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Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:51 pm
Someangel69 says...



Prologue

Alec kicked open the front door and walked through cautiously. Everything is turned over and papers where everywhere, but no sign that anyone had been there. Continuing into the back room with his guns up ready to kill, Alec barely missed being shot as bullets whizzed past his head. He ducked and rolled behind a tipped table. He peeked out from behind the table to have three more shots fired at him. He ducked back behind it in time to have wood splinters fly pass the top of the table. He surveyed the area to try and attack, and finds a couple of crates near by. Alec toke a deep breath and made a run for it. Three more shots had been fired at him. He tripped and tumbled to the crates just as a bullet grazed his left arm. As he leaned up against the crates with his tall muscular torso he felt his arm where the damage was. He looked around once more to check the area. Alec stood up and fired three shots. He ducked down in time for two more bullets to graze by the top of his head. One of the men in the building rushed to the crates where one of the fallen comrades lay dead. Alec toke this opportunity to shot another shot in the same direction and killed the other man. The third one saw this and shot at Alec again. As Alec dodged behind a near by table the man ducked down too. Alec peeked out and received ninja stars hurled towards him. At that moment Alec ducked and pulled up his left side sleeve. On his arm he has a long black outline of a dragon. Putting two fingers on this would bring forth dark powers concealed in the dark of night. He concentrated on the dragon. Alec received a flash of bright light and a rapier. His eyes flashed black as he turned out from behind the crate. The man disappeared from sight.

Three Years later

It’s spring and the rain keeps falling. Today is another busy day and the streets are packed in New York. It’s almost Angels’ birthday. Angel is a young woman around the age of 25. She has medium multi leveled brown hair with blonde highlights. She is five feet sex inches and weighs 120lbs. She lives five blocks away from Pete’s Restaurant where she has worked for five years. She’s a block away from work when decides to stop for a quick cup of coffee. She went into the busy store and when leaving she bumped into a group of business people and spilled her coffee. A few of the business people turned to grumble something at her.

“Excuse you!” Angel says as she gathers the cup and lid from the sidewalk.

They slowly walk away, muttering quietly under their breath. Angel looked up into a set of beautiful pale green eyes framed by his medium short black hair turning towards her. He continues to walk with his group. Angel looks at her watch and realizes what time it is. Oh no I’m late! Pete will be so mad! She hurries down the block. I’m late again, she thinks to herself. I can’t ever seem to leave early enough. She opens the front door to Pete’s Seafood delights. She rushes past a line full of costumers and head towards the back, of the restaurant, bumping into Pete as she reaches for the back door. He is five feet eleven inches and 305lbs, very overweight. He owns his restaurant with his wife. She owns her own hair shop down the street. He is 39 years old with blue eyes and short brown hair. He has a small amount of chin hair life an after shave affect. He has known Angel since she’s been 13 years old.

“Your late again Angel!” Pete says in annoyed anger tone.

“I know Mr. Robinson,” Angel replies in a worn out tone as rushes past him to her locker. As she opens the door, her boss walks up and shuts it.

“If you are late again I’ll have to let you go,” Pete says depressingly.

She opens her locker again and grabs her apron. “Yes, sir,” She ties it around her waist and shuts her locker slamming it slightly. “I promise it won’t happen again.”

“That’s what you said last time. Just make sure you get here on time; I really don’t want to fire you,” He walks over to the kitchen. “I mean it Angel!”

She rushes out of the locker room and behind the counter, grabbing a book of checks and a pencil. Angel walks away from the counter towards table one.

“Hello sir, what can I get for you today?”

“A coke please, ma’am,” he looks up with those beautiful pale green eyes and smiles at her, “And no need to rush.”

She's seen those eyes, and that smile is to die for. He could melt ice with one glance! What is he six feet tall? What am I saying? As she turns to walk away, Angel she trips on the rug. The gentleman leaps from his seat and catches her before she hits the floor.

“Are you okay?” He’s on his knees’, holding Angel off the ground.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you for catching me. I’m so sorry to have bothered you.”

“As long as you are okay I think I can get over it,” he says as he laughs. “What’s your name?” He asks with a heart catching smirk.

“Angel…Angel Burkett.” You forgot your name tag again didn’t you?

“What a beautiful name.” He says as he smiles down at her.

Angel clears her throat. “If it’s not too much to ask kind sir, what’s your name?”

“Alec, Alec Brainsten at your service.”

“Well thank you Mr. Brainsten,” she announces, smiling at him.

“Angel! Don’t you have a job to do?” Pete yells from the kitchen window.

“Yes sir.” She gets up while her face starts to turn a bright shade of red.

“Sorry if I got you into trouble.” He says as he helps Angel up.

“No it’s fine,” she smiles at him as she brushes herself off and turns to walk away. Angel feels a hand on her arm. She turns to see Alec slowly moving towards her holding a flower he grabbed from the table.

“Till the next time we meet,” Alec hands Angel the flower then sits back down with his group.

“Angel! Can I talk to you in the back please?” Mr. Robinson says as he pokes his head out from the locker room.

“Yes sir. Coming sir,” Angel rushes off to the back room. She walks in to see Mr. Robinson standing in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips. Angel notices she has a smile on her face. Pete points to a chair and shoots an angry look at Angel. Her smile fades as she sits down.

“Angel, I hate to tell you this, but it needs to be said,” He sat down next to her. “I’m sorry but. . ,”

“Before you speak sir, I just want you to know something,” Angel pleads.

“And what’s that Ms. Burkett?” Pete asks.

“Well sir, I don’t know what you saw, but I can promise you I was working the whole time,” Angel says in a stressed tone.

“Well Ms. Burkett I can’t take that chance.”

“Please, sir, don’t do this,” Angel says, tears stinging her eyes. “I really need this job.”

“Ms. Burkett I can’t have you falling on customers and flirting with them. I have to let you go,” Pete says as he stands up. He walks over to the kitchen door, stops there, and turns around. “Ms. Burkett, it’s not just that. You need to advance; you can’t stay here forever. This job no, this place is holding you back. I should have let you go a while ago,” Pete looks away for a few minutes. After regaining himself a little he turns back with tears running the length of his cheek. “We will all miss you. You will always be welcomed, but you need to move on with your life. Ever since your parents . . ,” he steps closer, “ever since they passed away.” He takes another step closer and holds his arms out to embrace her.

Angel starts crying. “I don’t know what to do anymore. My parents wanted me to follow my dreams and get out in the world. When they died in that car accident, I didn’t know what to do. I never really moved on. That’s when I came here, to my family. I never . . . I never . . .” She goes to Pete’s open arms. “Thank you Pete,” she manages to gasp between streams of tears. He holds her tight for a few minutes, stepping back he pushes her away enough to see her face.

“Ok, now go. Do what you want, Angel; it’s your life,” looks her in the eyes and hugs her one more time.

“Thank you Pete; I will,” she kisses him on the cheek and goes to her locker, packing all her things up and locks her locker for the last time. Pete leaves through the kitchen door while she finishes packing.

I wonder where Alec is. Maybe he’s still here? She walks out of the locker room for the last time. She looks over the restaurant as she leaves and sees no trace of Alec. She slowly begins to walk down the few blocks to her apartment in deep thought.

“Hey pretty Angel! Wait up!” A voice from behind said.

She turns around expecting a horny, annoying little boy with a sad excuse of a pick up line under his belt. To her surprise, it is Alec. She notices him running to catch up with her and she can’t help but smile.

“I don’t know if I can do such a thing, kind sir,” she says laughing.

“I hope I didn’t cause any trouble back there,” he stands next to her panting. “I was hoping I would catch you before you left.”

“Well, looks like you caught me now,” She says with a smirk.

“Do you mind if I walk with you?”

“Not at all Mr. Brainsten, if you can keep up with me,” she says teasingly.

“I’m sorry if I caused trouble with your boss,” Alec says with a worried tone.

“Don’t worry about it; I was fired and now I’m free. I should thank you actually.” She stops and turns to him, hand stretched out as a joke. Alec grabs her hand and walks again.
“You have my hand! May I get my hand back?”

“No. You offered it to me, and I would like to walk you home,” he says with a wild smile. Her face turns bright red. They walk a block and learn basic things about each other as they continue to talk. Angel decides to take a short cut threw an alley nearby. They only walk halfway down the alley before a garbage can is knocked down and a black cat runs in front of them. They both jump and Angel laughs.

“You should have seen you jump,” Angel said.

Suddenly, three men in black clothes walk out from behind a garbage can in front of them. Angel stops laughing and looks between Alec and them.

“Excuse me; did you happen to see a black cat run by?” The tallest of the three men asks. This man is about six feet seven inches. He is dressed completely in black; even the hat that seems to cover most of his face is black. “I hope she didn’t scare you?”

“Not me, but of course he jumped,” Angel says in a shaky tone.

“That cat belongs to our mother who is ill in bed. She says that the cat is one of the only things that make her feel better,” the smallest guy says. He is dressed in the same black clothes but his hat doesn’t cover as much. She can see the outline of his face, and can tell that these men work hard on their bodies and their faces by working out. He is clean shaved and has a square shaped jaw. Angel can’t seem to see the true color of his eyes, but can tell they are dark.

“Well the cat went that way,” she points at a near by garbage bin on the left side of the alley.

While Angel stands almost right behind Alec, she notices that these men seem to have left a bag sitting on the ground near the garbage can that they came out from behind moments before. She thinks of what they might truly be there for but is too jumpy and stressed out to think straight. Alec seems to know something; he hasn’t moved at all since they came out.

Angel whispers to Alec, “What’s wrong?”

“I have seen these people before. They are not the kind of people that you would like to see again.” He answered with a barely heard tone.

Angel looked over to the other guy. He was the second tallest and he looked the meanest. You could see his eyes clearly, and that’s what scared her the most. They were a dark brown and they looked like narrow slits. He never seems to take his eyes off her since they came out from behind the garbage can. She went to move and noticed that the bag was slightly open and a gun was sitting in it. She refrained from moving after that. She went back to Alec’s side to whisper in his ear.

“Excuse me, but I think we need to hurry this up boys.” He bent down and grabbed his bag.

Alec and two of the men moved at the same time. They ran towards each other with great speed. Alec pulled out a rapier and they pulled out pocket knifes and they clashed together. They had him out numbered and distracted. While the boys fight Angel stood and watched. However, the last of the three crept up behind her. Alec turned his head back to see Angel.

“Angel watch out!!”

Angel turned to her attacker. He had a pocket knife and was advancing on her.

“Don’t worry little Angel I’m here to guide you.” He announced while trying to grab her. She ducked in time to allow him to fall to the ground.

“I don’t think so dude,” Angel said sarcastically. Angel looks around to see where Alec was but noticed a van instead. A white van pulled in front of the entrance of the alley.

“Angel?! Where are you?” Alec yelled in a scared tone.

“Alec we’re trap!!” Angel yelled back in a panic tone.

Alec came out from behind a garbage can with the other two men. Alec is bleeding from the mouth and the other two men are slowly walks forward. While Alec is blocking the man the taller one kicks him in the side. Alec punches one of the men, leaving his side exposed to the other. Alec punches the taller one hard enough to the point he collapses to the ground. In return from the exposed side he receives a kick again and buckles from the impact.

Angel runs to the van. However, the man on the ground near her grabs her legs and she tumbles to the ground. She stumbles up to meet him face to face. He swings a punch at her. Angel dodges it and rolls to the alley wall. She searches for something that could aid her in the fight, but found no such luck. Turning to face her attacker she glanced at Alec. She notices him on the ground.

“Alec are. . .” Angel yells as she advances towards Alec.

As she toke a few steps the man got up and pulled out a rope. He advances on Angel and kicks her in the side. As she collapses to the ground he jumped on top of her and held your down. As she struggles and weakens as he smiles wickedly. He turned to one of the men and nods before he chokes her till she passes out. Grabbing the rope from the van he heard a deep scream. Turning to see Alec breaking the taller mans’ arm. Hastening the puts Angel the van and runs to aid his comrades.

Alec has managed to get himself down to one on one fighting. Alec didn’t even notice the van sitting there or that Angel has been taken. Fighting the smallest man was in progress when Alec realizes that Angel is missing. He turns to look for her when the medium guy punches him in the face and knocks him out.
Last edited by Someangel69 on Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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121 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1683
Reviews: 121
Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:06 pm
little.angelfire says...



yay, I get to tear your story to shreds ^.^ (jk jk. I'll try and be gentle since it's your fisrt time....hehe...inuendos...)

Anyways, I must say that the first thing you need to do when posting, is space each paragraph. Right now this is torture on the eyes. You might be able to get more critiques by spacing out the paragrphs. This doesn't allow tabs and you probly didn't know that since it's your first story posting. Anyways, carrying on to the crit.

I don't like pointing out grammar and spelling, and I'm sure someone else will take care of pointing them out to you, so I'll just move on to the actual story.

You have a very interesting style of writing, I must say. Which is why it's such a shame that the first paragraph is so....I don't know how to explain it....it's so, "She this" and "She that" Maybe is it's just because of the person view, but I suggest trying to come up with other words. Could you introduce what she looks like gradually and throughout the play. Maybe while she's looking in a mirror, or while she's having an intimate moment or something (which I'm guessing there will be some of since it's a romance) And then when you desribe her, really go into detail. Get some describing skills going and get some good adjectives in there. Romances are all about the details. When you continue with the story, tell about her physical flaws, tell about her perfect features.

I can't say much more since I've gotta head out to school, but I'll finish the critique when I get to a computer again. Don't worry about that.

I leave you with saying to always remember to check over your work before you post it! You've got some simple errors that will be easily found with a quick read-through. Do it. It sucks, but then it makes you seem like a better writer in the end ^.^

--meow
Climb inside my belly button beanbag plastic world!
  





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121 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1683
Reviews: 121
Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:12 pm
little.angelfire says...



“ANGEL! Don’t you have a job to do?” Pete yells from the kitchen window."
One thing I had to point out is to never use caps in a story. (Yes, I'm back to critiquing your story now ^.^). Instead, use Italics, or the exclamation point should do the trick.

“We will all miss you. You will always be welcomed, but you need to move on with your life. Ever since your parents . . ,” he steps closer, “ever since they passed away.” He takes another step closer and holds his arms out to embrace her.
Angel starts crying. “I don’t know what to do anymore. My parents wanted me to follow my dreams and get out in the world. When they died in that car accident, I didn’t know what to do. I never really moved on. That’s when I came here, to my family. I never . . . I never . . .” She goes to Pete’s open arms. “Thank you Pete,” she manages to gasp between streams of tears. He holds her tight for a few minutes, stepping back he pushes her away enough to see her face."

This actually seems a bit like an info dump. Your conversations don't seem very natural, and I've noticed that throughout most of the piece. It's not easy to get your conversations to sound natural, and they're certainly not terrible or anything, they just could flow a bit better. (That's your assignment, Better your convo's ^.~)

Over all, I'd like to say it's not something I would normally read (not much of a romance person, myself...) but I do find your writing style interesting. I think you should work on adding more detail, and trying to better the flow of your story to make it sound more natural.

Just pester me if you want another critique on the second chapter or whatever. And rember to SPACE OUT THE PARAGRAPHS!! (I hope you saw that ^.~)

--meow

(there now, I was gentle for your first time...right? Yes. Okay ^.^)
Climb inside my belly button beanbag plastic world!
  








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