blew after the arrow, taking all my breath away. It was then I knew we were something special. Cupid’s arrow was strong this time.

I don't like this whole paragraph. It sounds lofty and musty. Either expand it so that the sentences don't just hang there, or take it out. I'd suggest you leave it in, however, since it's a decent beginning.

I dared not stare at him for fear he might suspect me. Of what, I don’t know, but I dared to hardly even look at him!

"dared" was used twice; try to vary the word choice.

I took my acquired stack of Young Adult books and went to put them away. As I walked toward the shelves, I stole one more nervous [s]direct[/s] glance at him before I busied myself with [s]looking for the three book’s authors and placement on the shelves[/s] the books.

Most of this information is unnecessary. The reader already knows she's going to put the books away and doesn't need to know about the authors (unless it's used for pacing, in which case it'd be better to expand on that in a separate sentence of description following the action). Direct isn't really necessary, but if you're intent on keeping it, it should be separated from the rest of the sentence with a comma since it is part of a series of adjectives. Conciseness is key ^^

I just stood there stupid and frozen behind the desk. And when he closed his sketchbook and stood up, I just stood there. When he walked out of the library, I just stood there. I almost wanted to bawl right then. Why wasn’t I moving?! I was screaming at myself inside my head.

A lot of "just"s. If it's intentional for characterization, that's fine. If it's unconscious wordiness, rethink the wording.

The "true story" at the end explained a lot. In general, I felt like you were just trying to tell all the actions that occurred in order, which is fine for a time line or to remember something, but in romantic fiction, readers want to delve into the emotions of the character (in this case, you). This doesn't happen with phrases like "He was staring right at me!" because that doesn't tell how you were feeling. The story continues to describe how the main character froze and went on, doing other things, but it doesn't go so much into how they were done, just that they were. And as in most other things, it's the how not the what that really brings a story to life.

Now that you've written the events out, I think you should distance yourself from this story and let it sit for a while before you come back to look at it again. Ultimately, the story is not in the fact that the main character works at the bookstore and is reshelving books. The story is in the interaction between her and the boy.

Good luck!

She seems like she found the perfect guy!!! I loved how you wrote the story. I can't wait until you expand on this story. My writing camp teacher said that most stories come form your experiences.

addicted to ur romance stories