Young Writers Society

James sat up quickly. He had been having a nightmare. Bethany laid next to him her arm still around his neck. James slid her arm away and looked down at her wrist. He kissed the scars their squeezing her hand as he moved off the bed. Bethany did little more than curl her fingers into her palm. He was glad she hadn’t opened her eyes; he was afraid she might remember again.
Moving through the dark room James found himself in the kitchen waiting on a pot of coffee. James grimaced as he sipped from the mug on his way to the sitting room. He hated coffee; he could’ve used a stiff drink, but he couldn’t help remembering Bethany’s dislike towards his drinking. Seating himself in the large chair near the fireplace he jumped slightly realizing that Rebecca was sleeping on the couch across the room. He hadn’t realized that she had stayed. Standing to leave he stopped himself when Rebecca spoke.
“I haven’t fallen asleep yet.” Rebecca sat up running her hands through her hair. “Is she…”
James fell back into his chair the emotionally straining events finally taking their complete hold on him.
“I don’t know how things are going to turn out from here. I don’t know if she’ll make it through this.”
Rebecca stood and walked over to James. She took a seat on top of the coffee table in front of him and smiled when he looked up at her.
“Now that’s more than I’ve heard you speak the entire time I’ve known you.”
James opened his mouth to speak but was stopped when Rebecca took the mug from his hand.
“Do you mind? I need a little waker-upper myself.” He continued to be speechless as she took a long sip from his cup. When she placed it back in his hand they both sat still.
James slid his hand over hers and barely took notice of his fingers wrapping themselves around her wrist. They searched for something that wasn’t there. Rebecca looked down and James pulled back. His eyes trailed away from her and moved along the expanse of the room finally resting on the double doors leading to the master bedroom. Rebecca fallowed his gaze and smiled to herself.
“You really do love her don’t you?” He turned back to her at the sound of her voice and focused on the last few words that came from her lips. “Love her?” “Is there something you think you know about our relationship? Do you think you know what’s going on here?”
Rebecca sat back and stared into his eyes a blank expression on her face. “Is there something I should know about,” she said finally lifting an eyebrow. James shrugged, stood up, and turned around setting his coffee cup on the mantel.
“This relationship is too complicated for anyone to understand. No one knows what she’s going through.” He turned back to face her surprised to find her standing directly in front of him.
“What she’s been going through or what you’re going through?” His shoulder’s dropped noticeably as she spoke those words. “We all know why you married her you just need to figure out if you still want her and if you do why is it then that you keep pushing her away.”
James pushed passed her attempting to end the conversation by walking out, but she stopped him. “She doesn’t understand why you do things like this for her and then…” He turned and grabbed her by the arm before she could finish her sentence. “Do what for her?! The fact that I’m here because we’ve lost our son has nothing to do with our relationship. She’s not my wife Rebecca!”
Rebecca pulled away and turned picking up her purse and jacket off the sofa while she spoke. “She was your wife. I see her every day trying to convince herself that she isn’t anymore and yet every time the both of you are together you act as if you’re still married. Physically you haven’t seen her in months but mentally, emotionally you’ve both stayed together.” Pulling her coat on as she turned to face him again she spoke one last time. “When you both finally realize that love is what’s going on here you’ll both be better off. I’m just sorry that you both are making each other suffer in order to figure it out.”
With that she walked passed him and disappeared out the front door. James stood stiffly, his eyes closed as he listened to the echo of the front door closing. In the silence he imagined Bethany standing in front of him, her hand running over the side of his jaw. She leaned closer slowly to kiss him and his eyes shot open instantly. She wasn’t there… He looked towards the master bedroom. The doors were closed and he groaned miserably turning to press his forehead against the wall.
“Forget her… Forget her,” he whispered.

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I'm glad that you have found out how to post and everything. Ok, make sure that you double space between each paragraph, because it makes it a little easier to read. In other words, press enter twice between each paragraph as I am doing.

As for the story:

This is a good start. It got really confusing, so I will go over and read it once more. I think that you need to spend more time on developing your characters. From the start off, everyone seems quite bland. But that's all right. You still have more time to edit and write more. Right now, as the beginning, we are expected to be pulled into your story. Think of it like fishing. We, the readers, are fish. You cast your pole into the water with a good bait to attract us. What really lures us in is a great beginning.

You pulled it off quite well, actually. I was interested enough to read more, which is a very good thing. Great job on that!

I want to read more! You are a great author! Good job, but remember to make your characters distinct. If everyone sounds the same, looks the same, and acts the same, no one is memorable.

Well, again, great job, and welcome to YWS. If you ever need a critique, just PM me!

BBB

Thanks for the critique. I will definitely remember to space between paragraphs next time. As for my story this was kind of in the middle. I have the entire beginning written just not typed so I opted to put this part in. I'm glad you liked it and I will begin working on my characters more.

~Liavel~

Liavel wrote:James sat up quickly. He had been having a nightmare. Bethany laid next to him her arm still around his neck. James slid her arm away and looked down at her wrist. He kissed the scars their squeezing her hand as he moved off the bed. Bethany did little more than curl her fingers into her palm. He was glad she hadn’t opened her eyes; he was afraid she might remember again.

"Bethany laid" - Lay. "He kissed the cares their" - There. "remeber again" is a little odd, because you don't know what she is remembering exactly, a small reword might help that. Though I'mnot sure if it is just my reading it oddly.

Moving through the dark room James found himself in the kitchen waiting on a pot of coffee. James grimaced as he sipped from the mug on his way to the sitting room. He hated coffee; he could’ve used a stiff drink, but he couldn’t help remembering Bethany’s dislike towards his drinking. Seating himself in the large chair near the fireplace he jumped slightly realizing that Rebecca was sleeping on the couch across the room. He hadn’t realized that she had stayed. Standing to leave he stopped himself when Rebecca spoke.

You repeat "realised" it sounds odd. Perhapps if you rearranged it, perhaps : "he jumped, not having relaised Rebecca had stayed and was asleep on the couch opposite him" - just a suggestion.

“I haven’t fallen asleep yet.” Rebecca sat up running her hands through her hair. “Is she…”

James fell back into his chair the emotionally straining events finally taking their complete hold on him.

“I don’t know how things are going to turn out from here. I don’t know if she’ll make it through this.”

Rebecca stood and walked over to James. She took a seat on top of the coffee table in front of him and smiled when he looked up at her.

“Now that’s more than I’ve heard you speak the entire time I’ve known you.”

"Now that's" - Now, thats

James opened his mouth to speak but was stopped when Rebecca took the mug from his hand.

“Do you mind? I need a little waker-upper myself.” He continued to be speechless as she took a long sip from his cup. When she placed it back in his hand they both sat still.

James slid his hand over hers and barely took notice of his fingers wrapping themselves around her wrist. They searched for something that wasn’t there. Rebecca looked down and James pulled back. His eyes trailed away from her and moved along the expanse of the room finally resting on the double doors leading to the master bedroom. Rebecca fallowed his gaze and smiled to herself.

“You really do love her don’t you?” He turned back to her at the sound of her voice and focused on the last few words that came from her lips.

“Love her? Is there something you think you know about our relationship? Do you think you know what’s going on here?”

Made into one sentance.

Rebecca sat back and stared into his eyes a blank expression on her face. “Is there something I should know about,” she said finally lifting an eyebrow. James shrugged, stood up, and turned around setting his coffee cup on the mantel.

“This relationship is too complicated for anyone to understand. No one knows what she’s going through.” He turned back to face her surprised to find her standing directly in front of him.

“What she’s been going through or what you’re going through?” His shoulder’s dropped noticeably as she spoke those words. “We all know why you married her you just need to figure out if you still want her and if you do why is it then that you keep pushing her away.”

James pushed passed her attempting to end the conversation by walking out, but she stopped him. “She doesn’t understand why you do things like this for her and then…” He turned and grabbed her by the arm before she could finish her sentence.

“Do what for her?! The fact that I’m here because we’ve lost our son has nothing to do with our relationship. She’s not my wife Rebecca!”

Rebecca pulled away and turned picking up her purse and jacket off the sofa while she spoke. “She was your wife. I see her every day trying to convince herself that she isn’t anymore and yet every time the both of you are together you act as if you’re still married. Physically you haven’t seen her in months but mentally, emotionally you’ve both stayed together.” Pulling her coat on as she turned to face him again she spoke one last time. “When you both finally realize that love is what’s going on here you’ll both be better off. I’m just sorry that you both are making each other suffer in order to figure it out.”

With that she walked passed him and disappeared out the front door. James stood stiffly, his eyes closed as he listened to the echo of the front door closing. In the silence he imagined Bethany standing in front of him, her hand running over the side of his jaw. She leaned closer slowly to kiss him and his eyes shot open instantly. She wasn’t there… He looked towards the master bedroom. The doors were closed and he groaned miserably turning to press his forehead against the wall.

“Forget her… Forget her,” he whispered.

Fistly, paragraphs are important. Perhaps even more important is seperating them in a way that makes them easier to read. As you can see a simple line makes it that much clearer.

You use names a lot. You don't need to repeat "James" so often, at all. Neither with Rebecca. Making reference to Bethany is okay because she is not the one talking at all.

I like the take on the concept, and I did enjoy how the story progressed. Though I feel as though this lacks a deinite ending.

Good work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.