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Fallen Angel



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29 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 29
Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:58 am
fallenangel says...



[pre]I trudged through the darkness uncertainly. Desperate. Searching. Panic began to try to take me, and I fought to keep its persistent grasp away when it sensed my struggle. I ran through the forest, tripping over loose roots, feeling the branches scratch at my face. I was gasping for breath, still determined not to look behind me. I knew he would follow. Just like always.

I winced at the thought of his dark, luminous eyes glaring at me.
Focus. I thought frantically, picturing in my mind what I was looking for. And just like magic, there it was.

The light peeked shyly through the small lines of the space between the trees. I could make it this time. Seeing it this close, closer than any time before gave me the hope. The added strength and courage pulsed within me, throbbing in a pleasant way. As I came closer there was something else, attempting to tremor my new found hope. It screamed and thrashed furiously as each step brought me closer. I felt the burning inside my chest, the prodding and stabbing at my heart. I tried to ignore it, forcing myself to think of what might be in the light. I was so close. So very close. No doubt I would make it this time. I would find out. I had to. I ignored the pain; I would not give in like the other times.

I was so close! The light almost burned my eyes. I reached out now, trying to grasp the light, to pull it towards me…to dispel this awful darkness that began to engulf me.

He was too fast. I was weak, vulnerable. He played with me like a cat plays with a mouse. Giving me enough slack to think I was free, although I think I was subconsciously aware there was no way out. It was right then, as horror teasingly took my hand and led me to unmistakable fear; only one word came to my mind at that moment.

James. The emptiness, the confusion… the undying truth that ripped at the black hole that replaced my heart. He was gone. And wasn’t coming back. He wouldn’t be there to save me this time.

The eyes always came slow, glinting with malice and detestation. I knew it was too late, even before the dark flash darted in front of me.
“Please.” I whispered timidly. I braced myself fervently, shivering in the suddenly cold, abrasive breeze. I did not have to look ahead to know my goal was impossible to reach at this point. A low chuckle erupted from somewhere, it seemed like everywhere; echoing through the forest. I had stopped, wrapping my arms around myself tightly, closing my eyes. Darkness enveloped me, pulling me into a splintering disarray of indulgence. All was quiet. All was still. I whimpered pathetically in soft sobs, trembling, afraid to open my eyes. But they flew open forcibly, naturally when I heard the familiar shriek. And he was always there, unsmiling, brooding. His dark eyes questionable, mysteriously inviting, daring.
His dark, tangled hair intensified what he was, but his casual pose mocked it, spoiling the possibilities. Then he came close, and I knew that not even the earth, rotating on its perfect axis, would move now as he whispered the three most horrible words I could ever hear.

“You are alone.” He emphasized each word slowly, in a venomous voice; his eyes glittering with untainted hunger. I bit my lip furiously, trying to resist the customary procedure that followed. I knew it would come though. Just like always. James was gone. And I was left here with this terrible monster. The scream tumbled out of me helplessly like a rockslide off a cliff.[/pre]
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 8
Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:22 am
darkest_of_them_all says...



*Insert Dramatic Music Here* Cliffhanger!! Okay, well I seem at a loss as to suggest any changes because I thought it was ammmaaaazzzzzzaaaaazzzzing. And now that I've said that someone else will come along, sigh in exasperation at me for not seeing some obvious need for correction and tell you about it (with or without taking flaming arrows to the story) , but currently no one has :P. I got a definite twilight vibe and that's probably why I'm tempted to kneel and worship you currently. Anyway, I'm supposed to give you some constructive criticism, but as I said, I can't find any. I hope you write more to this and if you do I'll be reading it! :D
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:36 am
maiko_koto says...



Well, I won't be the one to come in with an obvious need for a correction. I thought it was really good!! I loved how descriptive you were and I felt like I could see everything. I hope you keep writing! I really don't have any way to critique you!
  





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49 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 49
Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:40 pm
Kelsi222 says...



WOW!! This was very good I thought. It was very well explained out. And I absoultly love the fact that you ended with a cliffhanger. A very good cliffhanger at that!!!!
Well keep up the awesome job and I can't wait to read the rest!!!! Bye.
Kelsi =)
  





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5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:02 pm
Someangel69 says...



I got half way through and i was totally distracted so easily....however you story has a few entertaining lines.
You used a lot of "i this" and "i that."
Maybe if you could find another way of saying those lines.
  





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52 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 52
Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:21 am
Foreseer says...



Interesting...I loved it! It was descriptive enough to actually be able to form a visual image in your head and 'see' the stuff going on. The first few sentences definately got my attention. The ending, and beginning, were dramatic. Like darkest mentioned I did get a little of a Twilight vibe but that's okay with me. I don't think I can give any other suggestions because I have none. But I can't wait to see what you got next!

*~*Foreseer*~*
~*~It's Not Faith If You Use Your Eyes ~*~
- Miracle by Paramore
  








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