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First Impression



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Wed Jun 06, 2007 12:23 am
ATragicLoveStory says...



First Impression

I have to admit that I didn’t like him, not in the least. When I first set eyes on him, looking over every piece of clothing he wore, every facial expression he used; I couldn’t judge him like I had done with other people. He was different somehow. With his green eyes and a frown that never seemed to fade from his lips, he was truly unique. He mostly wore black and chains attached heavily to his ripped and worn-out jeans. Yet he always wore a pink bandana over his hair. On hot, summer days, he'd take it off for a brief moment to rake his hand through his hair, but otherwise, it was always on. His eyebrow was pierced drawing attention to his eyes and a tattoo of an eagle on his right arm.

The clanking of his chains bashing together as he trudged down the hallway in his usual manner. I shuddered by his presence. I stood frozen in my own converse, afraid to make any sudden movements to give me away. He turned towards me, eyes locked on, staring straight ahead. I hung my head in embarrassment, not wanting him to think I was a total jerk for not moving or saying anything. As the late bell rang its piercing calls that echoed down the hallway, he tore his glance away and retreated. I sighed in relief. I didn’t want to face him. I was afraid about what could happen. As I entered my fifth period class, I craned my neck to make sure he wasn't following me again; thankfully he wasn’t.

By the end of the school day, he had gotten in trouble twice and been sent to the Principal’s office for back-talking a teacher. I gathered all my books I needed for the nights homework and stuffed it all in my backpack. But apparently, my backpack didn’t seem too hungry to eat them, so my books didn’t exactly fit. I tried everything to get my books to stay inside my bag until I go so frustrated that I kicked my backpack across the hallway so hard that it skidded across the tiled floor and all the contents spilled out. At the exact moment, he came stomping on menacingly. Then he did something extraordinary. He crouched down and started to pick up my books. He handed them back to me, all neatly piled underneath my sea of paper. He had this I’m-such-a-good-boy look on his face and he smiled. I forced a grin to show my appreciation of his helpfulness.

“My name is Darrell,” he replied monotonously.

“Uh, my name is . . .Alex,” I replied slowly, trying to cover up my nervousness.

“Well, Alex. Nice to meet you.” He held out a hand. For me to shake?! I was astonished. How could a boy who seemed like such a bad egg turn out to be so genuine and gentle?! I shook his hand carefully, afraid that I might crack his hard, outer shell.

“Do you happen to know the math homework?” he asked me. We had ended up in the same, basic classes. Go figure.

“Uh, I believe she gave us about thirty problems to do. They are due tomorrow.”

“But tomorrow is Saturday,” he corrected me.

“You knew what I meant,” I replied suavely. He laughed a loud cackle that made me want to shrivel up and die on the spot.

“See you,” he called as he walked off. He shuffled through a swinging door that led him to the outside world.

When I got home, I grabbed a couple chocolate chip cookies and plopped my tired body onto the comfy couch. I flicked on the television with a touch of my finger. As I surfed through the many channels, the non-stopping cries of the phone began to call me. I briskly picked it up.

“Hello?” I said, suspecting it was my mother asking me to do some sort of useless chore.

“Hey, Alex,” A shaking voice answered. It sounded familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Uh, who is this?” I asked, my voice quavering.

“You know me,” the mysterious voice answered. “We met in the hall.”

Then it suddenly hit me. It was Darrell!

“Oh . . . Well, why’d you call? Something important I presume. And how'd you get my number?”

I twirled my finger around the phone cord waiting for his response.

“Well, actually...” He laughed nervously. "I got your number from the school phone book. But I called because I wanted to ask you something."

"Oh, that makes sense. But shoot away.” I replied, making a gun gesture with my fingers. “I’ll give you my best answer.”

“Well, I wrote a poem. I want to know what you thinkn of it. Here, listen.”
I waited as he cleared his throat.

“When I first saw you, your eyes sparkled with diamonds, your smile brightened my day. My only wish is that you, the blooming flower of the bouquet, will be my girlfriend.”

I dropped the phone in amazement. My mouth flew open. Did he just say what I thought he said? Was I daydreaming? Realizing I looked like a fish that had gotten out of the water, I closed my gaping mouth. At that moment, I noticed that I had judged him without knowing him first and that even first impressions like the incident in the hallway, can be helpful in knowing what a person is really like. I picked up the phone from its recent resting place, cradled between my ear and shoulder and said, “yes.”
Last edited by ATragicLoveStory on Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Jun 06, 2007 12:23 am
ATragicLoveStory says...



ugh. still no paragraph indents. they are supposed to be there...
  





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Wed Jun 06, 2007 3:01 am
Sam says...



The easiest thing to do is simply to hit 'return' between paragraphs. I did that for your post above, which I'm technically not supposed to do...but it was largely for your benefit and only a teensy bit for mine. :wink: I hope you don't mind.

Anyway, hey, ImperfectlyPerfect!

I really enjoyed your story- your narrator, though seeming kind of an average Jane, was pretty exciting to read about. Your style of writing flows and is easy to follow, which is a total bonus. :D

There were a few things I'd take a look at, though:

I FIT NEATLY INTO A STEREOTYPE, THEREFORE I AM UNIQUE:

Darrell reminded me of a familiar saying: "You're unique, just like everyone else!" It's one of those things that you have to think about- are goths or punks unique just in that respect? No, not really. They'd fit in perfectly with all the other goths and punks.

That's why I wasn't so impressed with you going on about how unique he was. He really wasn't- there's a few kids like him at every public high school in the history of ever, pardon the grammar.

How else could you make him seem unique, without resorting to stereotyping? Could he wear his clanky pants, but t-shirts for the same band every day? That would keep the goth effect, but would make him a little more memorable.

A STORY SHOULD NOT SET OUT TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING:

...that's something that every little kid'll tell you. That's why there's been a huge leap in the market for educational videos and such that make you learn something, but you don't really know you're, you know. learning. That's why I wasn't very happy with the ending- " Just then, I realized how much I did like him for who he truly was and not what he appeared to be. "

That sounds a bit like a Disney movie. And, hey, maybe that's what you wanted it to sound like- but if you want to go for a more avant-garde effect, you'll want to sneak in the morals. Don't go into explaining why she says yes, just have her say yes.

Readers aren't as slow as they look- or reviewers, for that matter. :wink: We can figure out what you're trying to say with your story.

___

Very cool, ImperfectlyPerfect! I definitely am going to be on the lookout for more of your work. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to look at something else. :D
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Thu Jun 07, 2007 8:42 pm
JFW1415 says...



Is there any more to say? I think Sam hit about everything.

In addition to her suggestions, Alex seems kind of...annoying to me. She's judging him without even knowing him.

Also, it seems kind of rushed. They don't know anything about each other. Shouldn't they be friends first? And how did he even get her number?

Over all, though, I really enoyed this story. Great job!
  





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Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:28 pm
JC says...



Hey! This was really good, my critique is below this! =D
Jazz= Grammar, spelling, punctuation, flow and all that Jazz!
Rhythm= Plot and style. How well does it flow and pace.
Voices= The individual voices of your story, basically a character analysis=D [Not included]
________________________________________
Jazz:
Clank, went the sounds of his chains bashing together as he trudged down the hallway in his usual manner.

This is kind-of an odd wording. Try changing it so that the onomatopoeia doesn't begin the sentence.

As I entered my fifth period class, I craned my neck to make sure he didn’t suddenly start following me again . . . thankfully he wasn’t.

Either change the didn't to wasn't or the last wasn't to didn't.

But apparently, my backpack didn’t seem too hungry to eat them, so my books didn’t exactly fit.


Rhythm:

I'm assuming this is the end of the story? Would I be correct? For some reason the last paragraph seems very conclusionary to me. Anyways, your plot was good, if not a tad cliched. But then again, what romance novel isn't, eh? Though I did quite like your style, that's what made it different.

The only things I would change are:

1. The scene in the hall was a little oddly timed. In other words, fast. It was just like, Boom, he's there. Names, meetings, conversation. Normally conversation out of people as seemingly shy as him take some coaxing to get.

2. Stalkings fun isn't it? How did he get his phone number? Have you ever been watching a cartoon and somehow everybody knows where everybody lives and how to contact every member of their family, including twice removed second cousins? Well, if you have then you know what I mean, it isn't like that in real life, unless you live in a small village, and those don't have large schools. Anyways, my point is, think of a better way to let the reader know he has her phone number. Warm up to it a little.

This was really good, although I'm not sure if it's finished yet. Normally at the end of a story I also do a character analysis, but I don't know in this case. =D Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  








Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu