Watching You

Just a quick little one chaptered story I thought up while I was thinking of ideas for the next chapter of Escape. This has nothing to do with Escape, though, it's completely different. One chapter. Really short. Rated for one naughty word. Enjoy!

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I awake for the third time, unable to sleep. It's a curse, really, not being able to relax for just one night. I'm here in bed, but my mind is still in that suffocating office cube at work. All I see are names and numbers scrolling down a long list in my head, customer after customer.

Sighing, I turn around, expecting to find my husband soundly slumbering beside me. What I am met with, though, are wrinkled sheets and a vacant space. Apparently, I’m not the only one having sleeping troubles. Silently, I scramble out of bed and make my way downstairs to brew myself a cup of tea.

I wasn't expecting to find my husband there already, sipping some steamy liquid, hot chocolate, judging by the rich smell, and pouring over an old novel.

A small smile creeps over my face as I watch him from the entryway, my head and shoulder pressed against the wooden door frame.

The room is dim. Only the low brass chandelier above the table, where he sits, is on. Seeing him down here brings a flood of memories back to mind, for this is the exact way we had first met. He would always read some book or article every night at closing time in the coffee shop where I first worked a while ago, every night I would ask him why he chose to do so, and every night, he would smile that ravishing smile that could easily knock any sane woman off her feet and respond with, "The mind is a terrible thing to waste." before burying his nose within the pages again whilst I cleaned the tables and locked up the register.

Silently, in the doorway, I chuckle to myself. He was such a goofball.

And now, as I watch him in this peaceful state, it comes to mind and amazes me that with a simple smile, he can still make the earth shudder beneath my feet. I've heard so many times that relationships tended to die away after the ‘I do’s, but we are still holding strong, him and I. Still to this day, deep within those endless fudge eyes, I freely descend. Each time we share a gaze, I find myself willingly drowning in those dark orbs.

He's still got that endearing charm that can drive a girl mad, pulling her towards both the feel of love and lust; it makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it.

He brings the white mug to his lips, savoring the warmth of the fiery liquid. His eyes close and he sits there for a while, silent and motionless with the cup still rested at his lips. At first, I think he must be really thirsty to be drinking so much at once, but his lips are not parted. Is he falling asleep? I think, giggling amusedly. But, suddenly, his eyes snap open and he sets the mug back on the table, smirking and shaking his head as if he's just been hit with a humorous flashback.

He flips the page, "You know, it's not polite to stare."

My heart skips a beat. He isn't talking to me, is he? How could he know that I'm in here? I stiffen and walk backwards a little, trying to blend into the shadows.

He places his bookmark in the crack of the book and turns to me, smirking, "And neither is not speaking when you are spoken to." Damn. He did know.

Sighing, I step into the kitchen, my blue slippers brushing against the hardwood floors. He offers me the seat next to him, but I plant myself in his lap instead, drinking from his cup. He watches me all the while, and I suddenly wonder if he sees me the same way I see him. The same. Does he still love me the same, or am I just the employee he shared casual conversations with in a coffee shop?

I sit the mug on the table and smile down at him, "What?"

He shakes his head mutely and pulls me down further into the chair between his legs so that he may hug me from behind. On my shoulder, he rests his chin, speaking softly, "Nice how we can just take what we want." Says he, darting his eyes back and forth between his steaming cup and myself. Mentally, I gasp. That's all you have to say? I scold in my head, After all of that staring and thinking, all you have to say to me is "Nice how we can just take what we want"?

I force a weak laugh, "Well, sorry, I had a craving for something sweet and your chocolate was tantalizing me."

He chuckles and turns his head to leave two kisses on the side of my neck, "I wasn't talking about that. I meant you."

I furrow my eyebrows, confused at the statement, "Wait, what? That makes no sense."

He smirks and kisses my neck again, whispering hotly enough against my skin to get the hairs to stand on end, "The mind, my dear, is a terrible thing to waste."

This was very nice, Aquarius Angel! I'm happy to see something about an older couple on here for once. I particularly like how she talks about meeting him.

A couple things, though:

Still to this day, deep within those endless fudge eyes, I freely descend.

Fudge eyes? Hmm... I understand that there's a bit of a chocolate theme in this, but the bit about "fudge eyes" sort of messes with the romantic feel, making you re-read it, and say, "eh". I think you should replace it with something else. Caramel, possibly, if you still feel like a foodstuff-y description.

Also, CONGRATS! I only found one grammar problem:

"Nice how we can just take what we want." Says he, darting his eyes back and forth between his steaming cup and myself.

There needs to be a comma instead of a period after "want", and don't capitalize "says".

Besides those, a sweet little piece there, AA!

I liked this too. It's the kind of piece I'm a total sucker for. I always imagine this is one of the nice things about being married, though, so I'm going to continue to like this kind of stuff no matter how much I get made fun of for it. Hehe...

Couple of grammatical issues:

Silently, I scramble out of bed and make my way downstairs to brew myself a cup of tea.

"Scrambling" is not usually an action I associate with silence. Slipping out, or even climbing out, of the bed seems more appropriate here. Scrambling is rather comical.

I wasn't expecting to find my husband there already, sipping some steamy liquid, hot chocolate, judging by the rich smell, and pouring over an old novel.

In this case, it would be "poring", unless he's dumping the hot chocolate all over his old novel.

He would always read some book or article every night at closing time in the coffee shop where I first worked a while ago, every night I would ask him why he chose to do so, and every night, he would smile that ravishing smile that could easily knock any sane woman off her feet and respond with, "The mind is a terrible thing to waste." before burying his nose within the pages again whilst I cleaned the tables and locked up the register.

I write sentences like this all the time, so I totally get the appeal, but at the same time, it's a bit much. Try breaking it up into a couple of separate sentences or adding a semicolon or something. Also, I think there should be a comma inside of the quote, rather than a period.

On a non-grammatical note, this is cute. I'm a sucker for a guy who can get lost in a book, and heart-melting smiles are always a welcome bonus. hehe...

Still to this day, deep within those endless fudge eyes, I freely descend. Each time we share a gaze, I find myself willingly drowning in those dark orbs.

I agree about the "fudge eyes" thing. It's kind of like scrambling out of bed to make a cup of tea to help yourself sleep: it just doesn't quite fit. Besides that, these two sentences are a little redundant. Try picking one image and using it in one sentence, rather than repeating the same sentiment two different ways in the same paragraph. I'm kind of partial to: "Every time we share a gaze, I find myself willingly drowning in those endless dark eyes."

He brings the white mug to his lips, savoring the warmth of the fiery liquid. His eyes close and he sits there for a while, silent and motionless with the cup still rested at his lips. At first, I think he must be really thirsty to be drinking so much at once, but his lips are not parted. Is he falling asleep? I think, giggling amusedly.

I think "fiery" is going overkill here.

Also, I would change "giggling amusedly" to plain ol' "amused" since that suggests a silent action and eliminates the use of the weird adverb that I'm not entirely certain is a real word...

He flips the page, "You know, it's not polite to stare."

Period after page, rather than the comma.

I sit the mug on the table and smile down at him, "What?"

Same as above. (But so cute! hehe)

The end was cute too, since you nicely tied in the "mind is a terrible thing to waste" quote that he seemed so fond of. Overall, I felt like it was a nice snapshot of a moment in this couple's relationship. Very cute, very sweet, mostly light, but still clear that they were very much in love.

I enjoyed the present tense and first person in this story. After the first time I used it, I was hooked. It's really fun to write and read, and you did it very nicely.

All the grammar I found was really minor stuff, really, just nit-picks. So don't take it as a "haha, I tore apart your piece." It's a compliment if I like a story enough to look at it with this much detail.

Thanks for the read!

I'm not a fan of love stories but you did this very well. It was straight to the point and flowed along nicely. The way it was written was nice too.

Loved how you ended the story. Simple and clean.

Overall, very well done AA

that's was pretty neat with the older couple.

nice job.

That was a really nice story, I loved the ending. It leaves a little bit of mystery for the reader which is awesome!

Thanks so much for the crits, guys!

:smt049~Syd

This was really sweet and some of your descriptions are lovely but I'd quite like to know more of what your characters look like. It's not necessary; just a preference. Here's a few specific suggestions -

Seeing him down here brings a flood of memories back to mind, for this is the exact way we had first met. [This might be smoother as 'mind, for this is exactly how I met him' or 'mind, for this is how we met; exactly.']

I think, giggling amusedly. [Perhaps 'I think, giggling in amusement' or 'I think, giggling with amusement.']

I sit the mug on the table and smile down at him, "What?" [Maybe set or place rather than sit?]

__________________

Other than that, I can't fault your word choice and your use of the present tense is flawless. Some really good work here!

Thanks again, that was very helpful and appreciated. Gracias! I'll take it into consideration for when I write something like this again.

:smt049~Syd

I can honestly say that this is very realistic. Very.

It touched a spot in me. I used to work at a coffeeshop and my own husband (after we were married) would come and wait for me to get off work, reading a book or a magazine.

It's a wonderful story. Everyone's already touched on the critiquing parts of it so I'm just going to tell you how much I loved it.

I don't think you need anymore description of the characters. After all the focus isn't on the entire face, it's the eyes of the man. Adding more description would take away from the rest of the piece, putting a focus on something that's not really important.

Things like this do still happen after the 'I do's.

*blushes*

Thank you a bunch, Kel, it means a lot to hear you say that. ^^ Glad you loved it so much! *small bows* Gracias.

~Syd

Ooh.. Yummy.

I loved this, it was so different and refreshing. It's not often when I read stories of a married couple, they all tend to be of blooming relationships or ones that are coming to an end, but this was great. I liked how strong you made the couple seem and they both seemed so happy, just content.

I like how you referred to the eyes as "fudge eyes" as this made the image seem - and so sorry to use the cliche - delicious. It described the colour, but maybe even how the woman portrays them; as delicious? I'm not sure, but it worked well!

I liked how it included flashbacks too as she reminissed about how they met as this is sometimes at a loss in romantic novels; unless someone's fancy has died, so it was nice for the change.

Wonderful. ^^

I may go and read your Escape thingy now. Impressed much.

Oh, This is just great!
Just one thing I'm not too clear on:

I force a weak laugh, "Well, sorry, I had a craving for something sweet and your chocolate was tantalizing me."

What is she sorry for? I don't know, maybe I'm missing something?

I don't really have anything else to add that hasn't already been mentioned, but I like how warm and comfortable the story feels, you know? Like when you curl up next to the fire with a good book. So all in all you did a really great job! I think someone deserves a cookie!
I'm going to have to read some of your other work now...

*gasps* They're not young! They're not perfect! They're not unmarried beautiful people sleeping together! What is wrong with you???

haha, that was sarcasm by the way. i'm so very happy someone wrote a romance story about a young married couple in love. SOOOOO sweet. now, for my critique. everyone covered pretty much everything i was going to say, but i did see one thing.

"I wasn't expecting to find my husband there already, sipping some steamy liquid, hot chocolate, judging by the rich smell, and pouring over an old novel. "

This is a bit of a run-on. Try this: "I wasn't expecting to find my husband there already, sipping some steamy liquid - hot chocolate, judging by the rich smell. He sat at the table, poring over an old novel he had probably read a hundred times already."

hehe, sorry, i got a little carried away. but you get the idea.

As everyone else has said this piece is really well written. You are a good short story writer. I find most writers have a lot of trouble with short stories and tend to miss out on writing a good ending but yours was perfect. I loved that it was short and sweet and your detail and descriptions were unique. I would like to see more of your work. Nice job overall! Keep writing!