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Delilah



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Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:45 pm
theluckyflower says...



Alright...this is the first story I've written in months...many, many long months. I was bored and in a car when I thought of it. Please read and tell me what you think. Thank you.

~TLF



Evan Andrews was no ordinary man. He was different from all other men for the simple reason that he was in love with a beautiful woman no one could see. Every night in his dreams, he would leave his body and sail through the starry, night sky as an apparition and travel hundreds of miles to see his lover, Delilah.

It used to be that at every night at eight o’clock, Delilah would take a stroll through the park while smoking a cheap cigar before returning to her apartment. Every night Evan would sit on the bench and greet her as she walked past. Some nights he would say “Good evening, Miss.” Other nights he would say “You look beautiful, Miss.” And every now and then, he would get lucky, and Delilah would wink.

Of course the circumstances were usually hit or miss. If she was at the park, Evan would be there standing by the flag pole or sitting on the bench to greet her. Whenever she did not appear, Evan would fly to the window of her apartment and see her in bed with another man. Whenever that happened, Evan would wake up in his own bed and scream and cry and wake up everybody in building. Then the men dressed in a uniformed white would come to pinch the nerve in his arm with a needle to make him go to sleep. Evan believed the needle to be magical, since it prohibited him from leaving his body at night.

In the mornings after his nerve pinching, Evan would sit by the window of his colorless room and stare outside, wanting Delilah more and more. Then every night after his nerve pinching, he found the courage to greet Delilah, not in the park, but at her door. Under the red light hung above her doorbell, she would allow him entrance into her home. There he would spend his night, until he awoke in his own bed the morning after.

This continued for eight months, three weeks and a day before Evan decided to leave his white room in his white building to greet Delilah in person. However, the men in uniformed white would not allow him to leave, and a particularly mean one hit him aside the head a bit too hard with what felt like a baseball bat. As he fell to his knees, his vision blurred and red sweat dripped from his head. He cocked his head to the side and felt it land on the breast of a woman. He turned his head and saw Delilah at his side. He apologized for bleeding all over her and asked for a rain check on the dinner plans, for he felt as if we would be late getting to her house. As he closed his eyes, Delilah disappeared, and he felt cold.
  





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Tue Jun 19, 2007 7:06 pm
Meep says...



That was creepy and surreal. I like it. :D

I think you could do with more description. Some of your paragraphs felt like laundry lists. While you're off to a good start, I think that adding more detail would help this a lot.

(Also, you do know who Delilah is, right?)
✖ I'm sick, you're tired. Let's dance.
  





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Tue Jun 19, 2007 7:21 pm
Felicita says...



Hello there! I will start with saying that I enjoyed this very much. It flowed quite well and you kept me entertained from beginning to end. Also, I agree with Meep that you need to elaborate in the description section. You pretty much listed everything by saying "First this, then this, after that this happened..." and so on and so on.

Also, you made one itty bitty mistake in this sentence:
...would wake up in his own bed and scream and cry and wake up everybody in building.
I think you missed out the word "the" at the end in between "in" and "building". That was the only little mistake I could find, though. Your grammar and punctuation are polished, so you don't need to be lectured there.

The story overall was splendid!! You've done very well on this. I hope to read more of your work soon!!

If you have any questions or anything at all, feel free to PM me anytime. Good luck! Best wishes! Great job! :D

Yours,
Fee
  





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Tue Jun 19, 2007 10:21 pm
Doctor Kitty says...



Whoa. That was wicked.

I liked how the "weirdness" wasn't revealed all in one place; rather it was revealed over time. Me likey.

Like Meep said, it wouldn't hurt to add some more details.
  





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Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:38 am
Rydia says...



A very creepy story. Just a few comments...

It used to be that [s]at[/s] every night, at eight o’clock, Delilah would take a stroll through the park while smoking a cheap cigar before returning to her apartment.

Of course, the circumstances were usually hit or miss.

Then the men dressed in uniform white would come to pinch the nerve in his arm, with a needle, to make him go to sleep.

In the mornings, after his nerve pinching,

____________________________
Other than that, a very well written, imaginative piece but I agree that it could be extended.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





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Wed Jun 20, 2007 3:46 pm
Night Mistress says...



It's creepy but i like it.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Thu Jun 21, 2007 10:03 pm
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Lady Pirate says...



At first I was thinking: don't tell us...show us! But then I got the end, I didn't want you to show me, I wanted you to tell me, so that was very good. I like this a lot, it is very creepy and haunting, and I like it. Keep it up! :D
'My words fly up, my thoughts remain below.
Words without thoughts never to heaven go.'

William Shakespeare
Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)
  





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Fri Jun 22, 2007 7:36 pm
BrokenSword says...



Ooh, very nice. I also thought it was quite sad, too. I agree that I like this "telling" style of the story. Great work!!
  








If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
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