Young Writers Society

[pre]









It was a dark and damp night in the cave. Rena stirred sleepily in the distance. She dreamt of the night that her childhood was lost as she did every night. When Rena was 12 a terrible thing happened. She was sleeping soundly in her room in the 3 bedroom cottage, when she heard arguing. It was her father and a group of strange men. They held guns on him. One of the men turned his attention to Rena’s mother. Her father tried to stop them. They pinned him down and made him watch. The man later known to be called Rath stripped her mother of her dressings, and violated her as her husband watched.


Rena could see the tears rolling down both of their faces. She could hear the screams of horror escaping her mother’s last breaths as the beast choked the life out of her. She saw her father trying to run to his lifeless love only to be shot in the back. The whole time Rena watched from the safety of her bedroom entrance. The three men slowly sprayed gasoline about the house, and took all her mother's jewelry. It was only when Rath's henchmen were done stealing that he saw her. That frail girl in shock stared back at them. She tried to run but her feet stayed. With a grin on his face Rath walked over to her and grabbed her about the waist. They tied her by her wrists and walked her behind the horses. While they road, and Rena tried to keep up she saw the only home she knew burn to the ground. She resented her parents for at least they were free from this world, as for her she would be held captive till maturity.


Rena had just celebrated her 17th birthday. If you could call it a celebration. The night consisted of being passed around the group and soaked in alcohol. Rena spat and cursed as each hand or alcohol touched her. She would leave that night… before the torture got worse. After all the “so called” fun she was left to clean up the camp. It was time to make her escape. The night before she finished filling a makeshift saw out of a bone. Carefully Rena sawed threw the thick ropes taking head not to wake Rath. Since she had turned 13 she had been forced to sleep beside him. He did not touch her though. The only code they had was that they all should wait till 18th year.


The ropes snapped. Rena startled. The break of freedom was more ear crackling than anything she had heard. As the ropes dropped, Rena ran with all her will power. The men were fools they lay soundly in their tents. She didn’t stop till she reached a stream. Rena plunged off of the cliff into the chillfull water below. The rush of water felt so good about her dirty skin. Rena scrubbed the filth off of her, leaving her past behind. She headed for a new road. Rena came to a small town. A stream trickled in the distance. A smell wafered from the rooftops. Her mouth watered and her stomach rumbled. She hadn’t eaten in days. Nor had she stopped running in fear they would find her.


She stealthily crept behind the houses. A tantalizing pie lay untouched on the edge of a window. Rena edged closer and wrapped her hands around the pie. Before she could turn and run, a firm hand gripped her wrists. “What do you think you are doing? I just baked that.” Rena looked up menacingly. Her eyes softened when they met the sea green eyes, and light brown hair of a young man. “I … I’m sorry. I was hungry.” The man’s look softened and he beckoned her in. “Sit down and I will get your some real food.” Rena did as she was told. The man pored 2 bowls of stew in front of her. Then he sat down and buttered loaves of bred. Rena lunged for the loaf. The man pulled it back. “First of all what is your name? Secondly go wash your hand.” Rena pushed the chair back and went to the sink. She scrubbed her hands scrupulously. Rena turned around and sat back down. Seeing the food just out of her reach was torture. “Now you name please?” “My name is Rena… Rena Rightheart. ““My name is Aeron Minus.” “Pleased, to meet you.” He extended his hand. Rena cringed back. “Why should I trust you? “ She screamed. “No reason other than that I am feeding you.” Rena slumped back into the chair. “Fine, just eat then!” Aeron rose from the table and shuffled out of the room.


When he returned Rena had eaten both bowls of stew and the loaf of bread. “You really were hungry” he chuckled. Aeron laid a white nightgown along the table. “Here go around the right to the bathing hall. Clean yourself up, and put this on.” Rena stared in awe. Why was he so kind? “Go ahead, I don’t bite.” Rena lifted herself from the table. She grabbed the dress and walked to the bathroom. In front of her lay a tub, laden with rose petals and surrounded by candles. Rena undressed and pivoted into the tub. She smelled in the wonderful aromas. This was the first time in years she had had a real bath. Rena fell asleep there after washing her slim figure. She only awoke when a knock was heard on the door. “Rena, are you okay?” a voiced called. “I’m fine I just drifted off a bit.” Aeron entered with a towel in one arm and a bottle of lotion in the other. Rena’s eyes opened wide. He was standing in front of the tub, and she was naked beneath the rose petals. Aeron extended the towel and closed his eyes. Rena rose and slowly exited the tub. He wrapped the towel around her all while keeping his eyes shut. “Thank you…” He handed her the lotion. ‘‘Here this will make your skin feel better after this long day.” Aeron showed her to the guest bedroom. As Aeron turned to leave, Rena called out to him. “I … I must repay you for your kindness.” “Rena began to undo the towel. Aeron turned his back. “Please cover yourself up… There is no need for such kind of payment.” “ Call if you need anything.” Rena told him of her past and that she had no home.


Rena did not understand. She had grown up learning that only if she gave the men the pleasure of her body would she get anything in return. She closed the door and changed into the night gown. Then, she opened the door and went to search for Aeron. “I’m sorry I am not pleasing towards you.” “No not at all. I just don’t make a habit of taking advantage of pretty girls.” Rena blushed and sat down next to him. “I will work off my debt.” “No need, you can stay here for as long as you wish.” The night dragged on and Rena slumbered. Aeron gently picked her up and carried her into the room. He had to withstand himself from leaning over to kiss her. As he exited he dimmed the lights. Then he went to his own bedroom down the hall.


She awoke early the next morning. The sun eluminated the room. A tray of breakfast lay next to her. She sat up and began to devour it. A voice called from the kitchen. “So you’re awake… Come over here when you are done.” Rena slowed her eating for she was hesitant to see Aeron again. After last night she didn’t know how to face him. When she finished the last morsel she dragged her feet toward the kitchen, tray in hand. “You wanted to see me?” “Yes if you are going to stay here we must get your some proper clothing.” “Go look in the closet in the bedroom and find something suitable.” She did as she was told. As she exited the room Aeron’s eye lit up. Rena wore a blue dress adorned with white satin. “Now that is much better.” “Wait a moment we are missing one last touch.” Aeron ran to the hallway closet. He pulled out a small black box. Inside laid the most ornate shoes known to man. The color matched Rena’s dress and they had sparkling gems at the rim. “I can’t wear those. They are too expensive.” “No bother at all they were my sisters.” Rena slipped into the surprisingly supple shoes. They fit like a glove but not as tight.


Aeron locked her arm and walked her to the buggy. This way miss, we are off to town. She hesitated, but let Aeron boost her into the back seat. He climbed up to and gripped the reins. “Hiya” he echoed. The horses cantered down the path. As they entered the town heads turned and people waved hello. Aeron parked in front of a large building. Rena did not want to leave the safety of the buggy. “Come on, they don’t bite.” Rena let Aeron lead her away form the buggy. The women stared at her. They wondered who Aeron’s new acquaintance was. He led her into the building. The sing read… well she couldn’t make out the whole sign. All she could read was shop. Rena had never really learned how to read or write. She awed at the dresses and hats. She had only seen them in the magazines the men brought her.


Aeron called a woman over to help Rena to be fitted. “Pick out the best for my girl” he said. Rena blushed at the words. His girl… What did he mean by that? The lady had her try on many dress, and hats, and such. She had to take in most of them for Rena had a smaller than usually figure. I guess that’s what you get when you only eat the scraps of the day. Aeron paid for the clothing and loaded it onto the buggy. He then paid a boy to park his horses in the stable. He grasped Rena’s hand and walked her toward s the dining hall. A dance was to begin. Rena and Aeron were married. He taught her how to read and write, and Rena never looked back again.[/pre]




P.S. I plan to add more to the story this is the first draft.

If you space this out a bit and make actual paragraphs, you will get more critiques. The way it is, it is really hard to read, and therefore discourages people from giving good crits. If you choose to change the format, pm me and I will give you an indepth crit.

Jamie Bondage

Prefacing your story with character profiles is a cop out. I can see how it might work if the story revolved heavily around mechanical themes and imagery, but as this one doesn't, character profiles seem more of a device to cheat readers out of description.

Scroll down the page. Do you notice how everything begins with Rena? That's alright to a point, but you want readers to be more like ghosts in the story, walking around and discovering the world and characters for themselves, than being cameramen for a reality show and just following the main character everywhere she goes. Be careful of this.

It was a dark and damp night in the cave. Rena stirred sleepily in the distance. She dreamt of the night that her childhood was lost as she did every night. When Rena was 12 a terrible thing happened. She was sleeping soundly in her room in the 3 bedroom cottage, when she heard arguing. It was her father and a group of strange men. They held guns on him. One of the men turned his attention to Rena’s mother. Her father tried to stop them. They pinned him down and made him watch. The man later known to be called Rath stripped her mother of her dressings, and violated her as her husband watched.

Similarly, you might want to rethink this paragraph. As is, the narrator is telling the reader what happened. The narrator becomes the sole authority on Rena's dream and there is no room for interpretation. This comes in the form of sentences like "When Rena was twelve" (by the way, spell out numbers up to a hundred, rather than writing the numerical symbol ^~) and "... when she heard arguing". A better technique would be to transport readers into the scene, seeing what she sees. Take the flashback as truth, something like "Rena woke up to arguing" and follow her as she goes down the stairs to see what's happening. Show, show show! Detail and description are the literal and figurative heart of the story; don't cheat your readers out of it ^^

This holds true with the beginning of the following paragraph as well:

Rena could see the tears rolling down both of their faces. She could hear the screams of horror escaping her mother’s last breaths as the beast choked the life out of her.

Instead of "Rena could see" and "she could hear", use "Rena saw" and "Rena heard". This closes the gap between story and writing and makes it easier for people to transverse the gap from reality to the world of the story. Grammar like this makes everything seem like summary, and you don't just want to summarize the story; you want to tell it!

As far as the romantic aspect of this story, both Rena and Aeron seem to accept each other right from the beginning, she is 'his girl, and there is little conflict between them. What conflict there is is quickly and neatly resolved, leaving no opportunity for it to build throughout the story and give real depth to their relationship.

The sun eluminated the room.

^ "eluminated" should be "illuminated"

This doesn't have a very strong ending. It's too happily ever after. She found him, married him, and he helped her read and write, the end. The phrase "Rena never looked back again" has so much potential for depth! It has the possibility of inner conflict for Rena, how she now has this new life and her old one could haunt her, but none of this happens. More than one sentence is needed for this to happen. Again, this is what makes this piece summary rather than story. The reader is removed from Rena's emotions, her innermost thoughts.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions; happy editing!

All in all, this was a very interesting idea for a story, but quite confusing in some places. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors, but I won't name them specifically as this was a first draft.

Now for the confusing parts. First of all, you never explained who the men were and why they attacked her house. Were they just thieves and murderers who were attacking her house to steal things, or did they have a personal grudge against her family?

Secondly, you mentioned that Rath never touched her, that they had to wait until she was eighteen, but then later you said that growing up among them, she had learned that in order to get something she wanted she had to let them take advantage of her in return. Maybe I'm just missing something there, I really don't know.

I just found the whole thing with Aaron kind of confusing too. Like, who was he, and why would he just take her into his home without knowing who she was and why she was in the state she was in? This aspect was a bit clunky to me. I really would have preferred a different ending, too. I mean, not what happens, I think it's fine that they get married and he teaches her to read and write, but you could have stated it differently. It sounded too much like you were telling a fairy tale, just like, "And they got married and lived happily ever after, the end." You might have described his proposal, or hinted that they got married, but I thought it was a bit too straightforward the way you ended the story.

All in all though, I liked this story, thought it was an interesting concept. You had me hooked from the first line! I can't wait to read more of this story.

Hiya!

Let's take a look here shall we...

OK then, first things first. Why the factfile? Writers say that by putting a factfile you can't be bothered to write all those tedious and annoying (yes) information that tells us what these people are.

Having said that, I still like your character development. I am uncertain about the ending however:

'A dance was to begin. Rena and Aeron were married. He taught her how to read and write, and Rena never looked back again.'

I don't know what it means? If it is a strn metaphor, I don't get it, and if it isn't, why not? . It just seems so simple an ending.

That sounded harsh I bet, but I really liked this.

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

haha yea the story needs a lot of work

So...it looks like I was beat to the punch. See, I told you if you spaced it out you would get a lot of crits! XD So...yeah. =p Since everyone else has already critiqued this, I will not post *another* long crit telling you everything wrong in your story. If, however, you have anything else you would like me to look at, pm me! XD Sorry I couldn't be more help.

Jamie

Final draft:





It was a dark and damp night in the cave. Rena stirred sleepily in the distance. She dreamt of the night that her childhood was lost as she did every night. When Rena was 12 a terrible thing happened. She was sleeping soundly in her room in the bedroom cottage, when she awoke to arguing. She crept out of bed and felt around for a lamp. Rena found a small candle and stroke a match to ignite it. The flame glowed wearily as she made her way down the stairs toward the living room. Rena stopped and bent down when she saw who it was. It was her father and a group of strange men.


Rena’s eyes widened, they held guns on him. The group of three wore tarnished rags with the soot of the trails. They had just escaped from the prison in Scio and were in need of money. When the family would not peacefully turn over their belongings, the men turned their attention to Rena’s mother. Her father tried to stop them, but they held him back. They pinned him down and made him watch. The man later known to be called Rath stripped her mother of her dressings, as Rena’s father watched.



Rena saw the tears rolling down both of their faces. She heard the screams of horror as they escaped her mother’s last breaths, as the beast choked the life out of her. She saw her father trying to run to his lifeless love only to be shot in the back. The whole time Rena watched from the safety of the stairway. The men slowly sprayed gasoline about the house, and took all her mother's jewels. It was only when Rath's henchmen were done stealing that he saw her. That frail girl in shock stared back at them. She tried to run, but her feet stayed. With a grin, Rath walked over and grabbed her about the waist. They tied her by the wrists and walked her behind the horses. While they road, Rena tried to keep up. She saw the only home she knew burn in the distance. She resented her parents for at least they were free from this world, as for her she would be held captive till maturity.



Rena had celebrated her 17th birthday. If you could call it a celebration. The night consisted of being passed around the group and soaked in alcohol. Rena spat and cursed as each hand or alcohol touched her. She would leave that night… before the torture got worse. After all the “so called” fun she was left to clean up the camp. It was time to make her escape. The night before, she had finished filling a makeshift saw out of a bone. Carefully Rena sawed threw the thick ropes, taking head not to wake Rath. Since she had turned 13, she had been forced to sleep beside him. He did not touch her though. The only code they had was that they all should wait till the 18th year.


The ropes snapped. Rena startled. The break of freedom was more ear crackling than anything she had heard. As the ropes dropped, Rena ran with all her will power. The men were fools they lay soundly in their tents. She didn’t stop till she reached a stream. Rena plunged off of the cliff into the chillfull water below. The rush of water felt so good about her dirty skin. Rena scrubbed the filth off of her, leaving her past behind. She headed for a new road. Rena came to a small town. A stream trickled in the distance. A smell wafered from the rooftops. Her mouth watered and her stomach rumbled. She hadn’t eaten in days. Nor had she stopped running in fear they would find her.


She stealthily crept behind the houses. A tantalizing pie lay untouched on the edge of a window. Rena edged closer and wrapped her hands around the pie. Before she could turn and run, a firm hand gripped her wrists. “What do you think you are doing? I just baked that.” Rena looked up menacingly. Her eyes softened when they met the sea green eyes, and light brown hair of a young man. “I … I’m sorry. I was hungry.” The man’s look softened and he beckoned her in. “Sit down and I will get you some real food.” Rena did as she was told. The man pored 2 bowls of stew in front of her. Then he sat down and buttered loaves of bred. Rena lunged for the loaf.


The man pulled it back. “First of all what is your name? Secondly go wash your hands.” Rena pushed the chair back and went to the sink. She scrubbed her hands scrupulously. Rena turned around and sat back down. Seeing the food just out of her reach was torture. “Now you name please?” “My name is Rena… Rena Rightheart. ““My name is Aeron Minus.” “Pleased, to meet you.” He extended his hand. Rena cringed back. “Why should I trust you? “ She screamed. “No reason other than that I am feeding you.” Rena slumped back into the chair. “Fine, just eat then!” Aeron rose from the table and shuffled out of the room.


When he returned, Rena had eaten both bowls of stew and the loaf of bread. “You really were hungry” he chuckled. Aeron laid a white lace nightgown along the table. It shimmered in the moonlight. Rena stared at it. She couldn’t believe she was allowed to wear such a beautiful thing. “Here go around the right to the bathing hall. Clean yourself up, and put this on.” Rena stared in awe. Why was he so kind? “Go ahead, I don’t bite.” Rena lifted herself from the table. She grabbed the dress and walked to the bathroom.



In front of her lay a tub, laden with rose petals and surrounded by candles. Rena undressed and pivoted into the tub. She inhaled the wonderful aromas. This was the first time in years she had a real bath. Rena fell asleep there after washing her slim figure. She only awoke when a knock was heard on the door. “Rena, are you okay?” a voiced called. “I’m fine I just drifted off a bit.” Aeron entered with a towel in one arm and a bottle of lotion in the other. Rena’s eyes opened wide. He was standing in front of the tub, and she was naked beneath the rose petals. Aeron extended the towel and closed his eyes.



Rena rose and slowly exited the tub. He wrapped the towel around her all while keeping his eyes shut. “Thank you…” He handed her the lotion. ‘‘Here this will make your skin feel better after this long day.” He turned his back and she rubbed the lotion into her fair skin. As the exited the bathroom Rena’s nightgown trailed behind her. Aeron showed her to the guest bedroom. As Aeron turned to leave, Rena called out to him. “I … I must repay you for your kindness.” Rena slipped off the straps and the gown plummeted to the floor. She then brushed her hair behind her ears. Her naked body lay before him. For the first time Aeron could see her stunning ice blue eyes. He stared intently into their depths. After a few minutes and after noticing what he was doing, Aeron turned his back. “Please cover yourself up… There is no need for such kind of payment.” “ Call if you need anything.”



Rena did not understand. She had grown up learning that only if she gave the men the pleasure of her body would she get anything in return. She closed the door and crawled under the covers. Then, she opened the door and went to search for Aeron. “I’m sorry I am not pleasing towards you.” “No not at all. I just don’t make a habit of taking advantage of pretty girls.” “ But why did you think I would be so hasty too?” “Do you think that ill of me?” “No, I… I just” Rena burst into tears. Aeron tried to comfort her but she pushed him away. “You don’t understand! I have no home. I don’t have a comfy home to lag abound in.” “You think that is all I am, a middle class snob?” “Yes! You bring me in hear as a charity case! You don’t care, no one does. Why should I trust you?” “ I do care for you…”Rena blushed and sat down next to him. “I will work off my debt.” “I’m sorry that I …” “No need, you can stay here for as long as you wish.” The night dragged on and Rena slumbered. Aeron gently picked her up and carried her into the room. He had to withstand himself from leaning over to kiss her. As he exited he dimmed the lights. Then he went to his own bedroom down the hall.



She awoke early the next morning. The sun eluminated the room. A tray of breakfast lay next to her. She sat up and began to devour it. A voice called from the kitchen. “So you’re awake… Come over here when you are done.” Rena slowed her eating for she was hesitant to see Aeron again. After last night she didn’t know how to face him. When she finished the last morsel she dragged her feet toward the kitchen, tray in hand. “You wanted to see me?” “Yes if you are going to stay here we must get your some proper clothing.” “Go look in the closet in the bedroom and find something suitable.” She did as she was told.



As she reentered the room Aeron’s eyes lit up. Rena wore a blue dress adorned with white satin. “Now that is much better.” “Wait a moment we are missing one last touch.” Aeron ran to the hallway closet. He pulled out a small black box. Inside laid the most ornate shoes known to man. The color matched Rena’s dress and they had sparkling gems at the rim. “I can’t wear those. They are too expensive.” “No bother at all they were my sisters.” Rena slipped into the surprisingly supple shoes. They fit like a glove but not as tight. “What happened to her? Your sister I mean.” “ She died…” “O.”


Aeron locked her arm and walked her to the buggy. This way miss, we are off to town. She hesitated, but let Aeron boost her into the back seat. He climbed up too and gripped the reins. “Hiyaah” he echoed. The horses cantered down the path. As they entered the town, heads turned and people waved hello. Aeron parked in front of a large building. Rena did not want to leave the safety of the buggy. “Come on, they don’t bite.” Rena let Aeron lead her away form the buggy. The women stared at her. They wondered who Aeron’s new acquaintance was. He led her into the building. The sign read… well she couldn’t make out the whole sign. All she could read was shop. Rena had never really learned how to read or write. She awed at the dresses and hats. She had only seen them in the magazines the men brought her.



Aeron called a woman over to help Rena to be fitted. “Pick out the best for my girl” he said. Rena blushed at the words. His girl… What did he mean by that? The lady had her try on many dress, and hats, and such. She had to take in most of them for Rena had a smaller than usually figure. I guess that’s what you get when you only eat the scraps of the day. Aeron paid for the clothing and loaded it onto the buggy. He then paid a boy to park his horses in the stable. He grasped Rena’s hand and walked her toward s the dining hall. A dance was to begin. But she could not dance. Aeron say her look of dismay. “What’s wrong?” “I can’t dance.” “Don’t worry I’ll teach you.” Aeron lead her onto the dance floor. He then grasped her hand and hooked an arm around her waist. He pulled her close. She grasped his hand, and placed the other on his shoulder. Her satin gloves cringed at every touch.



After much dancing they headed towards the stables to fetch the horses. As they entered the barn Aeron closed the door behind them. He backed Rena into the corner and leaned in. She flinched back like a beaten animal. Those eyes filled with so much horror. “I won’t hurt you.” “You promise?” “I promise. At anytime you may tell me to stop.” Rena nodded. Aeron leaned and gently pressed his lips to hers. Her cheeks became scarlet. She countered his kiss. And they stayed that way for a while. The moonlight shown threw the glass by the time they awoke. They had fallen asleep in the hay after the night’s moments. Aeron woke first and looked down. The girl lay against his chest as peaceful as a dove. He dared not startle her. Once again he bent down and lifted her, but this time he places her in the buggy. He instructed the horses towards home and slowly guided them to his cottage. Aeron glanced back and Rena’s sleeping body. She was so beautiful, and she didn’t even know it.



Day break came and Rena heard whistling from the kitchen. It was Aeron preparing breakfast. She sleepily stripped her nightgown and put on a slim gown. Rena walked towards Aeron. He was humming now over a stack of pancakes. She grasped his broad body which made him turn around. She stretched on her toes and kissed him deeply. “What was that for?” “Now we’re even.” “So are any of those for me?” “Of course” Aeron laid a stack of strawberry pancakes on the table. It was followed by a bowl of chocolate covered banana slices. He sat next to her. “I need to ask you. Why did you come in hear in such distress? What happened that makes it so bad to go home again?” Rena fell silent. Tears came to her eyes, and she told him everything. “Do you want me to, to go after them for you?” “No, I want to put that all behind me.” “Ok, we won’t talk about it again.” They both ate in silence.



“I noticed you staring at the signs in town. You can’t read can you?” Rena bowed her head in embarrassment. “No... I can’t.” “That’s ok... I’ll teach you.” “Really?” “Really” he mocked her. “Yes, I’ll teach you.” For the following years he taught her many things: How to read and write, How to enjoy life, How to dance, to love, to live. Their love grew over the years to come. They did not know, but it would be proved further on one day. Rena and Aeron had decided to marry. Rath and his hang had heard the news and decided to drop in on their little bride.


Rena put the finishing touches on her hair. Her extensive Irish hair lay in a beaded bun with luminous hanging curls. As she bent down to retrieve her tiara she caught a glimpse of a figure in the mirror. Before she could scream, he was there a dagger at her throat. Rath smirked ad he looked Rena over. She had matured during the past four years. She was ready for him now. He began to undo her dress with the dagger. He was about to slip it off when a knock came from the door. It was Aeron wanting to know what took so long. “I’ll be out in a minute.” Aeron could see in her eyes that something was wrong. He knew her too well. He knew when she lied. Rath got back to his task. One by one he unlatched the buttons. Throwing her top to the side, and rolling up her dress he leaned in close. As he was about to go further, but the door burst open. It was Aeron shotgun in hand.


Rath backed up slowly. He reached for his own gun. The shotgun went off. It had so much power it blew him out the window. Rath’s body shattered on the stone below. Rena turned to Aeron and he embraced her. “It is over my love. Let’s get back to the wedding. He helped her back into her dress and they went on as if nothing had occurred. They were married that day, and Rena never looked back again.