Young Writers Society

[pre]Stupid questions(chap1)

I was at Cameron’s house getting myself ready for the party. Everybody would be their and it was going to rock. Ana had just arrived and started applying make-up “ do you like my eyes?” shed ask every now and then.
“yes!” we’d all answered really just wanting her to shut up.

I had been having this weird sensation the whole entire day . I’ve always thought I have a hidden sixth sense like I always know when things are going to happen. Suddenly my phone started ringing I knew this was what my feeling was about, Immediately I got nervous .
“Hello” I said
“Hey Mary its me”
It was Marjorie one of my best friends but why would she calling give me this feeling and was it going to be something good or something bad?

“oh hey!” I said anxiously

“mm look could you get away from the other girls I have to tell you something”.
Whatever the news was it was definitely going to be bad…

“Mary look, I’m so sorry I just I don’t know what went on with me”
“Marjorie what are you talking about?”
I could barely talk I felt like puking what was Marjorie going to tell me I felt dizzy even.

“look yesterday when I was with Leo, well we kind of … we kissed”
I held the phone in my shaking hand I couldn’t pronounce a word what could I say anyways.
“Are you mad?”
How can she still ask if I’m mad?
“no” I said even though it was obvious I was. “thanks for being honest with me” I hung up.

I didn’t know what to do … was there anything I could do? No there wasn’t .
Well… just one
“Ana!” I yelled
“yeah” she said holding a lipstick in her hands.
I need to tell you something.. big! But bring the cigarettes the two packs!
Ana’s eyes grew wide she knew what ever I had to tell her was going to be huge specially if I was requesting two packs of Marlboro.

Ana threw the lipstick on Cameron’s bed and grabbed the two packs then rushed to my side.
“what’s wrong?” she whispered.
“Not here” I said “lets go outside.”
Ana followed me like a dog chasing meat.
In other words a girl chasing gossip.

I flew my feet down the stairs not thinking about anything precisely just so I could hold my tears in a little longer. Finally I reached the door that lead me outside were my car was parked.
“here” Ana said handing me a cigarette.
“thanks” I said sitting down next to my Land Cruiser.
I started talking gently so Ana could see I was actually hurt.
“…And well they kissed!” I said ending my sentence.

Ana opened her mouth she too was friends of Marjorie and of course of Leo’s as well.
Ana scooted closer to my side and hugged me “he isn’t worth you” she said. And even though that might be true it didn’t [/pre]make me hurt any less.

Hi there,

Just thought I'd leave a review..sorry if it isn't up to the mark, I haven't been around yws for a while. I will give you my general thoughts at the end, here we go:
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Stupid questions(chap1)

I was at Cameron’s house getting myself ready for the party. Everybody would be their and it was going to rock [Ok, there is nothing particularly wrong with this but, I'm a fan of detail so, give me something more about the party] . Ana had just arrived and started applying make-up

[Spacing things out will make it easier for the reader to skim through

“ Do you like my eyes?” she ' d ask every now and then.

“Yes!” we’d all answered really just wanting her to shut up. We'd all answer, wanting her to shut up.

I had been having this weird sensation the whole entire day . I’ve always thought I have a hidden sixth sense like I always know when things are going to happen. Suddenly my phone started ringing I knew this was what my feeling was about, Immediately I got nervous .

“Hello” I said

“Hey Mary its me”

It was Marjorie one of my best friends but why would [s]she [/s] her call [s]calling[/s] give me this feeling and was it going to be something good or something bad?

“Oh hey!” I said anxiously.

"Mm look, could you get away from the other girls? I have to tell you something”.

Whatever the news was it was definitely going to be bad… I really like the idea but you need to build up the tension in a better way

“Mary look, I’m so sorry I just I don’t know what went on happened to me”

“Marjorie what are you talking about?”

I could barely talk I felt like puking. What was Marjorie going to tell me, I felt dizzy even. I felt dizzy

“Look yesterday when I was with Leo, well we kind of … we kissed”

I held the phone in my shaking hand I couldn’t pronounce a word. What could I say?

“Are you mad?”

How can she still ask if I’m mad?

“No” I said even though it was obvious I was. “thanks for being honest with me” I hung up.

I didn’t know what to do … was there anything I could do? No there wasn’t .
Well… just one

“Ana!” I yelled

“Yeah” she said holding a lipstick in her hands.

I need to tell you something.. big! But bring the cigarettes, the two packs!
Ana’s eyes grew wide she knew what ever I had to tell her was going to be huge specially if I was requesting two packs of Marlboro.

Ana threw the lipstick on Cameron’s bed and grabbed the two packs then rushed to my side.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered.
“Not here” I said “lets go outside.”

Ana followed me like a dog chasing meat. In other words a girl chasing gossip.

I flew my feet down the stairs not thinking about anything precisely just so I could hold my tears in a little longer. Finally I reached the door that lead me outside were my car was parked.

“Here” Ana said handing me a cigarette.

“Thanks” I said sitting down next to my Land Cruiser.

I started talking gently so Ana could see I was actually hurt.

“…And well they kissed!” I said ending my sentence.

Ana opened her mouth she too was friends of Marjorie and of course of Leo’s as well. Ana scooted closer to my side and hugged me

“He's not worth it, ” she said. And even though that might be true it didn’t

--------------------

Where's the rest of it?? Anyway, starting with the good points: I like the idea and the general outline of what was happening but, how old is Mary and her friend Cameron? It's ok to hide a few things about the Main character but a wise reviewer once told me that the readers needs to feel a connection from the beginning.

There isn't anything precisely bad that can't be fixed about your piece but all I can say is: detail, detail, detail! Also, I know it's hard and I suck at it so I shouldn't be saying it but, try to work on grammar and word choice.

Other than that, I got through it and I would change the title of the first chapter, I don't think Stupid questions sums it up.

I'll review once you post more, take care and happy writing!

--starry

Hey!

Below are my corrections - not too many seeing as starynight89 seems to have summed it all up

------------------------------

Stupid questions(chap1)

I was at Cameron’s house getting myself ready for the party. Everybody would be their --------- "there" ------------ and it was going to rock. Ana had just arrived and started applying make-up “ do you like my eyes?” shed ---------- "she'd"------- ask every now and then.
“yes!” we’d all answered really just wanting her to shut up.

I had been having this weird sensation the whole entire day . I’ve always thought I have a hidden sixth sense like I always know when things are going to happen --------- awkward sentence, revise it ------------. Suddenly my phone started ringing I knew this was what my feeling was about, Immediately I got nervous ----------- also an awkward sentence ---------.
“Hello” I said
“Hey Mary its me”
It was Marjorie one of my best friends but why would she calling give me this feeling and was it going to be something good or something bad ------------ another terribly structured sentence --------?

“oh hey!” I said anxiously <---------- don't forget fullstops, capitals after speechmarks -----

“mm look could you get away from the other girls I have to tell you something”.
Whatever the news was it was definitely going to be bad…

“Mary look, I’m so sorry I just I don’t know what went on with me”
“Marjorie what are you talking about?” ---------- This is terrible for me to follow because you have two characters with basically the same name - Mary and Marjorie - can I suggest a Kim, or Sacha? ------------
I could barely talk I felt like puking what was Marjorie going to tell me I felt dizzy even -------- again a horribly structured sentence, should be something like, "I felt so dizzy I could barely talk. What in the world did Marjorie so badly want to tell me? I quickly sat down on Cameron's bed, before I puked all over the floor." . . . better? ---------.

“look yesterday when I was with Leo, well we kind of … we kissed”
I held the phone in my shaking hand I couldn’t pronounce a word what could I say anyways -------- I think you are forgetting commas and full stops, and that's why the sentences don't flow properly -----------.
“Are you mad?”
How can she still ask if I’m mad?
“no” I said even though it was obvious I was. “thanks for being honest with me” I hung up.

I didn’t know what to do … was there anything I could do? No there wasn’t .
Well… just one
“Ana!” I yelled
“yeah” she said holding a lipstick in her hands.
I need to tell you something.. big! But bring the cigarettes the two packs! <-------- you've forgotten the quotation marks, and this needs commas -------
Ana’s eyes grew wide she knew what ever I had to tell her was going to be huge specially if I was requesting two packs of Marlboro.

Ana threw the lipstick on Cameron’s bed and grabbed the two packs then rushed to my side.
“what’s wrong?” she whispered.
“Not here” I said “lets go outside.”
Ana followed me like a dog chasing meat.
In other words a girl chasing gossip.

I flew my feet down the stairs not thinking about anything precisely just so I could hold my tears in a little longer. Finally I reached the door that lead me outside were my car was parked.
“here” Ana said handing me a cigarette.
“thanks” I said sitting down next to my Land Cruiser.
I started talking gently so Ana could see I was actually hurt.
“…And well they kissed!” I said ending my sentence.

Ana opened her mouth she too was friends of Marjorie and of course of Leo’s as well -------- badly structured sentence -----------.
Ana scooted closer to my side and hugged me “he isn’t worth you -------- that's said wrong, maybe, "He's not worth it" or something ----------” she said. And even though that might be true it didn’t make me hurt any less.

-----------------

Ok, this was an okay story.

You're new to YWS! Welcome! Just make sure you keep track of punctuation, grammar and sentence structure, and should be right!

I suggest spending more time checking out other peoples' posts before you submit anything else, so you get the feel for what posts should look like - also check out other critiques people have submitted to the posts - more than likely, you are having the same problems as every other novice writer here! ^^

Cheers!

- jai -