Young Writers Society

This is my very first time trying to write.
I need your comments, Please be honest :]

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Teagan woke up to the buzzing sound of her alarm clock. Kicking her black sheets off her she stretched out, hitting her alarm clock off her night stand. It landed with a thud, than the buzzing stopped. Rolling over she took in a deep breath, soon feeling the soft tongue of her puppy on her cheek. Smiling, she sat up and sat there with her eyes closed. It was dark in her room, that way she could sleep in as long as she wanted, even though her brother had always woke her up in the morning. Feeling the bright light on her eye-lids she covered her eyes. “Get out!” Teagan yelled at her brother as he began laughing at her. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes she rested her hands on her black sheets. Looking up at her brother with her piercing green eyes, she had a pissed off look on her face. Her black hair that was medium length fell over her shoulder.

Standing up she stretched out, a little patch of her stomach showed as she did. Slipping on her Hello Kitty slippers on, she stumbled though the messy room, and past her brother to go let Clark, her puppy out. Watching as the little beagle walked along side of her she smiled softly. Stepping on to the stair case it creaked. Once in the kitchen she slid the door open and watched the puppy run out of the house.

Walking over do the coffee pot she dumped out the old coffee into the sink and rinsed out the dirty coffee pot. Beginning the new pot she took in a deep breath and glanced at the sliding glass doors. Sitting on one of the chairs she watched as the puppy ran around the yard.

Aleck, Teagan's brother, walked down the creaky steps and looked at her. “Good morning sunshine.” He said to her. He watched Teagan glare at him, but smiled back to the glare. Walking over to the glass door he let Clark in and watched as the puppy began to run around the house. Sitting down at the island in the kitchen, he looked up at Teagan. “Its noon, you should be up anyways.” Aleck said. Watching as Teagan shook her head and slipped off her chair to get the coffee cups.

Watching as she poured the coffee into the cups, Aleck reached over and grabbed his cup. Walking over to the counter where the sugar was, he poured some into his coffee and passed it on to his sister. Pulling out the creamer he poured it in to his coffee and put it back. “I have to go to work in two hours.” He heard Teagan say. Taking a sip of his coffee, an eye brow raised he nodded then watched as she ran up stairs. Soon hearing the water running and hitting the shower floor. He walked over to the couch and then turned on the TV. Slowly, he fell asleep.

Aleck woke with a jolt, hearing the door slam and a car starting. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and walked to the door, watching as Teagan drove off. Walking up the steps he rubbed his hair to mess it up. Walking into his own bathroom he started the shower and got in him self.

this is going to be a great story , there are a few grammar errors, but it is the first time you have written, so that is normal, trust me on this. i really love this, let me know when you post ch 2.
keep going.

kim

for your first time, you did very well.

there need to be more love stories, make the world a better place.

will be lookiing for the next chapter.

I am really impressed that this is your first story, you have a way of describing things that make me feel I am there. I could tell you of your grammar errors, but won't. You just continue writing from your heart and enjoy yourself. The rest can come later. You have talent girl.

Hummingbird

This isn't me being mean, it's just me being honest. You need a lot more than what you've got down.

Yes, you've got a few grammatical errors, and that's excusable, because for the most part, you seem to have a firm grasp of the language, and your writing (what I'm seeing) isn't half bad. However, this next part isn't very excusable: it's not that much of a story as it is a list.

There's very little here to concentrate on when all you're doing is describing actions. I felt like I was reading a required list of "What I Did Today" pushed to the extreme.

I hope the action or depth comes soon, because this is like a thin crust of a story, and to me it's not a very good introduction.

That being said, I don't mean that I don't like this. I'm sure it has potential, but you have to show the reader. You especially have to show the reader more than just actions. Simple actions and almost complete lack of thoughts or dialogue don't a story at all. It's stage direction involving only one line. That's hardly entertaning.

Of course, since this is your first time (something we've all had), I suppose this isn't bad. It wouldn't even be bad for a veteran penner, but it's not that good. Until you add some depth, thoughts, description, dialogue, and a plot, this story will be pretty forgettable.

I thought this was pretty good for your first time. I understand how it feels when you first start out. This is a little short to be a chapter, but I'm sure that it will progress and grow as you edit and thicken it up. I think that you have a good start but it is lacking in some essential areas. From a writer to a writer don't forget to cut back on doing a play by play. There are some spots where the reader pretty much gets whats going on and doesn't need too much description from you as the writer. Give us some room to imagine what is going on when it comes to the nitty gritty. Besides that I hope that you will continue writing. Have fun!