z

Young Writers Society


i need a title for this



User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:49 am
babyspice17 says...



Tyson and Karlie had been friends for three years. They met at an adult dance through some friends. They both liked each other but wouldn’t admit it. They flirted all the time, her teasing him and him tickling her. They had a lot of fun together no matter what they were doing.
Finally after the three years of knowing each other, Tyson asked Karlie out. She groaned jokingly and said, “I guess,” but inside she was dancing with joy.
They had a fun date. He was elated with happiness because when he walked Karlie to her door, she bit her lip nervously for a second. She stood on her toes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before running into her house.
Tyson waited a week and then called her. He asked her out for the following Friday night. She jokingly said, “Oh I don’t know if I can turn down the other four guys that asked me out. I guess they’ll get over it.”
Tyson had won concert tickets to one of Karlie’s favorite singers. She didn’t know that though. Friday night he picked her up and took her to dinner. After that they got to the arena where the concert was. When they got inside and she saw the she screamed. She threw her arms around Tyson’s neck. Right after what she realized what she did, she stepped back embarrassed. Tyson smiled and grabbed Karlie’s hand. “C’mon, let’s find our seats.”
They had a great time there and enjoyed each others company. When they got in the truck to go home she started out in the passenger seat but he reached over, unbuckled her, and pulled her to the middle. He fastened her seatbelt and draped one arm around her shoulders. She smiled up at him and snuggled as close to his side as she could. She was asleep in about five minutes.
Tyson was feeling happy to be next to Karlie as he drove even though she was asleep. He was on the highway and saw an intersection ahead. He knew he didn’t have a stop sign. He saw a semi’s headlights on the right of the intersection but figured it would stop since he had a stop sign. When Tyson was going through the intersection he saw the semi’s lights coming fast towards him. He yelled and let go of the steering wheel so he could try to protect Karlie’s body with his. The last thing he heard was the sickening thud of being crushed and glass shattering.
Tyson woke up in the ambulance. He immediately sat up and looked around frantically. “Where is she? Where’s Karlie?”
The EMT told him she was in a different ambulance and to lay down. Tyson did as he was told but was worried. They got to the hospital and put the stretcher on the ground. Tyson jumped down from it. The EMT looked at him desperately. “Sir, get back on the stretcher before we have to strap you down.” He obediently got back on the stretcher.
They checked him out but could find nothing seriously wrong. They were keeping him overnight just in case. When he asked if Karlie was okay, they just told him she was in critical condition and nothing more. The nurse gave him some medication and he soon fell asleep. The next day he woke up and changed out of the gown that they made him wear. After he checked himself out, he went up to the fourth floor where the ICU was. When he asked what room she was in, they wouldn’t tell him because he wasn’t family. He waited until the nurses switched shifts and then told the new one that he was her brother. They told him that he could only stay for a few minutes, and then gave him the room number.
When Tyson saw Karlie, he almost broke down. She was hooked up to all kinds of machines and had a bandage around her head. Her right arm and leg were broken and in casts and she had cuts and bruises all over. Tyson fell to his knees. “Oh God what have I done? How did this happen?” He left soon after and went home
The next day he went to the hospital as soon as he showered. He was sore from the crash but had painkillers to dull the aches. When he got there he found out that she had been upped to serious condition. She was out of the ICU and in a regular room. When he got to that room, she was still hooked up to machines just not as many. The bandage around her head had been changed. She was still knocked out from anesthesia. Her face wasn’t as swollen as the day before but still puffy. He pulled a chair up to her bed and sat, holding her hand very gently. He stayed for an hour and then left and had to go home.
He went and visited her for a week before anything happened. He went in a week and two days after the crash and was holding her hand when her eyes opened drowsily. “Ty? What happened?”
He looked up. “You’re finally awake.”
Karlie looked at him confused. “Where am I? Why am I here? Why does everything hurt?”
“You’re in the hospital. We got in a car accident. I’ll see if I can get you some painkillers.”
“Ty, how’d we get in a car accident?”
“I’ll explain later. Be right back.” Tyson went and got the nurse. She gave Karlie painkillers that made her drowsy. She tried talking to Tyson but she could hardly keep her eyes open. “It’s okay baby, go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Karlie woke up two hours later. Tyson was asleep with her head on his tummy. She smiled and laid her hand on his hair softly. He stirred and then opened his eyes. When he saw Karlie was awake, he sat up immediately. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“That’s okay. You said you would be here and you are. Thank you. Now will you tell me what happened?”
“Okay. We were on the highway about to cross an intersection. I saw a semi on the right but he had a stop sign. We got there at the same time but he didn’t stop. He smashed into the side of us. If you hadn’t have been there in the middle, they said you would have died.”
“Oh,” her face crinkled in pain. “Ow, ow, ow.”
“Karlie, what is it? What hurts?
She was twisting and turning. “Everything.”
Tyson went and got the nurse who got the doctor. The doctor said, “We’re gonna knock her out for two more days. It will give her body a little more time to heal without her being in so much pain. Go home son. Get some rest.”
Tyson did go home and slept for most of the two days. He only got up to eat and to go to the bathroom. On the second day, he woke up late afternoon, showered, and went to the hospital.
When he got there, Karlie was awake. She was eating some unidentifiable hospital food. “Hey Ty. This stuff is nasty. You’re going to get me some real food later.”
Tyson smiled. “Okay. You feeling better?”
“Yes, very much so.”
They talked until the nurse came to help Karlie shower. Tyson excused himself so he could go get dinner. He went to McDonalds and got a very big assortment of stuff. When he came back, Karlie was back in her bed. She saw the bag and got excited. He pulled all of the stuff out of the bag and she got even happier. “Yum. I feel like I’m in heaven.
She ate until she was full and then Tyson ate what he wanted. He pulled out some ice cream sandwiches for dessert.
After that he sat by her bed holding her hand. “I’m so sorry Karlie. I almost killed you. It’s my fault you’re in so much pain.”
“Ty, some idiot drunk driver ran a stop sign. That’s not your fault. Actually, if you think about it, you saved me. Remember when you unbuckled me and pulled me close to you. I would’ve been killed if you hadn’t have done that. Don’t blame yourself.”
He nodded and felt peace inside. “I guess you’re right.”
Karlie moved to one side of the bed and patted the spot beside her. “Come here.”
He looked unsure. “I don’t want to hurt you. Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure. I want to be close to you.”
He climbed in beside her and put his arm around her. She turned on her side and laid on his shoulder with her hand laying on his chest. They talked about a lot of things. She told him that she had to get her hair cut because it was so matted with glass and blood. He told her that he didn’t have to go back to work for another two and a half weeks. Eventually they fell asleep together around midnight.
She got to go home a week later. Tyson was taking her home from the hospital when he made a detour. He dropped her off at a salon and told them to do whatever she wanted. He then went to her house and decorated it. After that he went back to the salon to pick her up. Karlie had gotten an A-line cut that framed her face very prettily. She had her make-up and nails done too. Tyson stared at her with a gaping jaw. “Oh my,” he said. “You’re look amazing. I mean, it’s not that you didn’t look pretty before. You did but uh-“
“Tyson, it’s okay. I understand,” Karlie laughed. “Go get me my wheelchair please.”
“Well if you don’t mind, I’ll just carry you. The cars not that far away and you weigh about nothing okay?”
She nodded reluctantly. The ladies in the beauty salon all went “Awww,” at the same time.
Tyson went over and picked her up. She was tense at first but then relaxed into him. He opened up the door to the car and set her gently in the seat. He leaned to kiss her cheek at the same time that she turned to ask him something. He accidentally kissed her on the lips, but then she kissed him back. When he pulled away she smiled up at him shyly. He winked at her and went to his side to get in.
They spend a lot of time together the next two weeks. Then Tyson had to go back to work but he still came to visit Karlie every night. One Friday night they were sitting on the couch talking. She told him that she was getting her casts removed the next Monday. He smiled at her. “Can I sign it?”
“Come on Ty. You’re almost 25 and you want to sign my cast?”
“Umm yeah. Now be a good girl and give me you’re arm.”
Karlie obediently gave him her arm. He took a long time and was very concentrated. She could tell he was trying to draw a picture but he wouldn’t let her see it at all. When he finished he used his large hand to cover the picture and words below it. She grabbed his hand and moved it. There was a picture of two stick figures holding hands. They were labeled Tyson and Karlie. Below them were the words, ‘Will You Marry Me?’
Karlie gasped and looked at Tyson. He had a ring in his palm. She said, “Do I have to put it on myself?”
They were married a year later. They had 5 kids, one girl and four boys and lived happily ever after.
"You put chocolate in your emergency pack?"

"A day without chocolate is an emergency."

-The Sweetest Gift
  





User avatar
125 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 125
Fri Nov 09, 2007 2:20 am
PerforatedxHearts says...



For some reason, this sounds like a Chicken Soup for the Soul story.

Which means it's not particularly good.

Okay, so if you're going for the real-life look, then you have to learn to elaborate. Right now, you're just telling us the story. You're the bossy and overconfident narrator who mostly takes over the story. That's not good.

Learn to spin the story like a web, drawing the listener in. Learn to take your time to let the reader know what the characters were feeling during the car wreck, on the dates, during the proposal. Let the reader become the characters, to be able to know what they're looking at, who they're talking to, etc, etc, etc. You're telling a story, but make it a good one.

Oh, and cut the "happily ever after". Please. Unless you're using it sarcastically.

Get back to me on this. I like happy endings, and I really want to help you make this story the best you can.
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Fri Nov 09, 2007 5:49 am
babyspice17 says...



k thanx for the advice. like i said. it was my first story. ill work on it.


oh and btw i was being sarcastic about the whole 'happily ever after'
"You put chocolate in your emergency pack?"

"A day without chocolate is an emergency."

-The Sweetest Gift
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:08 am
Snoink says...



Hehe, but I love Chicken Soup stories. <3

You have a very believable story working for you, and that's a very good thing! You just have to make it exciting. There are some events that happen in the story that, if you draw them out more, I'm sure the story will become a lot better. Like, when he visits her in the hospital, that's one of the more powerful scenes because at first he likes her and she likes him, etc., but the reader wonders if that's true love or not. And, because of the hospital, you know that Tyson really does love her, through sickness and in health, and it's just so touching! So you're definitely want to bring that out a lot more and make it much more emotional. :)

Yeah. So just have fun with it more. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
317 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 317
Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:47 am
Kim says...



you asked for a title for your story. so no critiques from me.
for you first time it is pretty good. you have a talent, it just takes time to perfect it.

so for a title.

A Beautiful Collision


hope this helps
kim
  





User avatar
10 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 10
Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:40 am
Liavel says...



Well first off I understand the trouble you might have with finding a title for your work. My titles usually don't come to me until I'm half way through a story. As for what you have written if you were going for a short story this may be a little too short as far as letting the story flow at a natural pace. This could make a good longer story if you let your characters respond and grow in a more realistic way. You have all the main ingredients for a story but you are missing the extra things that will make it a good one. Maybe you can consider this an outline and add to it as you work out the kinks.
Overall it still needs work but you'll get there especially if this is your first piece of work.
Good luck!
"He to whom God has given knowledge and the gift of speaking eloquently, Must not keep silent or conceal the gift, but he must willingly display it."
  





User avatar
48 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 48
Sat Nov 10, 2007 3:20 pm
abbisnail says...



this is pretty good for your first work but i think you could improve it. it's definitely in the draft stage (but that's ok). I like the story line a lot. it's wicked sweet. the only thing is, that's all it is. just a storyline. It's like reading a list of what happened as opposed to a story. my advice to you is to tie everything together. also, the story isn't very realistic. you might need to change the crash scenario. if Tyson had unbuckled, they both would have (most likely) died. i liked the "unidentifiable" hospital food =] keep working on it!!!
cross the wall? nobody crosses the wall!
-stardust
  





User avatar
35 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 439
Reviews: 35
Sun Nov 18, 2007 1:44 pm
HybridHead says...



Nice piece. A few careless spelling and grammar mistakes here and there though. This part of the story is kinda cliche.

Karlie moved to one side of the bed and patted the spot beside her. “Come here.”
He looked unsure. “I don’t want to hurt you. Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure. I want to be close to you.”

Sorry! And I don't really like this part too.

...and you weigh about nothing okay?”

Here's my explanation If it weren't for Karlie's understanding and forgiving nature, together with Tyson's concern over Karlie's life rather than being worried wether he'd be in trouble after that road accident, I'd assume that Karlie's another anorexic bimbo whose boyfriend is your typical high school jock/obnoxious heart throb. One word: SHALLOW. So, do play with your words carefully. Other than that, nice work.
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Mon Nov 19, 2007 5:48 am
Cat says...



The first comment was a meanie-weanie. But I love her icon... ^^ Anyway, I thought it did sound a little too cheesey, of course in my stories, at least one person usually dies. Like, I would have had both of them die, and the drunk driver! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!! So, yeah, thoughen-up the story, then make it more real. :]
cat
"The only real philosphy to live your life by, should be your own."
--Cat
"Trying to change me would be like trying to make an anorexic eat; useless and end the end, they are bolemic."
--Cat
  








I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat