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We Knew it Was Going to Happen



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Mon Nov 19, 2007 2:14 pm
Cat says...



This is the first part of a three installment peice. There is the dumper/dumpee/together forever. This is the dumper part! Enjoy!
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The blonde took a step out of her black BMW, pushing a hand through her thick hair while taking off her big Aviader sunglasses. She was wearing her cheerleading uniform, because it was game day for the small town school, Argyle.
“Beckie!” Mandy yelled from across the parking lot. “We need to talk!”
Beckie sighed, and slammed her door. She knew this conversation was going to happen sometime. They met a little less than halfway, and Mandy grabbed her arm, dragging Beckie back to her silver Porsche.
“Honey, as your BFF, I need to tell you that, you need to dump him. He looks kinda cute in a ‘Forrest’ from Hellogoodbye-geeky sort of way, but he is putting a damper on your social status! Lose him, before her drags you under with him.” Mandy acted like this was the most important advice she had ever given me. I was fighting a yawn.
“I really like him though,” I fought, half heartedly.
“We have to all make sacrifices for our popularity. This might be your’s. Ross Slough is single, I think he likes you. He checks you out every day,” She said, shifting over to the consol so we were eye to eye, extremely close. She was just thinking that a guy checking me out was basically him asking me into bed. I was tired of that.
“Mandy, not everything is about sex. You know that right?”
She made a confused face before responding, “Your only saying that because you and the dweeb Austin haven’t had it yet.” She promptly got out of the car, slamming the door. She followed Mandy with her eyes, seeing that she went up to her boyfriend, and didn’t even greet him before sticking her tongue down her throat.. I wanted to punch her, but took a few deep breaths before getting out to find Austin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Austin! There you are!” She said, running up to her super tall boyfriend. He was tall, [six foot two] with brown hair, and blue eyes. He earned the title of dweeb because he played sax in the band. Sure, it was extremely dork-ish, but he was hot. The big eyes were what made him great. Big, blue eyes. He was standing next to the lockers, and he seemed to match them. It was wonderful, something right out of Pretty in Pink, just she was the rich and popular one and much better looking than Molly Reingwald.
She had gone shopping with him, and she helped him with American Eagle and Hollister clothes. He was totally into JCPenny before, but now she had him wearing A.E. and Hollister, he didn’t look half bad.
“Hey!” He said, stuffing the rest of his books back into his locker. Beckie smiled half-heartedly, trotting the rest of the way between them, then hugging him. They did that rocking from one foot to another thing, while she breathed in the comforting aroma of non-popularity. She loved the way he made her feel like she didn’t have to be perfect, or beautiful, just herself.
“Honey, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies tonight. It’s a Friday night, so I have Football, but I can totally skip.” She smiled, kissing his cheek, still in his embrace.
“You guys know the three second hug rule! No kissing!” A hall moderator yelled, waggling a finger at them. Beckie smiled, while Austin pulled away and held her hand. She sometimes hated that he followed the rules.
“Yes sir.” Austin said, putting on a serious face. Beckie made a gagging noise.
The hall moderator walked away, and she faced him again. “I don’t think that you should breeze off your commitments. Plus, I have to be at the game too. I’m in the band.” Austin explained, as if she didn’t already know.
“Can’t you skip band?” Beckie asked, pouting a little.
“Don’t pout. You look so sexy when you pout.” Austin said. Beckie gasped a little.
“Did Austin just say ‘sexy’?” She laughed, trying to change the subject.
“Okay, don’t avoid the subject. I can go to the movies on Saturday. We can have the whole day to ourselves. Minus the morning because I have Band practice, and you probably want to sleep in.”
“Do you always have to be responsible?” She asked, joking around. Austin was about to answer when the bell rang, and she kissed his cheek, running off to class.

________________________________

“I saw Beckie with Austin this morning.” Nicky said his name as if it were poison. They were gossiping in the Library, a thing they did often.
“She really needs to dump him. He is so nerdy. I mean, the band.” Mandy said as if the band were not something that got more state championships than all the athletic teams put together.
“I think she should go with him for prom, along with someone else and dump him there. It would teach him not to date people above him.” Emma said, leaning over to table to grab Nicky’s backpack and get her math homework out, which she hadn’t done. Nicky didn’t seem to care.
“Shhh. There she is.” Mandy said as Beckie came up to the small table.
“Hiya guys! Great day, huh?” Beckie could tell they had been talking about her.
“Just wonderful, huh Emma?” Mandy said in a false happy voice. Emma only smiled in response, pretending to concentrate on homework.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mom, I don’t know what to do. He is so sweet, and for the rules, and everything. But my friends are being totally rude towards the subject.” Beckie moaned getting ready for the pre-game party in her closet, sticking her head out to talk to her mom.
“Honey, he was so sweet when I met him, but how do you know that your friends see him in a way you don’t. Love can blind, so maybe there is something terrible about him that you can’t see, and your friends can.” Her mom offered, holding up a pretty neckless that went with her jeans and shirt. She was slouched Beckie’s bed.
“I don’t know.” She said, in a way that was head to tell if she was talking about her outfit, or Austin.
“That’s all I can tell you. Why don’t you and your friends sit down and talk about it?” Her mom said, giving up with the necklaces, and reaching for a magazine on Beckie’s night stand.

_____________________________________________

“Hey you! I’m glad you came! Someone is here for you!” Mandy said, opening the door to her home for Beckie.
“Yeah? Well, I need to talk to you guys. I think we need to talk out the whole Austin issue.” Beckie offered, but was cut off by Blair, opening the door just far enough so she could stand perched next to the door.
“Honey, he is totally fine!” Blair said, half drunk.
“I know! Austin is totally great!” Beckie said excitedly. Happy someone finally agreed with her about Austin, she was already walking fast up to the door, only to be stopped mid step by Mandy.
“No, Ross Slough! He is in there waiting for you!” Mandy said, pulling Beckie into the house.
“Well, I’m kinda dating Austin.” Beckie said, looking back at the door, wishing she didn’t come.
“Yeah, well you always cheated before. Why stop now?” Blair said, pushing her through the living room door, and into Ross. Beckie was out of air for a minute from the impact of the hit.
“Heyy!” Ross greeted, totally wasted. He grabbed her hand, and pulled her closer. She struggled against him, but looked back at her friends, totally happy and smiling at her, hoping she would go for him, and she folded under pressure. She started to make-out fully with the drunk Ross. She saw nothing else in her brain than Ross, and she tunnel-visioned to his face, Austin didn’t even cross her mind, just her friend faces’ if she didn’t act happy with Ross.

_____________________________________________________

“Hey, Austin!........No, it’s Blair....Yeah! One of her friends.....okay, yeah well, she wanted you to come to the pre-game party......yeah, well she wanted me to tell you as a way of showing we accept you.....Yeah! So, come on over! We are at Mandy’s house.....Yeah, just down the street! 1200 Frenchtown!” Blair was totally convincing, holding a telephone, reciting from a script. Everyone was restraining themselves from laughing at their great new prank to end all this Austin mess.


Ring Ring

“Hey Austin. Okay, it was a surprise that we invited you,” Mandy greeted in a whisper, opening the door only enough for her face to peek out.
“Oh. I thought she knew.” He said with a confused face, standing outside in an awkward way like ‘Am I really still invited?’ way.
“We thought you wouldn’t come other wise.” Mandy explained, placing her finger over her mouth in the universal ‘shhh’ sign, opening the door a little wider, for him to come in.
They walked to the door in front of the living room, and counted down from three, before pushing the door open, while pushing him in too.


“Austin!” Beckie said, jumping off of her comfortable position with Ross on the living room couch.


Austin just ran out, slamming the door behind him. He jogged home. As he jogged, he kept telling himself, “I knew it was going to happen...”



Beckie watched him run, not wanting to run after him, knowing she had just totally messed things up with him. She let tears fall, falling against the door frame, telling herself, “I knew it was going to happen.”



“We finally made it happen!” Mandy, Blair, and Nicky said excitedly, toasting with their red plastic cups, filled with mixed liquors in the kitchen of Mandy’s house, letting Ross have some too for her job well done.
Last edited by Cat on Wed Nov 21, 2007 12:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:40 pm
Rydia says...



In general, I liked this but I think some of your dialogue could be improved and there are parts that are awkward or where the grammar is a little out. Here's some specific suggestions first -

He looks kinda cute in [s]the[/s] a 'Forrest' from Hellogoodbye-geeky sort of way, but he is putting a damper on your social status! Lose him, before he[s]r[/s] drags you under with him.”

This might be your’s. [No need for the apostrophe.]

He checks you out every day.” [Should be a comma rather than a period and then a small letter for she. You do this with almost all your speech so maybe read through and keep an eye out for it.] She said, thinking that a guy checking me out was basically him asking me into bed.

She promptly got out of the car, slamming the door, and finding her boyfriend, and started to make-out with him. [This is very awkward. Maybe 'She promptly got out of the car, slammed the door and located her boyfriend at which point they started to make-out' would be smoother.]

He was tall, [6'2'’] [Write this as six foot two.] with brown hair, and blue eyes. He [s]got[/s] earned the title of dweeb [s]sense[/s] since [color=red][Though I think because would fit better.] he played sax in the band.

“You guys know the [s]3[/s] three second hug rule! No kissing!”

Beckie smiled, while Austin [s]pushing away[/s] pulled away and held her hand.

Austin explained, as if I [Should be she because you're writing in third person at this point though you might want to keep it that way throughout because the tense change is unecessary and confusing.] didn’t already know.

Minus [s]in[/s] the morning because I have Band practice, and you probably want to sleep in.”

“I saw Beckie with him this morning.” Nicky said his name as if it were poison. [But she hasn't mentioned his name...]

“I think she should go to him [Maybe with him would be better?] for prom, along with someone else and dump him there. It would teach him not to date people above him.” Emma said.

But my friends are being totally rude towards the subject.” Beckie asked [Maybe moaned would work better than asked.] getting ready for the pre-game party.

__________________________

Overall, I think this piece would benefit from more description, for example saying that they started to 'make-out' is very colloquial and plain. You could actually describe it visually which would be better. And I think you need some room description. At the moment, it's impossible to know where your characters are because you barely mention any scenery.

Plot wise it's not bad though a little predictable so maybe consider having a twist? And generally I think it will be good if you work on the dialogue a bit more and expand it, add more characterization. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

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Wed Nov 21, 2007 12:33 am
Cat says...



Thanks Heather! I suck at dialogue..... :] But, yeah more imagery....and charachterization...and this was suppoed to be the classic break up. I wanted it to be a little prodictable, but I'm guessing that turned off readers? Oh well, I'm fixing things as we speak!
Cat
"The only real philosphy to live your life by, should be your own."
--Cat
"Trying to change me would be like trying to make an anorexic eat; useless and end the end, they are bolemic."
--Cat
  





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Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:44 pm
abbisnail says...



hmmm. i wasn't crazy about it. there were a lot of grammar mistakes so you might want to go through and proofread and the story line left a little bit to be desired. i don't know, i guess it was just a little too "tweeny-bopper novel" for me.
~abby~
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