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Lisa6534: ok, here it goes, i'm going to try and explain myself before I go out on this run
Auto response from SAMSONITE73: class
Lisa6534 returned at 5:55:15 PM.
Lisa6534: I know that Ed said that we need to decide if we want to try and work this out, and then try and get past it
Lisa6534: but honestly darlin, Ed is a guy, and he's not the world expert on things like this as far as I know
Lisa6534: yes, we did need to decide how we wanted to go about this, work it out or break up
Lisa6534: but who is he to say how and when we should try to get past it?
Lisa6534: Right now I still am very hurt, and very angry
Lisa6534: and as far as wanting to know the details, I understand whre you are coming from
Lisa6534: with the not wanting to know
Lisa6534: but I do, and maybe it's a girl thing
Lisa6534: but with every different situation taht could have occured, there are a different set of feelings that would come along with it
Lisa6534: so right now, i'm still trying to figure out what i think and how i feel about all of this
Lisa6534: i still haven't gotten out of you if you kissed her back or not, otehr than saying by not pushing her away right away you guess you were kissing her back
Lisa6534: i mean, kissing someone can be an emotional thing, feelings can be involved, and i'm trying to figure out what kind of feelings were involoved
Lisa6534: because, unlike me--i've kissed a ton of people, i'll be the first to admit that sometimes it's just kissing and that's it--you don't just kiss people Matt
Lisa6534: so if you kissed her back, that's a big deal to me, and how long you kissed her for, anohter big deal for me
Lisa6534: and i'm sorry, i really am, i've tried not to want to know
Lisa6534: and i'm not asking you to paint me a perfect picture, because i realize you can't remember everything, but even if you think that it is worthless
Lisa6534: is it that hard just to go ahead and ask her anyway, and try and find out for me, when I told you that I needed this?
Lisa6534: you're making me feel like i'm the reason that we're having problems
Lisa6534: and i'm the reason why things aren't the way they should be between the two of us
Lisa6534: and that i'm the one who is to blame here
Lisa6534: because I won't TRY hard enough
Lisa6534: and because I dont' WANT it enough
Lisa6534: and it's so hard for me to keep reminding myself that i'm the one who was hurt here
Lisa6534: not you, not her
Lisa6534: me
Lisa6534: and this whole thing, you and I working this out, before we can get past this and put it behind us
Lisa6534: should be about making me feel better
Lisa6534: and I think, in this situation, Ed is more concerned for you than he is for me
Lisa6534: and his view is going to be one which will make things easiest fo ryou
Lisa6534: and i'm not saying you should just sit there and take it when I yell
Lisa6534: because I don't want to yell anymore
Lisa6534: and i WANT to be past this, there is nothing else in the world I want mroe than to be past all of this, and have things they way they used to be
Lisa6534: and you keep saying that i want to break up with you because i keep saying it
Lisa6534: and it's not that i want to break up iwth you
Lisa6534: it's that i feel that if I can't try hard enough for you
Lisa6534: and i don't want it as much as you
Lisa6534: then maybe you would be better off without me
Lisa6534: and better off with someone who would try as hard as you wanted her to
Lisa6534: and who made you feel like she was willing to work as hard as you needed her to, because if you don't feel like what I'm doing is good enough
Lisa6534: then you aren't going to be happy
Lisa6534: you say you want me to tell you what i'm thinking or what i'm feeling
Lisa6534: but when i do, it upsets you, and so i do'nt knwo what to do
Lisa6534: all i can think of is to just sit down and shut up and act like everything is the way it was before, because doing that is the only way that I would be trying any harder than I already am, but that wouldn't be honest, and I didn't think you wanted that
Lisa6534: but if that's what you want matt, i'll do it, i really really will, and i'm not being sarcastic
Lisa6534: tell me what to do and i'll do it
Auto response from SAMSONITE73: class
Lisa6534: because it seems to me that you think you're the one who is being hurt here
Lisa6534: rather than me
Lisa6534: and maybe you're right
Lisa6534: so i'm sory that i've been difficult, and i will try to get past this, i won't ask you any more questions, and i'll stop going ballistic over things
Lisa6534: and you can tell Cristina that she is in the clear, I will not say anything to her ever
Lisa6534: she's off my buddy list
Lisa6534 is away at 6:15:56 PM.
Lisa6534: there is not one bit of sarcasm in this im at all, i swear, please don't be upset, i just want you to understand that i am trying, and am willing to do whatever you need it is for me to do to make this better
Lisa6534 returned at 6:18:08 PM.
Lisa6534: because i guess i'm just not working at this as hard as you are, and that's not fair to you
Lisa6534: cause you have other stuff going on, and i'm just making your life more miserable by wallowing in the past the way that I am
Lisa6534: I guess I just wanted to know what happend so I could try and judge how much I could still trust you
Lisa6534 is away at 6:20:41 PM.
Lisa6534 returned at 7:14:36 PM.
Lisa6534: the flowers just got here darlin
Auto response from SAMSONITE73: class
Lisa6534: thank you so much, they are gorgeous!
Lisa6534: although Jessie just broke one of our vases the other day...so we had a hell of a time trying to find enough things to put them in..that's one hell of a lot of flowers!
Lisa6534: I have some in my room
Lisa6534: some in the kitchen....
Lisa6534: some on the mantel
Lisa6534: I do feel bad accepting them though, since you aren't exactly happy with me at the moment
Lisa6534: but thank you very much, i love them
Lisa6534 is away at 7:17:35 PM.
Lisa6534 returned at 7:53:32 PM.
Lisa6534 signed off at 7:53:37 PM.
Lisa6534 signed on at 7:54:52 PM.
Lisa6534 is away at 7:55:21 PM.
SAMSONITE73: you there?
Auto response from Lisa6534: American Idol....leave a message or gimme a call
Lisa6534: yeah
Lisa6534 returned at 7:57:48 PM.
Lisa6534: but i can't take anohter crying session, i'm exhausted
SAMSONITE73: i'm really sorry, i just overreacted, it's just been another bad day
SAMSONITE73: and i just jumped at you
SAMSONITE73: this isnt your fault at all
Lisa6534: no, really matt, if you think i'm not trying, please, tell me what to do to show you that i'm trying
Lisa6534: i was operating under the assumption that you were the one who had things to prove, but maybe i'm just being slefish
Lisa6534: I thought I was entitled to be
Lisa6534: and i guess that was wrong
SAMSONITE73: all i'm trying to say
Lisa6534: and i'm sorry
SAMSONITE73: is letting me prove things to you is different than being selfish
Lisa6534: i am being selfish because i am not just letting you matt, I NEED you to prove this to me
SAMSONITE73: i know that
SAMSONITE73: needing you to prove ti to me
SAMSONITE73: is different than being selfish
SAMSONITE73: in either sentence i used, that was my point, not the letting part
Lisa6534: i need to prove something to you?
SAMSONITE73: no
Lisa6534: that's what you just said
SAMSONITE73: i know
SAMSONITE73: i just messed up
SAMSONITE73: sorry
SAMSONITE73: i didnt mean to type it that way
SAMSONITE73: i meant me proving it to you
SAMSONITE73: sorry
SAMSONITE73: but it's still different
Lisa6534: I guess, in a way, I was looking at your willingness to try and help me with this, as anohter way for you to prove to me that you are willnig to work at this
SAMSONITE73: well okay, and i'm trying to help
Lisa6534: I know it wouldn't be something plesant to do, and she probably wouldn't be a fan of it
Lisa6534: but i honestly don't care what she wants
SAMSONITE73: but darlin here's the thing, it didn't mean anything
Lisa6534: or how hurt she is by this whole thing
SAMSONITE73: we've been over this
Lisa6534: and forgive me for not believing you
SAMSONITE73: ive told her i dont like her, that i love you, and that this cannot and will not happen ever again
Lisa6534: along with appologizing to her for it happening saying you are sorry....you said you said you were sorry
Lisa6534: that's what i don't get
SAMSONITE73: but you're not gonna believe me even if i did go and talk to her, so what exactly is the difference?
Lisa6534: why you appologized to her
Lisa6534: because i want to know that she said she won't do it again, i want to know that she understands, and i want to know why she did it
SAMSONITE73: because i fucked up to by allowing it, i just dont see what part of that you don't understand
Lisa6534: she should be appologizing to you for doing it
Lisa6534: what part of that don't you understand?
SAMSONITE73: well i figure that you'd know me well enough to know that i accept blame even when it's not totally my fault
SAMSONITE73: even if it's not my fault at all
SAMSONITE73: if i wasnt the solution, then i was part of hte problem
Lisa6534: this is going no where, I can't do this on IM
Lisa6534: I'm gonna go watch tv
SAMSONITE73: you can't do what?
Lisa6534: discuss this in circles over and over and over again
Lisa6534: I feel so helpless and out of control
Lisa6534: that's why I'm not eating
Lisa6534: that's why I went for a run today
SAMSONITE73: but there's nothing i cna do about it
Lisa6534: I need to control something
SAMSONITE73: and i cant help it that you're not eating
Lisa6534: i knwo you can't
SAMSONITE73: or wanting to run
Lisa6534: i'm just saying
Lisa6534: this is stressing me out, this talking ourselves in circles
Lisa6534: cause you've said all this before
SAMSONITE73: and all i'm saying is that you're trying to control a situation
Lisa6534: and i know what you're saying, and you act as if I am not paying attention
SAMSONITE73: that was completely and utterly out of your control
SAMSONITE73: no, i don't you act like i'm not paying attention, it's a two-sided street
Lisa6534: but i don't think you are taking what i have to say to heart
Lisa6534: because if you were, you'd have talked to her, or at least tried to
Lisa6534: rather than trying to convince me that it's pointless
Lisa6534: because you don't want to do it
SAMSONITE73: i don't think you're taking what i say into account either
Lisa6534: which is fine
Lisa6534: don't do it
Lisa6534: it is pointless
SAMSONITE73: well all i'm saying is that
Lisa6534: but really i want to go now because i'm getting upset again
Lisa6534: and i just showered, so I dont' want to go run again
SAMSONITE73: if i went and talked to her you wouldnt believe it anyway
Lisa6534: fine matt, i wouldn't believe it
SAMSONITE73: okay, i guess i'll talk to you later then
Lisa6534: don't do it
SAMSONITE73: you don't believe i love you
Lisa6534: do'nt do anything
SAMSONITE73: you just told me "forgive me if i dont believe you"
Lisa6534: this will work itself out somehow
SAMSONITE73: i see
Lisa6534: I just have to expect less, and work harder, and get over myself
Lisa6534: and listen to you
Lisa6534: and then things can go back to how they were
SAMSONITE73: no you don't have to expect less
SAMSONITE73: and don't patronize me
Lisa6534: yes I do, honestly the way you've made me feel through out this whole thing, is that I haven't worked hard enough, and i don't want it enough, and basically that things aren't all better because it's my fault
Lisa6534: and i'm not doing what i should
Lisa6534: this has comepletely and totally been turned on me matt, even if you didn't mean to do it intentionally
SAMSONITE73: that's not what i'm saying
Lisa6534: because I feel like i am working
SAMSONITE73: at all
SAMSONITE73: and i have not
Lisa6534: i am physically and mentally exhausted from working so hard
Lisa6534: and all i've gotten from you to show that you are sorry and it wont' happen again has been a lot of appologies and flowers
Lisa6534: which were beautiful
SAMSONITE73: what else can i do?
Lisa6534: but it seems like you don't want to do work either
Lisa6534: I don't know
Lisa6534: because what i want or need, you aren't willing to do because you don't think it's necessary, and that's all i'm going to say
Lisa6534: so it's in the past, I've told you how I felt
Lisa6534: and I won't say anything else about it again
SAMSONITE73: okay, ill go talk to her
Lisa6534: i swear
SAMSONITE73: and when i come back and tell you
Lisa6534: no don't matt
SAMSONITE73: what are you going to say? is that gonna help you?
Lisa6534: if you dno't think its necessary
SAMSONITE73: cause if you seriously think it will help, i'll do it
Lisa6534: i just would like to know, answers are always better than questions
SAMSONITE73: what i think is necessary is irrelevant
Lisa6534: don't worry about it
SAMSONITE73: no, i'm gonna talk with her
Lisa6534: cause really, if i have had to ask you this many times for you to take me seriously, then maybe it's not necessary
Lisa6534: and i'm just being ridiculous
Lisa6534: I'm trying to hard not to do things that i think aren't my place
Lisa6534: like tell you I never want you to talk to her or see her again
Lisa6534: that I think is ridiculous
Lisa6534: and not my place to tell you
SAMSONITE73: well i dont care about talking to her again, or seeing her again
SAMSONITE73: obviously i cant not see her if she's in class
Lisa6534: I just didn't think that this was so stupid, to want answers and ask you to try and find them
SAMSONITE73: but fine, i wont talk to her
Lisa6534: do what you want
SAMSONITE73: but if you can't believe me, how is it going from her to me to you going to be any different?
Lisa6534: I don't know matt
Lisa6534: I don't know what i'm looking for, I don't know what I need
Lisa6534: I don't know what i'm doing
Lisa6534: i just know that my best friend in the whole entire world has done something that i never ever thought he was capable of
Lisa6534: and i don't understand why it happened
Lisa6534: or what even happened
Lisa6534: because "she kissed me and i didn't stop her" isn't much of a description
Lisa6534: and so my imagination runs wild
Lisa6534: and honestly in my head
SAMSONITE73: well what would make you the most pissed off then darlin?
Lisa6534: i see the two of you making out for like 10 minutes
Lisa6534: and i picture you kissing her back
SAMSONITE73: just think of that, get that angry
Lisa6534: and that kills me, because from what i understand of you
SAMSONITE73: kick my ass around for it
Lisa6534: you dn't just kiss people
SAMSONITE73: and let me start trying to get back to where i want to be with you
Lisa6534: i don't want to kick your ass
SAMSONITE73: no, that's not true
SAMSONITE73: i don't think kissing is a big deal either
Lisa6534: and i don't want to think the worst
Lisa6534: and then work from there
SAMSONITE73: but I'VE NEVER HAD THAT MANY PEOPLE WHO'VE WANTED TO KISS ME
SAMSONITE73: or that look at me that way
SAMSONITE73: i didnt go out at all in high school really
Lisa6534: sot hat's why you kissed her?
Lisa6534: *that's?
Lisa6534: because she wanted to kiss you
SAMSONITE73: i didnt kiss a girl until 10th grade
SAMSONITE73: no, that's not what i'm saying
Lisa6534: I dind't kiss a guy until 11th grade
Lisa6534: I went to an all girls school
SAMSONITE73: i'm responding to you saying that i didnt kiss a lot of people
SAMSONITE73: and i've kissed a ton less people than you have?
Lisa6534: you said 9
SAMSONITE73: that doesnt mean i think it's a big deal
Lisa6534: i've kissed WAY more than 9
SAMSONITE73: i've just not had the opportunity to kiss a lot of girls
Lisa6534: i just assumed you took it more seriously
Lisa6534: and anyway
Lisa6534: that's not the issue
SAMSONITE73: no, not at all
SAMSONITE73: but it's part of the issue that i bring up
Lisa6534: i just am hoping to hear answers that will make me not have to completely not trust you
Lisa6534: that's what i want
Lisa6534: i don't wnat to start from scratch
SAMSONITE73: you already completely don't trust me!
Lisa6534: i have a hard enough time trusting people to begin with
Lisa6534: fine then, no answers, i'll think the worst
SAMSONITE73: that's not what i'm saying
SAMSONITE73: i'm just saying that you're not believing anything i say
Lisa6534: that's why i'm saying, do what you want, but not doing things i've asked, isn't a good way to get back to whre we were is all I was thinking
Lisa6534: and that I wasn't asking anything hard
SAMSONITE73: and you're not gonna trust the answers i give you
Lisa6534: you don't know that, at this point
SAMSONITE73: well that's what i mean when i say
Lisa6534: answers would be better than your cryptic responses
Lisa6534: make shit up
Lisa6534: lie to me and tell me you talked to her
Lisa6534: i jsut want to know
SAMSONITE73: haha, alright we'll do this right now then
Lisa6534: but this is dumb
Lisa6534: i'm gonna go
Lisa6534: and don't you dare really lie to me
Lisa6534: it's not funny
Lisa6534: i'm gonna go before i cry
Lisa6534: do what you want
SAMSONITE73: and now you're the one saying that this is dumb?
Lisa6534: yes i'm dumb
SAMSONITE73: that's not what i said at all
Lisa6534: i don't know what it is i ened from you matt
SAMSONITE73: well if you don't know, how am i supposed to know?
Lisa6534: i don't know
Lisa6534: because the things i've asked for, you don't want to do, like i said, and i don't wnat you to do anything that ou don't want to do
Lisa6534: but really, i don't want to cry again
SAMSONITE73: it's one thing
Lisa6534: i can't cry again
Lisa6534: i need to go
SAMSONITE73: that i haven't done
Lisa6534: i'll talk to you later
SAMSONITE73: okay, i'll talk to you later then
Lisa6534: well it's one thing that you did that caused htis problem in the first place....
Lisa6534: i love you
Lisa6534: i'll talk to you later
Lisa6534: thank you again for the flowers
SAMSONITE73: love you, bye
Lisa6534: they are gorgeous
SAMSONITE73: glad you like them
Lisa6534: and i'm sorry that i'm being stupid, and i promise from now on
SAMSONITE73: i love you, byebye then
Lisa6534: it's forward
Lisa6534: i won't ask anything else
SAMSONITE73: no, you're not stupid at all
SAMSONITE73: and i'm not saying you are
Lisa6534: although leslie though a re-enactment might be a good plan if you do come up here
Lisa6534: but i won't make you do that either
Lisa6534: ttyl
SAMSONITE73: okay
Lisa6534 is away at 8:23:48 PM.
Once again, I like it!
