Young Writers Society

i tip-toe up the stairs with a slight feeling of foreboding, just coming home from my soporific job as a British travel writer from holiday camp hell. all i need now is to slip between the sheets of my bed and say hello to my boyfriend properly(if you know what i mean). but there's a strange presence in the house, possibly its my feminine intuition or maybe its the sight of 2 glasses of what looks like my poullie fume i was saving for a special occasion. either way it doesn't bode well for my state of mind. i carry on up the stairs, being wary of the second from the top that squeaks, and on across the landing to our bedroom. my hearts hammering in my chest and i don't know if i want to walk in, it could walk away and get a cup of tea then wait for the fornicators to come down,but i don't instead i turn the door knob and step into the room and look down at the romp below me. Alex's bottom is pounding up and down in an accompaniment to the groans of the voluminous blonde below him, Alex is an actor and i haven't seen him perform that well for ages i stand there rooted to the spot unsure of how to react, briefly i have fantasized about this kind of thing happening, you know the kind; all those razor sharp one liners that could make an erect part of the anatomy shrivel back to where it belongs but in this case all those witty things swim out of my mind and i stand there while my boyfriend and his little slut are oblivious to a woman stood there thunderstruck, what happens then is my face crumples up to that of a bulldog and i begin a cacophony i dry sobs.
at this moment Alex stops pumping and looks around in shock, it could be almost comical if it wasn't in my life, what he does is grab the sheet that has been abandoned and wraps it around himself and who i recognize as my aerobics instructor (it has to be her doesn't it, she of the gravity defying tits) in a last minute attempt at modesty.
"it's not what it looks like !" shouts Alex
well if its not sex in its most carnal form then what is it? the said aerobics instructor covers her face and moans in a different way to what she was doing earlier, i can tell she thinks that that line is bad too.
"is it now...!"i mumble
i turn on my heel and stumble out, hiccuping and shoulders shaking like I'm having a fit. somehow i manage to get to car i cant see anything through the waterfall of tears. i rummage for the keys in my bag issuing an impressive stream of expletives from my mouth that's gone as dry as a ryvita.
i try to start the car and turn on the windscreen wipers instead, god i need those on my eyes. it takes me a while to realize I'm actually trying to put my keyring in into where the key should go.
i see in the mirror as I'm reversing Alex running out onto the street with the duvet wrapped around him. he runs to the car door and wrenches it open.
"Laura, this is madness, come back in the house and lets talk about it!" he pleads. i positively growl back at him and slam the door nearly taking off his fingers and then force my little old car to drive forward. i hear a flapping coming from outside the car and look in the mirror just in time to see the bottom of my now ex turning bright red before it's bastard of an owner sprints back into the house.

hope you like this...its going to be an ongoing thing when i get the time so it will be a romantic comedy on completion

hi carlotta
i like the sory. few spelling mistakes and a bit confusing at the end but a great read. hope he gets whats coming to him soon. look forward to reading the next part
callisto

lol...i know theres spelling mistakes but if i was really going to be a writer id have someone do it for me! so nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Your editor has arrived Jess... First I think you should up the rating to R rather than PG13. Here's some corrections and comments...

I tip-toe up the stairs with a slight feeling of foreboding, just coming home from my soporific job as a British travel writer from holiday camp hell. All I need now is to slip between the sheets of my bed and say hello to my boyfriend properly(if [You need a space between 'properly' and the start of the brackets.] you know what I mean). [Should be a comma or no punctuation mark.] but there's a strange presence in the house, possibly it's my feminine intuition or maybe it's the sight of [s]2[/s] two glasses of what looks like my poullie fume I was saving for a special occasion. Either way it doesn't bode well for my state of mind. I carry on up the stairs, being wary of the second from the top that squeaks, and on across the landing to our bedroom. My heart's hammering in my chest and I don't know if I want to walk in, [s]it[/s] I could walk away and get a cup of tea then wait for the fornicators to come down,but [Space between comma and but.] I don't. Instead I turn the door knob and step into the room and look down at the romp below me. Alex's bottom is pounding up and down in an accompaniment to the groans of the voluminous [You had to use the word didn't you?] blonde below him, [I think you should start a new sentence here.] Alex is an actor and I haven't seen him perform that well for ages. I stand there rooted to the spot unsure of how to react, briefly I have fantasized about this kind of thing happening, you know the kind; all those razor sharp one liners that could make an erect part of the anatomy shrivel back to where it belongs but in this case all those witty things swim out of my mind and I stand there while my boyfriend and his little slut are oblivious to a woman stood there thunderstruck, [Full stop and new sentence here.] What happens then is my face crumples up to that of a bulldog and I begin a cacophony [s]i[/s] of dry sobs.
At this moment Alex stops pumping and looks around in shock, it could be almost comical if it wasn't in my life, what he does is grab the sheet that has been abandoned and wraps it around himself and the woman who I recognize as my aerobics instructor (it has to be her doesn't it, she of the gravity defying tits) in a last minute attempt at modesty.
"It's not what it looks like !" shouts Alex. [No space before the exclamation mark and this sentence could be more original but I suppose you was being purposefully unoriginal so then it's okay. Lol. Just ignore me...]
Well if it's not sex in its most carnal form then what is it? [Is this supposed to be speech? If so it needs the speech marks.] The said aerobics instructor covers her face and moans in a different way to what she was doing earlier, I can tell she thinks that that line is bad too.
"Is it now...[s]![/s]"I mumble.
I turn on my heel and stumble out, hiccuping and my shoulders shaking like I'm having a fit. somehow I manage to get to the car. I can't see anything through the waterfall of tears. I rummage for the keys in my bag issuing an impressive stream of expletives from my mouth that's gone as dry as a ryvita.
I try to start the car and turn on the windscreen wipers instead, god I need those on my eyes. It takes me a while to realize I'm actually trying to put my keyring in [s]into[/s] where the key should go.
I see in the mirror as I'm reversing Alex running out onto the street with the duvet wrapped around him. He runs to the car door and wrenches it open.
"Laura, this is madness, come back in the house and let's talk about it!" He pleads. I positively [Not sure about your word choice here. Why positively?] growl back at him and slam the door nearly taking off his fingers and then force my little old car to drive forward. I hear a flapping coming from outside the car and look in the mirror just in time to see the bottom of my now ex turning bright red before [s]it's[/s] its bastard of an owner sprints back into the house.

In general, I think you've made an excellent start on this but you should punctuate it! And I want to know what the characters look like so some more description perhaps? See you tomorrow,

Heather xx

thanks heather
i cant be arsed to do my caps at the beginning...im of the microsoft word generation where it does it for me...
cya later chick!