Young Writers Society

So we meet again?
Chapter 1“

My darling Lilleth,

I will be home by 10:00 o’clock tonight. Dinner is in the fridge, it’s KFC. Sorry you don’t get a home cooked meal tonight, when your done, go shopping. Oh and when the foreign student calls say yes.
Love,
Mom”

Oh, thannnks mom. Now I need to actually face the reality of being alone… I think this is my least favorite thing to do…

As I walk over to the fridge and take out the chicken I realize how quiet it is here with out Dan here. Dan is my older and not much wiser brother, even though he’s great in the arts. He recently shipped himself off to some private school for up and coming artists. Sadly, he did this when I needed him most… it’s hard not having him to talk to; I guess some people would say I told him anything I’d tell to God. When dad left I kind of started getting attached to him. And mom is always working. She is CEO of Brunching Co. But all in all I have a pretty good life. You know, food to eat, money to spend, and a house above my head. While I was going over my life in my head, the phone rang. I reached over the counter to grab it.

“Hello” I said in a creamy voice.

“Oh, why hello. Is this the Darling residence?” and man with a voice to die for asked.

I was dumbfounded for a moment until I caught myself “Um, yes it is…” I replied now trying to talk in a seductive voice.

“Ah, I see. Well my name is Alexander. I’m a foreign exchange student coming to your high school and I was told to call this number to ask if I might be able to stay for the year.”

“Wow! My mom told me about this… don’t know how she found out but sure you can come. When are you arriving?”

“Is tonight all right?”

“Yep, that would be fine. See you soon!”

“Yes, you will.” He said in what sounded like a cheery voice.

WOW! I bet he’s so hot… and really nice too. I wonder where he’s from… eh! I don’t care as long as he’s really nice… all though is KFC going to do for dinner? Well I guess it has too. I think as I run upstairs to change, comb my hair and put on some make-up. Thank god I have my mom’s looks. Gray eyes that are almost blue, a petite figure, great curves, very fair skin, and silky blonde hair. By the time I’m done I have on black charcoal eye shadow, red lipstick, and just a little bit of blush. My out fit consists of my best black bra, a tight fitted lacy shirt, and skinny jeans that I just got from the mall. Just as I walked down stairs the door bell rang. Oh. My. God! He’s here! Ok, deep breaths. I walk over to the door and unlock it then slowly open it.

“Hello Ms. Darling, I’ve brought you a gift.” he said once he had pulled out a small box.

“Thank you! Come on in, I know it’s a little messy but I hope it’ll do…” I say taking the beautifully wrapped box into my hands.

He looked at me for a moment meeting my eyes and said “I believe it is perfect.”

He has black as night hair that comes just below his eye brows, hazel eyes and a perfectly sculpted face. In each ear he has a few piercings and a smile that could melt your heart. I THINK IM IN LOVE!

“If you don’t mind me saying, you look strikingly beautiful tonight.”
I feel the heat rise to my face “As do you.” I barely whisper. I walk over to the kitchen using my best catwalk and sit down on one of my grandmother’s chairs. As I sit down I remember that I have a gift to open, don’t I? I’m slightly scared, I think to myself, what will it be?

I slowly open the box, closing my eyes before I can see anything. When the box was fully open I inhaled and open my eyes. “It’s… beautiful… and old, and looks expensive… wow!” The necklace was an ancient key that has a porcelain rose on it and a loop of pearly white pearls.

“So you do like it, right?” he asked as he fumbled with his feet.
“Do I like it?! It’s unbelievable…” I said in a daze and the next thing I knew I was up and hugging him.


He seemed a little surprised so I backed away pretty quickly, and sat back down in the chair. I decided that it would be ok to put it on now cuz’ we’re going to need to go out to a store or something now so that I can buy tomorrow’s dinner. It felt cool on my neck and I got tingles down my spine. I smiled to myself quickly as I grabbed the keys to my old porche.
“So you ready? I got to go shopping. Don’t worry I’m 16.”

“Ok. Sure, I guess I’ll come.”



“Dude!!!”
Chapter 2

“Ok… so, you allergic to anything?” I ask Alexander.
“Hum, naw. I don’t think so… all though I do really hate garlic! It revolts me.” He replied making a face.

I laughed with pure joy “Don’t worry, your not alone. I hate it too… Ok, we now have eggs, peppers, herbs, milk, orange juice “no pulp”, potatoes, and what else do we need?” I stop pushing the cart to ponder on that for a moment.

“Um… are you a vegetarian or something?’ he asked.

“Oh aha! I remember now, we need veggie dogs n’ burgers! And yes, I am. I have tons of energy now.” I pause and sigh, “go ahead and get your dead cows.”

“Oh, cool! I’ll be back” he says in a theatrical terminator voice. I laugh and toss a bag of gummy bears at him.
Wow! He’s pretty awesome…though he’s not a veggie like me. We are really alike too, kind of odd.

By the time we’ve finished our shopping, I had already shown Alexander his room; which is at the bottom of the stairs to my lair. It’s the attic, and it is totally me, as in I like to be more distant sometimes. The attic is just one way I can achieve that. Plus, I’ve got a stove, and bathroom. Anyway, I told him to add what ever he wanted to his room. I cant’ believe Alexander is going to be here for a full year. This is awesome! I defiantly need to change my weekend plans…

So while thinking about my new friend I slowly fell asleep on my Victorian lounging chair.

I was woken up by my alarm clock going off. It was playing some song called “Dude Where’s My Pants?”, and the time was 7:00 AM.

As I groggily got up and stretched, I stumbled over to the shower. Twisting the knob and testing the water, I turned on the shower and washed away my sleep.

Ahoy! I've seen you a few times in Chat. And I shall be your critiquer today! ^^

My darling Lilleth,

I will be home by 10:00 o’clock tonight. Dinner is in the fridge, it’s KFC. Sorry you don’t get a home cooked meal tonight, when your done, go shopping. Oh and when the foreign student calls say yes.
Love,
Mom”

If this is a letter, it should probably be in italics. Just to highlight the difference.

Oh, thannnks mom. Now I need to actually face the reality of being alone… I think this is my least favorite thing to do…

Is this your character talking to herself? It seems like it's either a thought or dialogue. The former should also be in italics, and the latter should be in quotes.

how quiet it is here with out Dan here

This is redundant. Get rid of one of the "here"s.

Dan is my older and not much wiser brother, even though he’s great in the arts. He recently shipped himself off to some private school for up and coming artists. Sadly, he did this when I needed him most… it’s hard not having him to talk to; I guess some people would say I told him anything I’d tell to God. When dad left I kind of started getting attached to him. And mom is always working. She is CEO of Brunching Co. But all in all I have a pretty good life. You know, food to eat, money to spend, and a house above my head.

This, my friend, is what we call an "info dump." This is where you start telling the reader instead of showing them. And that's booo-ring. ^^

What you want to do with this kind of information is show it. Incorporate it into the action somehow. Don't just force it down your readers' throats. And this is where my advice ends and your writer's instinct kicks in. ^_~

“Hello” I said in a creamy voice.

Creamy voice? What does that sound like? Also, you need a question mark between Hello and the end quotations.

I was dumbfounded for a moment until I caught myself “Um, yes it is…” I replied now trying to talk in a seductive voice.

Whoa. She hears a guy with a nice voice and suddenly wants to hop into bed with him? Seems to me like you're trying to force her into being a bit... risque.

Just remember, your character is a person too! Let her lead the story, don't play Puppet Master.

And I'm sorry, but I can't continue past the paragraph after their phone conversation ends. The way you treat your character... I just feel bad for her. No one's that much of a skank. I think you really need to think this through a little better and bring your main character into more of her own person before you continue.

There are several helpful articles in the Knowledge Base (click Resources >> Knowledge Base >> Writing Tutorials) that can help you develop your character a bit more. I really would love to keep going, but I just can't, out of interest for your character.

My sincerest apologies if I seem rude. I assure you, I do not mean to come off that way. I'm just trying to help.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Hey newbie!

First off, welcome to YWS, hope you learn a lot and read a lot!

My darling Lilleth,

I will be home by 10:00 o’clock tonight. Dinner is in the fridge, it’s KFC. Sorry you don’t get a home cooked meal tonight, when your done, go shopping. Oh and when the foreign student calls say yes.

Love,
Mom

This isn't really a problem but since this is a note, it's better to italicize.

Oh, thannnks mom. Now I need to actually face the reality of being alone… I think this is my least favorite thing to do…

[b] The thing that surprises me about this sentence is that you establish the sarcasm and give a sense of not wanting to be alone but in the second paragraph you use the word 'think' which usually (in the context) comes off as unsure

As I walk over to the fridge and take out the chicken I realize how quiet it is here with out Dan [s]here[/s]. Dan is my older and not much wiser brother, even though he’s great in the arts. He recently shipped himself off to some private school for up and coming artists.

Sadly, he did this when I needed him most… it’s hard not having him to talk to; I guess some people would say I told him anything I’d tell to God. When dad left I kind of started getting attached to him. And mom is always working. She is CEO of Brunching Co. But all in all I have a pretty good life. You know, food to eat, money to spend, and a house above my head. While I was going over my life in my head, the phone rang. I reached over the counter to grab it.

Remember to split up the paragraphs. Secondly, I think you meant a roof, not house, above my head.

“Oh, why hello. Is this the Darling residence?” and man with a voice to die for asked.

How old is the Main character? If she's young, then her reactions seem.. plausible but if not, it just seems sort of..childish in a way.

“Wow! My mom told me about this… don’t know how she found out but sure you can come. When are you arriving?”

[b] If this is the actual plot of the story, wouldn't you think it'd be better if the Lilleth talks about this instead of feeling depressed over..well, nothing. I mean I understand that she doesn't want to be alone but her mother is the CEO of a company and she is lucky enough to have luxuries that others cant afford. She might not be melodramatic but it seems like it when she says I dont want to be alone but I have everything I want...you know?

WOW! I bet he’s so hot… and really nice too. I wonder where he’s from… eh! I don’t care as long as he’s really nice… all though is KFC going to do for dinner? Well I guess it has too. I think as I run upstairs to change, comb my hair and put on some make-up. Thank god I have my mom’s looks.

Gray eyes that are almost blue, a petite figure, great curves, very fair skin, and silky blonde hair. By the time I’m done I have on black charcoal eye shadow, red lipstick, and just a little bit of blush. My out fit consists of my best black bra, a tight fitted lacy shirt, and skinny jeans that I just got from the mall. Just as I walked down stairs the door bell rang. Oh. My. God! He’s here! Ok, deep breaths. I walk over to the door and unlock it then slowly open it.

Most of this was an info-dump and the part where she describes herself was sort of like a mary Sue, I mean she doesn't have any major problems and her depression seems to disappear..instantaneously. Remember to make your characters consistent


Ok in short, it's a good idea but it needs to be developed well in order for it to work. For one, you need to let the readers connect with Lilleth so, tell us more about her. The way you described the character in the beginning is nothing like how she behaved. She wasn't alone and she wasn't depressed just because of Alex? A stranger whom she's never met?? It just seems to go too fast. Again, the idea is good but the execution needs work. One more thing, I skimmed through the rest after this and you still haven't told us where he is from? If he is an exchange student, how could he get here so far? Why isn't mom back yet? Remember to talk about the details before getting into the plot.

A good start but still needs more work. Alright then, Hope you have fun at YWS and be sure to PM me with any questions regarding the review.

Cheers, and good luck with this,

--starry.

thanks for the help,ill make sure that i will change some stuff,and hopefully make it slightly better ^.^ this is my first time writing a book instead of poetry.

[b/]Once again thank you!![b]

Hey, Bethany, and welcome to YWS. Hope you like it here.

So, this was an interesting piece. Foreign exchange student, eh? That opens up a lot of opportunities for fun and confusion. There are, however, a few things that need fixing.

(My changes will be bolded.)

---

My darling Lilleth,

I will be home by 10:00 o’clock [Hmm. If this were a note, I don't think she would write both 10:00 and o'clock. I think just 10:00 will do.] tonight. Dinner is in the fridge, it’s KFC. Sorry you don’t get a home cooked meal tonight, when your done, go shopping. Oh and when the foreign student calls say yes.
Love,
Mom”

Oh, thannnks [Drawing out the word is okay, since this is a though. Just remember that you can't draw out a consonant. Try writing it "thaaaanks" instead. Or you can just italicize it to add emphasis. Also, you need a comma before mom, and "mom" itself should be capitalized.] mom. Now I need to actually [I would get rid of "actually." Remember that, most of the time, adverbs just bog down your sentences.] face the reality of being alone… I think this is my least favorite thing to do…

As I walk over to the fridge and take out the chicken [Comma here.] I realize how quiet it is here with out Dan here. [You use "here" twice in the same sentence. I would get rid of the first one.] Dan is my older and not much wiser brother, even though he’s great in the arts [Capital "a" in Arts?]. He recently shipped himself off to some private school for up and coming artists. Sadly, he did this when I needed him most… it’s hard not having him to talk to; I guess some people would say I told him anything I’d tell to God. When dad left [Comma here.] I kind of started getting attached to him. And mom is always working. She is CEO of Brunching Co. But all in all I have a pretty good life. You know, food to eat, money to spend, and a house above my head. [This creates the image of a whole house floating over her head. Maybe you should try "roof over my head" instead, even if it is a little cliched.] While I was going over my life in my head, the phone rang. I reached over the counter to grab it.

“Hello [Comma here.]” I said in a creamy [Creamy? Smooth might be better.] voice.

“Oh, why hello. Is this the Darling residence?” [s]and[/s] man with a voice to die for asked.

I was dumbfounded for a moment until I caught myself [Period here.] “Um, yes it is…” I replied [Comma here.] now trying to talk in a seductive voice.

“Ah, I see. Well my name is Alexander. I’m a foreign exchange student coming to your high school and I was told to call this number to ask if I might be able to stay for the year.”

[Okay, this is not quite believable. It seems a little unlikely that he would just call the house and ask to stay for the year. Especially if this isn't the head of the household. Maybe he could call to confirm his stay?]

“Wow! My mom told me about this… don’t know how she found out but sure you can come. When are you arriving?”

“Is tonight [s]all right[/s] [That should be "alright."]?”

“Yep, that would be fine. See you soon!”

“Yes, you will.” [Comma, not period.] He said in what sounded like a cheery voice.

WOW! I bet he’s so hot… and really nice too. I wonder where he’s from… eh! I don’t care as long as he’s really nice… all though is KFC going to do for dinner? Well I guess it has too. I think as I run upstairs to change, comb my hair and put on some make-up. Thank god I have my mom’s looks. Gray eyes that are almost blue, a petite figure, great curves, very fair skin, and silky blonde hair. By the time I’m done I have on black charcoal eye shadow, red lipstick, and just a little bit of blush. My out fit consists of my best black bra, a tight fitted lacy shirt, and skinny jeans that I just got from the mall. Just as I walked down stairs the door bell rang. Oh. My. God! He’s here! Ok, deep breaths. I walk over to the door and unlock it then slowly open it.

[Okay. A good thing to do when writing thoughts is to put them in italics. That way the reader doesn't get confused. Also, this bit is a big block of text. Try breaking it up.

Another problem you have here is a bit of an "infodump." That's when you dump a ton of information in one spot instead of spreading it throughout your story. Instead of telling us about her looks all at once, try dispersing them throughout the story in tidbits.

Another thing: Make sure this gorgeous girl isn't perfect! A character needs flaws to be real to the reader, so don't be afraid to make her average. If you are going to make her beautiful, she better have some other flaws.]

“Hello Ms. Darling, I’ve brought you a gift. [Comma, not period.]” he said once he had pulled out a small box.

“Thank you! Come on in, I know it’s a little messy but I hope it’ll do…” I say taking the beautifully wrapped box into my hands.

He looked at me for a moment meeting my eyes and said “I believe it is perfect.”


He has black as night hair that comes just below his eye brows, hazel eyes and a perfectly sculpted face. In each ear he has a few piercings and a smile that could melt your heart. I THINK IM IN LOVE!

[Remember what I said about making characters flawed? Same thing goes here. Perfect girl+ perfect guy= boring! Make sure to mix it up a little. Flaws create conflict, and conflict gives you a story. ]

“If you don’t mind me saying, you look strikingly beautiful tonight.”
I feel the heat rise to my face “As do you.” I barely whisper. I walk over to the kitchen using my best catwalk and sit down on one of my grandmother’s chairs. As I sit down I remember that I have a gift to open, don’t I? I’m slightly scared, I think to myself, what will it be?

[He's a bit forward, isn't he? Also, remember that he's from another country, which means doing something like that might be improper where he comes from, and his English might not be perfect (depending on where he's from).

Also, where is he from? If I were her, I'd be curious to know.]

I slowly open the box, closing my eyes before I can see anything. When the box was fully open I inhaled and open my eyes. “It’s… beautiful… and old, and looks expensive… wow!” The necklace was an ancient key that has a porcelain rose on it and a loop of pearly white pearls.

[I know he's being courteous, but it seems kind of unrealistic that this guy who has never met her would give her an extravagant gift upon first meeting her. Maybe something smaller instead?]

“So you do like it, right?” he asked as he fumbled with his feet.
“Do I like it?! It’s unbelievable…” I said in a daze and the next thing I knew I was up and hugging him.

He seemed a little surprised so I backed away pretty quickly, and sat back down in the chair. I decided that it would be ok to put it on now cuz’ we’re going to need to go out to a store or something now so that I can buy tomorrow’s dinner. [Here you switch from past tense to present. Also, I don't like the use of " 'cuz."] It felt cool on my neck and I got tingles down my spine. I smiled to myself quickly as I grabbed the keys to my old porche. [Porche should be capitalized, no?]

“So you ready? I got to go shopping. Don’t worry I’m 16.”

“Ok. Sure, I guess I’ll come.”



“Dude!!!”
Chapter 2

“Ok… so, you allergic to anything?” I ask Alexander.
“Hum, naw. I don’t think so… all though I do really hate garlic! It revolts me. [Comma, not period.] ” He replied making a face.

I laughed with pure joy [Oops! Missing a period.] “Don’t worry, your [You're not your.] not alone. I hate it too… Ok, we now have eggs, peppers, herbs, milk, orange juice “no pulp”, potatoes, and what else do we need?” I stop pushing the cart to ponder on that for a moment.

“Um… are you a vegetarian or something?’ he asked.

“Oh aha! I remember now, we need veggie dogs n’ burgers! And yes, I am. I have tons of energy now.” I pause and sigh, [Period, not comma.] “go ahead and get your dead cows.”

“Oh, cool! I’ll be back [Missing comma!] ” he says in a theatrical terminator voice. I laugh and toss a bag of gummy bears at him.
Wow! He’s pretty awesome…though he’s not a veggie like me. We are really alike too, kind of odd.

[Remember, it's good to italicize thoughts.]

By the time we’ve finished our shopping, I had already shown Alexander his room; which is at the bottom of the stairs to my lair. [This makes it sound like she showed him the room while grocery shopping. Maybe change it to "After we finished shopping and returned home, I showed him his room." Or something similar.] It’s the attic, and it is totally me, as in I like to be more distant sometimes. The attic is just one way I can achieve that. Plus, I’ve got a stove, and bathroom. Anyway, I told him to add what ever he wanted to his room. I cant’ [Oops! Move that apostrophe between the "n" and the "t".] believe Alexander is going to be here for a full year. This is awesome! I defiantly [I think you mean "definitely".] need to change my weekend plans…

So while thinking about my new friend I slowly fell asleep on my Victorian lounging chair.

I was woken up by my alarm clock going off. It was playing some song called “Dude [Comma here.] Where’s My Pants?”, [That comma should be inside the quotation marks, I think.] and the time was 7:00 AM.

As I groggily got up and stretched, I stumbled over to the shower. Twisting the knob and testing the water, I turned on the shower and washed away my sleep.

---


This was a good start, and most of your problems are just grammatical, and those are easy to fix.

One note: You use ellipses (...) incorrectly. I think it would be best if you replaced all of them with periods.

Besides that, just make sure that your characters are flawed and not flat!

Congrats on becoming a new member on here. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to Private Message me!

Love,

Haley