I never knew what to say. Tyler was such a hard person to get through. But there was always constant conversation- unless, of course, we were fighting or too lost in our own thoughts.
One day he just stopped talking.
I had gone down to Macon during the last week of February to surprise Tyler. I showed up at his door Saturday morning, unexpected. He did one of those double-take head jolts, but he was glad to see me. His mouth was on mine before I even crossed the threshold into his house. I had missed his taste so much. I had missed all of him.
Our bodies were busy pressing together when Tyler's cell phone rang. In true Tyler fashion, he flung it across the room without sparing a glance at the caller ID. I heard it clunk twice as it hit the wall and then the hardwood floor. The phone call was forgotten to me.
It must have been hours later before Tyler picked up his phone again. I must have been asleep, snug in his big bed, because I don't remember him picking it up out of the corner of the room.
I also don't remember him leaving me in my sleep to return the call.
I finally woke up and found Tyler gone. This wasn't really unusual. Sometimes, I would wake up and find him still asleep next to me, or staring at me. Other times, I would wake to sounds escaping from the kitchen and I knew he was making brownies. (Tyler always said sex and brownies went well together.)
Those times I didn't see him, or hear his familiar sounds, he was usually out buying Dr. Pepper or root beer.
I glanced over. The door that led to the backyard (conveniently attached to his room) was locked. I knew he would never leave the house through the front. I closed my eyes and listened. Nothing. Not even his metal music faintly coming from the living room.
I pushed his favorite fleece blanket off of my body and took my time picking my clothes off the floor and getting dressed.
Before searching for him, I stepped through a doorway and into the kitchen, grabbing a plastic cup off the counter. I tried to guess what was in it before it reached my lips. Tea? No. Apple juice. I should have known.
After a drag on the liquid, I put Tyler's drink back on the counter and walked into the living room. "Tyler?" No. "Ty?" Still no.
On a whim, I opened the front door to a blast of cold wind. I could see exhaust coming from the back of his car, parked in the grass near the garage.
Now I heard the music, blasting through the speakers inside of his Pontiac. All of the doors were closed and the windows up. He looked up at me from the driver's seat and put his eyes back down again. I didn't find this surprising. Eye contact was not always his specialty.
He must have seen the question in my face because I saw him reach to his right and unlock the passenger door.
I was freezing by the time I closed the car door behind me, and I turned the heat up in his car. He looked at the dial, where my fingers had been, but didn't change the setting back.
I pushed the pause button on his CD player. "What's wrong?" I asked, my head tilting towards him.
"Nothing... that you want to hear about, anyway." He didn't look at me. I too moved my eyes to stare out the windshield.
Bull. "What happened?" I asked again, urgency striking a higher note in my voice. I could see him shake his head from the corner of my eye. I sighed and relaxed in my seat. Tyler sat tense next to me, his hands twitching and twittering with his jeans. I looked down and saw his black socks resting on the floorboard. I remembered how he hated white socks.
I continued to wait, tuning my brain to think of things that could have happened.
"Who was on the phone?" His body tensed more, barely visible but I noticed. Bingo.
"Lauren." A pause from me.
"Oh. Well, what did she want?"
Taylor stayed silent.
Hearing about Lauren made me anxious. She was the ex- the one who he dated for over a year, loved dearly, and still wasn't completely over. I knew this and tried not to read too much into it. I knew Tyler loved me too. Besides, Lauren had cheated on him, broken him down and almost bled him to death.
But he was still alive, and still trying to get over it.
I prodded again. "Well?"
"We just bullshitted, Kelly. Talked about whys and becauses and hows."
I nodded, tried not to get jealous. When was the last time Tyler had spoken to me that way?
"So she just called to say hi, then?" Tyler shrugged.
"She's dearly unhappy, and needed someone to talk to. I hate when she hurts." I nodded again. I knew he wasn't going to beat around the bush. There was no sense in hiding his feelings for her from me.
"What conclusion have you come to, then?" I asked, trying not to let him hear the desperation I knew was inside of me. Tyler breathed, one deep intake and exhale.
"I want her back."
I stayed motionless, my eyes once again forward, unfocused, staring through the windshield. And me? My mind screamed, but my mouth didn't react.
He offered no apology. I didn't expect one, really. I had hoped for one, perhaps. I sometimes forgot how Tyler reacted and who he really was when I felt most vulnerable. Finally, "and me?" aloud this time. I saw him shrug, again from the corner of my eye.
"Dunno, Kel, what do you want to do? I'm going to cheat on you just like she cheated on me. Not physically, but in my head."
I laughed- a forced, nervous giggle. "Tyler, we're not together. I mean, we never have been, officially." He nodded.
"I know. It's a good thing, then."
I stayed motionless for a moment longer. Then I opened the door, shivered from the cold air. "I refuse to be the one you call every time you're lonely and want a girl to sleep with. I'll be your friend, but that's all."
Tyler sat, unmoving. I waited a few more seconds before climbing out of the car and closing the door behind me, making sure to remain calm and not slam it in his face. I walked into the house and shut that door, too. I stood. Breathed. In. Out. Walked across the living room, into the bathroom. Grabbed the door knob, closed that behind me as well. How many barriers could I put between Tyler and I in a few precious seconds?
I undressed again, turned the water in the shower on. My eye caught the image in the mirror. I looked no different. It was once again Tyler and Kelly. No longer together, but apart. But as I had said to his face, we were never officially together in the first place.
Then I climbed into the shower and, for the first time, tried to wash his body off of mine.
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