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RAY AND ME



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 125
Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:43 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Ray and Me

BY RAILEY SMITH
A Bit of Word From the Author

Just so you know, this story is about a girl who thinks she has a perfect relationship, with a famous guitar singer. In the story the relationship is greatly tested especially when Alicia agrees to do something a little...extreme. So basically; holiday fun! Just kidding. ;) Alicia is the type of character who seems innocent and naïve. Although she is stronger than she knows and only has to be honest with herself.


Chapter One: A Surprise Visit

I knocked on Elizabeth’s door, from just walking down the long hall to her bed room. She opened the door a bright smile on her face.

“ Hey, right on time…”

“ Yeah , whatever we’ve got some work to do.”

“ Yeah, I guessed Alicia.” She said going to her desk to work on her manicure.“ So you heard about Duncan Beach?”

“ Yes, I did. I was wondering if you could drive me down there”. How could she not? We were best friends, Liz knew she was going to help me.

“ Yeah, just about everyone’s going to be there, a lot of people are planning on sneaking a peek into his room. I heard his shampoo goes for a thousand…“ Liz always heard something somewhere, “ and the shaver three hundred which is kind of low cause it’s got his hair on it--”

“ Yeah, and I plan to beat them to the punch…shampoo three hundred?!” I threw a stuffed an animal at her and we both laughed.
Elizabeth was talking about the most famous Christian guitarist that ever lived, at least in my opinion. His name was Ray Blunt, and I thought about him about a gazillion times a day [Along with thousands of other girls]. I ,of course was obsessed with him before he became famous; when he went to our high school. That was all before he graduated and got a record deal. His album [ When You Need] went number twelve on the billboards. I was really proud of him and I wanted to see him. Well, no I HAD to see him, no question about it.

All the parents in town knew kids were going to Duncan Beach, they just couldn’t figure out why. I told my parents it was because Ashley Simpson was having a concert, which she was with Ray performing one song. (I left that detail out). That’s the real reason people are so shook up, one of our own had made it and us high schoolers wanted to support him. Moreover, mug him in his bungalow, you know. ;).

So with our lies confirmed Liz and I hit the road. It was hard to get our parents to let us go, we both have good Christian parents with strict rules about where we go. But I could tell my parents got into the idea of having some alone time. Plus I’m senior in high school, they have to slowly give me more freedom. Better little by little, than all at once when I leave for college.

We left the night before to avoid traffic. It was a little scary how many of my classmates I saw pass us by. People were pretty drunk and wild, I was scared we would be the victims of a car crash. But when I saw Scott Elkins flash us, I laughed it off. Made me wish more of my friends had come along, especially Doug.

By the time we had seen more than our share of class mates, and bumper to bumper traffic, we reached the Day Inn by 2 am. It was the cheapest motel I ever saw. The reception area reminded me of way too many scary movies.

The floors were a pale yellow tile, well at least the stain was yellow and the walls an old mint green. It didn’t help that man we paid to Rod [He wore a polyester shirt and had greasy matted hair] was behind a bullet proof glass. Or that Liz laughed hysterically when I claimed he looked at me funny.

We only slept for a few hours and then we woke up and headed to the beach. It was a pretty big beach, the ocean wide form left to right. The Arizona air I was used to was replaced with a salty sea breeze. On the beach there were hundreds of people, mostly high school and college kids on Spring Break. And unless you’re a dude all the skimpy bikinis were not enjoyable. I resisted Liz’s pleads to try out the surf shops on the board walk, or have a meal at Rugby’s on the pier.

This is where the bungalow was and I wanted to warn Ray of his visitors, that is if I got to him. Looking down the road that lead to the beach I saw a crowd of my peers… our luck ran out, they were heading fast toward the bungalow.

“Oh, no!” I groaned. “ Liz you need to drive”.

So we took a back road and were minutes ahead of the mob. Thank goodness Liz was good with directions. Once we were sure we found the right bungalow, I fixed my hair and decided my best entrance.

I asked Liz to wait, walking to the back of the house, I climbed through a back window, and I found my self in a bathroom. I was hoping it lead to Ray’s room, but as I saw the huge bear on the bed, I knew I was wrong. I was sure it was Ray’s bodyguard; he didn’t like me much…[ no comment]

I sneeked out the door grateful it was wide open; no slamming of the door to wake the bear. I slowly walked down the hall to the master bedroom. Trying to ignore the fact it was the ugliest and only bungalow I had ever seen. Why would any one have a daisy yellow hall with pictures of the stars from days of our lives? Any way it was all good luck when I reached Ray’s room. The door was open a crack… “Yes!”

I flung open the door and there on the bed was Ray Blunt!
I jumped on his sleeping body and started screaming loud enough to wake him.

“ Huh, what’s going on?”

He was too tired to get up, the blankets covering his face, but I pinned him with my legs and my hands.

“ Hi, Ray, can you guess who this is?”

When he recognized my voice he moved the blankets from his face, he didn’t say anything at first. Instead, he grabbed me and I was on the other side of the bed, him over he now.

And basically he gave me a kiss hello.


Chapter Two: Rayriffic Fans

Uh-huh and you thought I was some crazy stalker. I mean I am, but Ray is my boyfriend.

I’ve been stalking Ray since kindergarten, soon enough he couldn’t resist me and we became friends. It was hard though because Ray was a year older then I. So when I was in the sixth grade, he was in junior high. When I was in eighth grade, he was in high school. Therefore, I didn’t really reel him in till high school when he stopped graduating so much. We hung out a lot and my sophomore year he finally asked me out, we’ve been a strong couple ever since. Except he had to go and graduate again! On top of that, he got a record deal. Not that I ever get tried of chasing after Ray, I mean when we get married one day, I can rest.

We now sat up on the bed smiling at each other, “ Hi, Alicia.”

“ Hi Ray, how are you?”

“ Better now ,baby how did you get down here?” How I loved the sound of his voice!

“ Liz drove me, and everyone was coming down here. So I figured it was a prefect excuse to come and see you.” I smiled my innocent smile.
Ray shook his head, what I had done was bad, lying to my parents and breaking into his house. He did not really approve in that angle, in another angle, he was more then happy to see me.

“ You shouldn’t have done that, but I’m glad you came along anyway.” He smiled now.

And he gave me a hug with another kiss filled with delight and it was at that moment I pulled him away from me, “Oh, shoot I forgot!”

“ Forgot what?”

“ That’s there’s a mob of fans about to break in your house!”

“What? Are you serious, from where? ” Ray looked shocked, like a celebrity about to be punk ’ed.

“ Yeah, their all coming down the beach, you better tell Bob.” I hated to even mention him.

Bob was the huge scary bear asleep in the other room. And like I said he didn’t like me very much. I guess because I’m a danger magnet, being a normal person and a high school senior. But I’ve told him before I’d never do anything to hurt Ray, never ever.

So I protested as Ray dragged me along to Bob’s room, “ Ray Nathaniel Blunt! No, stop it! You know Bob hates me, he’ll blame this on me!”

But we were already down the hall and Ray stopped to look at me meaningfully. “I know, but I can’t part from you for a second”. And you know he kissed me again. “Besides he’ll blame you later ; either way.”
I sighed because Ray was right, we reached Bob’s room and Ray dragged me in to wake him up. “Bob, Bob? Wake-up we got a situation here.”
Bob was no longer a hibernating bear and was now awake ready to protect his bear cub a.k.a Ray Blunt.

“ What’s happened Ray?” He looked like he getting ready and charged.
Ray informed him of the situation, while I hide behind him. Which was effective since the bear was dim-sighted. Of course Ray still held my hand, making him stand at an odd angle. So Bob caught in on that he was hiding something; or that I was hiding behind Ray.

“ Hey, Ray what you got behind you?”

I could hear the smile in Ray’s voice, “ What this? Oh, it’s just Alicia…” Ray presented me to Bob as if he would be happy to see me, “ Isn’t this great? She drove all the way down here to see me!”

I could see the redness in Bob’s eyes, “ Hey, Bob, good to see you. Everyone was coming here so I figured I’d warn you guys.”

“ Yeah, because you told them Ray would be here!” I wonder if this would be one of those Mean Girl moments, two girls fighting over the same guy…..Expect I don’t think Bob makes a good Regina George.

I sighed in annoyance. “ No, I found out from the rumors.” I glared at Ray and he took out a look of guilt.

(Ray’s manger was really mean, so sometimes he took away Ray’s phone so I couldn’t talk to him. This was really hard sometimes. When Ray had gotten the record deal February of last year, he was recording songs while still going to school. Then right after graduation he focused on the record full time in Los Angeles, and then he worked on promoting the album. The album got good reviews, he went on TRL , got number one hits, and he still has a good spot on the billboards. Oh, yeah and has no time for his girlfriend! [ Everyone’s favorite]. Anyway I couldn’t be mad at him, I loved him too much. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t…)

“ Not that again Cece!” I looked away in frustration.

“ I’m going to call patrol,” said Bob reaching over his counter for his phone.

“ I need to get in the shower I stink”, said Ray.

I turn to him, “ Yeah I noticed.”

So while Ray was in the shower I cleaned his room, I do nice stuff like this for him all the time. I don’t know why I don’t even clean my own room.

I picked up old take out food, candy wrappers, and vacuumed the floor as Ray came out the bathroom. “ What are you doing?”

“ Cleaning.”

“ Why? We got maids to do that.”

“ I know, I just want to clean that’s all.”

Is so weird? Is against the rules of women empowerment? I tell you people never appreciate a favor.

Ray jumped on his bed, “ Why? You never clean your room at home.”
“ I know,” I say putting away the vacuum, “ I just want to do something nice for you that’s all.”

I walk over to the bed and stand in front of Ray, “ So, move so I can make up the bed.”

But he seizes me by the wrist bringing my face closer to his, “ Why? We might mess-up anyway!”

“ Ray!” I hit him on the head, laughing.

“ Ouch, that’s abusive Alicia!”

Just then we heard the cheering, “ RAY! RAY! RAY! RAY!”

“ Oh, no”, said Ray, “ I better go calm them down.”

Half an hour later patrol has the crowd under control, and Ray’s up on the balcony talking to all his former peers. Meanwhile I reside inside not wishing to be seen by anyone, washing the dishes.

Bob comes into the kitchen to get a bottle of beer. “ Why are you doing that for?”

“ Cause I want to.” Bob just rolls his eyes, as if I wasn’t doing them a favor.

It really wasn’t much of a bungalow; inside it was like a flat white house. So really it could use some cleaning especially since Ray’s mom was absent and demanded he’d have no servants or maids.

I heard a final cheer from the crowd outside. Ray finally found me in the kitchen, “ What are you doing?”

“ Washing the dishes dough-dough, what’s it looking like?”

Ray seemed irritated; “ I haven’t seen you in two months and your washing dishes? Come on, drop the sponge and let’s go to the beach!”
I smiled, “ Anything you want Ray!”

By the time we walked outside the mob had gone, and Liz was in her car putting on lip gloss.

“ Ray, you look terrible.” She smiled, Liz liked to tease Ray.

“ And that means so much coming form you Lizzy.”

After they had a short embrace, we all got in the car and we went down to the beach right in the middle of April, and of course I got Liz to come along. “ Lizzy…” I was worried about her having a bad time.

“ Don’t worry about me Alicia, I already spotted a lifeguard.”

I smiled at her as she followed the path lead by a goggled eyed lifeguard.

“ Ha--” I tried to hold back my laughter and amusement. I turned to Ray, “ This is nice., lets go over by the water.”

“ Sure, I’m game.”

So holding hands we walk over to the water, walking down the beach. Although there was dozens of people there, I only saw one image. Which is surprising since there were at least a dozen photographers following us. Normally that would have bothered me, but hey I haven’t seen Ray in TWO months so you think I noticed? Heck no.

I was in a complete Ray pool, nothing else mattered, except Elizabeth and she was taken care of. Well-taken care.( I noticed her and the lifeguard going at it).

Ray didn’t seemed into the whole scenery at first, I wondered if the paparazzi made him paranoid. “ Don’t you just love the beach?” I ask.
Ray stops looking at the water, and smiles at me, “ Definitely, but looking over this way I see a much lover view.”

I giggle like a six year old, like I always did with Ray. It surprised every time I was with him that he was mine and I was his. I just could never get over how lucky I was…

“ Your so silly.”

For a couple of hours Ray and I enjoyed the beach fully. Ray and I got ice cream, not so much for Ray having to sing later in the afternoon. Our two hours seemed not to last long enough.

Because as we were looking out on the pier he said, “ Cece, I got to go.”

“ Go?” I hate when that happens, if Bob hadn’t been following us twenty feet away Ray wouldn’t want to go. It would have been nice just once, on this afternoon if I could get rid of any distractions so Ray and I could go to the beach carnival. And go on the merry-go rounds, on the Ferris wheels, buy cotton candies, win stuffed animals and make out in a picture booth. Then at sunset we could hold hands and walk to his bungalow, and then Bob the bear could disappear and we could hang out in the hot tub…. Ah… the perfect day, if only it was possible!

“ To get ready for the concert?” [I knew of course, I don’t know why I even ask, not as if Ray would like ‘Oh, just kidding!’]

Ray nods his head seeming to have regret. Not that much of course, he loves to perform and everyone loves to watch him. “ You want me to go back to my motel?”

“ No. How’d you even get a motel?” Ray seemed to always think I couldn’t do grown-up things.

“ What? We had the money and I’m eighteen.” I say.

“ Yeah, whatever. I don’t want you to go.” Ray looked kind of sad.

I smile as he stares at me in his funny way, “ What you want me hangout in your limo all day?” Not that I wouldn’t, but Ray so didn’t know that. I was like Miss. New York I’d do anything for my man. But sometimes when I think he hasn’t missed me enough I play hard to get on purpose. It’ s really quite cute to watch; especial since he doesn’t know I’d spend every moment of my life with him if I could.

“ No, but don’t go home. I’ll get you a back stage pass.” Exactly what I wanted….

“ Really? Ray, no you should focus on your song, don’t worry about getting me a backstage pass. I’d love that, but don’t go through with the trouble baby. I…” so then I get this sad look on my face and look out at the ocean, pretending to be broken hearted. Which I would be if he didn’t demand to get me a backstage pass, I’ll probably mooch one in for Lizzy too.

“ Nonsense Alicia, I’ll call Mike right now and set it up. Should I get Liz one too?”

I thought about that for a second, she might have to go home, “ I don’t think so she’ll get in a lot of trouble if she’s not home today.”

“ Damn, okay. Go find her so we knew for sure.”


So I blew Ray a kiss good-bye and I walked down from the pier and found Liz sitting alone in front of a burger place, “ What are you doing Liz? Where’s your hunky life guard?”

Liz sighed in bliss, “ He left ten minutes ago.”

I sat next to her cringing my nose, “ Ten minutes all by your self? What a jerk. You are way to pretty to sit here alone.”

Liz was hardy listening twirling her hair serenely, an indication she was whipped by a good afternoon. “ He said he’d call me and maybe we could hang out tonight.”

“ Ah, good.” I told of my plans with Ray and said she could hangout late with her guy and we’d meet later at the bungalow since Ray left early the next morning.

“ That’s fabulous, I wish I was going to the concert with you. Your going to be by all those Hollywood types and Ray will too busy to hangout with you. You’ll probably have to show your pass about a zillion times if you don’t go and get glamed up… Even if you do look like a poster model, people backstage are jerks.”

Yeah, like she would know. I’d only been around these Hollywood/ back-stage people a couple times. And at those times Ray was introducing me to them. And he wouldn’t introduce me to anyone mean. So I was clueless to how I would be treated standing back-stage alone watching the show go on. Damn, why did Liz always have to go there?

So Liz and I went back to the pier to tell Ray of our plans. “ Cool, everything’s perfect; you’ll leave tonight instead.”

But I saw a secret glint in Ray’s eyes. I figured it was the huge support his fans were giving him. So he must have been excited to perform, or it could have been my support. I’m the most Rayriffic fan that ever was; no one can bet that. (Not even Ray’s mom).

Chapter Three: For Ashley, It Doesn’t Go Up

So now it’s around five o’clock and the preparations are nearly over. I’m sitting in a corner as everyone swoons over him and he seems happy enough. It’s just kind of weird to see your boyfriend wear more make-up then you. Oh well, he was so nice to look at that I forgot to feel secretly mad and left out. Or maybe it’s because I think Ray is too important to ever feel that way. Anyway, I was staring at him (like staring at the television) my pass over my neck day dreaming of our future. It was really relaxing and I wished he had more time to himself. Or maybe this is his time, maybe he loves this a lot more then I’ll ever know…

As the make-up artist and hairdressers left the room bumping into me I came alive again and took a small breath. Then I noticed an odd look on Ray’s face. Like he hated to sit there with Preperformance-performance jitters.

He turned to me, “ Cece get over here.”

I smiled and walked over to him, I stood behind him my hands on his shoulders. We both looked in the mirror. My caramel-red skin glowed in the room quite nicely, it shocked me.

Suddenly with no warning Ray got up from the chair and went to the door calling the people back into the room. I stared at him curiously, “

What, Ray? Is one of your highlights off?”

He didn’t answer as the hairdressers and make-up artist got in the room he blew various commands. The first one apparently at me, “ Alicia, sit in that chair.”

It was like I was on autopilot and I sat down no questions asked. Then he said various other things to the people in the room. Evidently, most of it had to do with being polite to other people, which according to Ray they were not. Then all a sudden they all attacked and start poking at my hair and my face. Somewhere in this cautious Ray said he would be warming up.

And when I was made-up head to neck, more people took me to wardrobe. Which were apparently emergency outfits for Ashley Simpson. Wow, these people really didn’t want Ray pissed. Piss, he was like a cuter Jesse McCartney. Why not follow his divo demands? Ah, see new word, divo! The male diva, I’m going to see how Ray likes it…

Finally I got a peek into the mirror, I nearly gasped. I looked good, really good. My hair was soft and shiny, my make-up perfect, and my out-fit topped it all off. “ I look good, dinnna nana nana Na, I knew that I would. That’s right, Ahhh!”

And I started dancing right in there because I was alone, then the door burst open. I stopped abruptly to Mike the meanest manager on Earth staring at me.

“ Uh…Hi, Mike, how are you?”

“ Who the hell are you?”

“ It’s me, Alicia!”

Why was he always forgetting who I was? He was Ray’s manager; he should know I held a place in Ray’s heart. In other words he shouldn’t treat me like crap.

“ Oh, you? I thought he broke up with you… How’d you get all the clothes and make-up?”

Mike had walked in the room by now calming down a little, which was never good. He tended to say rude thongs in this state. “ I don’t know, Ray got those people to do it…”

“ Well, there’s only so much they could do.”

I look at him in anger and he laughs it off, “ Joking Alicia, just I’m not sure what your doing here.”

“ Ray invited me.”

“ Sure, you stalk him to his bungalow unexpectedly, just… We wouldn’t want Ray to get distracted with GIRL-friends. Now would we?”

“ Ahem, soul-mates, and of course not.” I walk up to him in anger, “ How many times do I have to tell you people my intentions with Ray are nothing but good? I’ve known him a LOT longer then any of you have! And I should ask YOU what YOUR intentions with Ray are. You don’t know him or care about him like I do! Never!”

I was yelling so loud, and I walked out the room slamming the door. I didn’t win though; making a big old fuss was exactly what Mike wanted. I walked in a huff down the hall my arms folded across my chest and as I pass another hallway I hear my name called.

I turn around curious; I see Ray and smile walking over to him, “ Hey Ray!”

Ray smiled a big smile taking my hand, “ You look great! Wow, I thought I was the most beautiful one here, but I’m like an nine compared to your hundred.”

I laugh my utterly annoying laugh, the one I used to envy girls for, because when you have a boyfriend laughing like a horse comes natural. “ Ray, I couldn’t believe you did that, it was sexy.”

Ray seemed aroused at the word; I realized to late, it was because someone very weird looking stood next to him. Nonetheless Ashley Simpson! Wow, ugly- haired, big-nosed, boyfriend stealer Ashley Simpson! (Beware of that last one).

“Oh, my gaaa…” Yeah, of course that was me talking.

“ Well. Alicia this is—.”

“ Ashley Simpson naturally. Hey, nice to meet you, I’m, I’m Alicia!” Like some kind of Emma Roberts reject I stuck out my hand and she looked laid back and well… mean. Just a little.

“ Hi, nice to meet you. Are you a friends of Ray’s?”

Now, what could I say not to embarrass Ray? Usually when I told people Ray was my boyfriend I’d go on about our whole lives…. And I couldn’t do that in front of a celebrity, nonetheless a boyfriend stealer.

“ Well, yeah, I’m his girlfriend! And it is so nice to meet you. Ray,” I say turning to him, “ I don’t see how you do it! Meeting all these celebrities and staying so calm! Ashley don’t you just love him?”

She grabbed my arm, “ Definitely he’s a sweetheart and he’s got all the girls after him. I think it’s so cool how he can sing Christian music and be so popular. I wish Jessica had done that…”

I smiled I was hanging out with a celebrity walking into a back stage party, with my boy friend! Ray had a sweaty palm in my other hand. “ What’ s wrong? You never have sweaty palms.” I whisper to him.

He looked a bit fatigued as we paused at the door of the mini party and Ashley went inside to greet the entire guest, her entourage finally caught-up with her. “ Yeah, let’s not go in there, let’s sit.”

“ Okay, but jeez I’ve never been to a backstage party.”

Ray smiled ignoring my rants and pulled me way, way down the sound stage hall into an empty sitting room.

We each sat down on a comfy couch. “ What did you want to do in here Ray?” I ask dumbly.

So rather then tell me he showed me, exactly what he wanted to do. And it totally helped that the room was a bit dim. Soon our affection of love got carried away. You know… “ Ray…” I began nervously, but embarrassed he got up.

“ Never mind, I’m going on in two minutes come watch me from the side of the stage”, he said, although as we talked we were breathing hard.

“ Wait a second.” I protest but Ray grabbed my hand standing me up. He rubbed my cheek a little, and I ask,“ You nervous Ray?”

“ No, not really usually I pretend you’re the on the side watching me. But this time there’s no need now. This is going to be my best performance ever.”

“ Yeah. Good thing it’s on television.” I say sarcastically.


However Ray wasn’t nervous a bit in his opening act. He looked like he’d been doing the music thing for years. Seriously the crowd went wild, and Ray looked so happy like he’d do this for the rest of his life, with me his main supporter, always by his side. [If that were possible].
Ray ended up singing THREE songs instead of just one.

I told him people were really there to see him and not Ashley Simpson, but I guess he thought he just warmed up the audience for her. As he walked off the stage he came and hugged me, we were both laughing, and he said “That was so cool Cece!”

“ You look like your high, with happy!”

“ You, with laughing gas?”

He was right we couldn’t stop laughing, and we would have seen exactly what happened if we weren't’t. But of course I saw it on television later. So we were catching our breaths and all a sudden we hear the yelling and screaming from the crowd.

It took me a second to realize they were booing at her. It suddenly all made sense. Ashley Simpson 2004 Saturday night live lip-sings losing one quarter of her loyal fans. Then later big ass super bowl, Ashley sings entire audience of like 34,000 boo her. Then earlier this year Ashley has big concert, but she cancels because she’s sick. Sneaky photographer catches her ice-skating; fans waste 800 or more dollars on tickets and an idol.

And Ray the hottest new artist of the year, hot guitarist CHRISTIAN SINGER! Come on Ashley was trying to use him to recollect her fame and it backfired BIG time. I thought it was amazing how EVERY single person could agree that she deserved a good booing. I know there’s some kind of mob terminology… Like with an angry mob that ‘s yelling at someone you could hide and say something out loud to make them change their minds or do something violent. And these ex-fans were kind of an angry mob. So groups of people must have started booing, causing every other person to boo. Amazing, I learned all this from a Series Of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket.

When I told all of Ray this he looked confused for a moment, “ Yeah, I think her sound system got messed up…. Where’d that all come from?”

“ What’d what come from?”

“ All that stuff you just said.”

“ Live and learn baby, live and learn.”

Ray smiled, “ That kind of turned me on…. But we’ll talk about this later I have to save the concert.”

Ray began to walk away, but I grabbed his shirt, “ Wait, must you forget so quickly?”

“ Forget what?”

And I showed him exactly WHAT I meant.
Last edited by SASSYLADY333 on Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:37 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Fri Jun 08, 2007 1:11 am
damned_bullet93 says...



Hello! I'm from the chatroom, so I figured I should review your story. Lol. Okay, here it goes:

1. It's going too fast, yeah sure It's in 1st person but you might wanna descrbe a bit. It's almost like just a summary so maybe description would work.

2. Check your spelling...

3. It gets confusing at times, when it gets to the dialouge you should state who's saying what.

4. Other than that, It's a perfect, original story with a nice plot. I like the fact that her boyfriend's a popstar... Then the papparazzi would get to them and she's gonna have to deal with the media... Lol. :D
:D :D :D :D :D :D Sure.
  





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Fri Jun 08, 2007 1:17 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thanks, I want to go back and add a lot of detail lol. Plus spelling errors I thought i fixed i didn't my computer crashed a few weeks ago. So this story is straight from my USB cable I gave to JackBauerHasABaldSpot a few months ago. Just proves I'm too lazy. Thanks for the review, appreciate it!
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Fri Jun 08, 2007 1:19 am
Dream Deep says...



Ach, before you do anything, SassyLady, you need some spacing in there. As you have it, it's nearly a solid block of text. Space out each paragraph and new bit of dialogue for starters... that having been accomplished, I'm sure it'll draw more crits. ^_~



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Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:12 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thanks, your right it was just one big text. :D
  





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Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:58 am
Snoink says...



Hello and ( once more) welcome to YWS!

The first thing you want to do is check your spelling. I don't really want to waste my time on that, so I won't. But it won't be a waste ofyour time if you do that, I can guarantee!

The second thing you have to do is come up with a better title. With a catchier title, you'll be able to attract more readers, thus more critiquers. And that's good.

Third thing... everything seems so perfect. In fact, it's too perfect. I realize that they like each other and everything, but every piece of fiction has to have some conflict in it. For example, you said in your story that, if she feels like Ray isn't paying much attention to her, she'll become pouty and stuff. But, though we know that she feels left out, we're not sure why since that wasn't describe. Superfluous descriptions should be avoided, of course, but if they deal with conflict, you need to have them in there. Why does she feel ignored by him?

Also, maybe your character is Wonder Woman but... isn't she a little jealous of Ray? I don't mean that she hates him or anything -- obviously, she can't. But it's funny to me that she accepts him wandering around and not calling her or anything. His manager hides his phone? Come on. I'm really not that jealous, but even I would suspect that he might have another girlfriend.

Also... in the beginning, I think it would be better for us to know that Ray is indeed her boyfriend.

Hope that helps! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Sat Jun 09, 2007 2:04 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Well you see those things your thinking I want my readers to think.......lol. You'll have to wait and she how Alicia really feels. And the tips were great thank you! And yes it does help a lot, and thanks for not wasting time on spelling. ;)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Sat Jun 09, 2007 5:24 am
Loose says...



it might just be me, but I think there's too much dialogue in this.
  





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Sat Jun 09, 2007 5:27 pm
SASSYLADY333 says...



I agree, I'm a dialogue freak....lol.
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 12:15 am
Night Mistress says...



it's interesting to read. keep going.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 12:20 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thank you so much! Got thirty-four pages plenty for the future. ;).
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:26 am
damned_bullet93 says...



Wow, nice chapter... But, I think you can get more points if you post it... not edit it and paste it in there... Anyway, thats a cool new chapter (Poor Ashley...)
:D :D :D :D :D :D Sure.
  





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Wed Jun 13, 2007 12:15 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



lol thanks , I will.
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  








How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane