"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
And more than anything, I want to hear your voice And hear you speak to me.
Today when you walked up to bed and I told you that I loved you You turned my way and said I ov ou oo, and I knew what you meant and I rejoiced in your love Given freely with a smile And yet, it's been four long years and that is the first time You've said those words to me. And I can't help but think how long those words have taken And mourn their absence.
And I know you love me for you've Cried in my arms and curled your body in my lap. I’ve nursed you and loved you and rocked you and covered you in kisses and you've Loved me in return in your own little ways With your smiles and hugs and your trust.
But I yearn for your voice and I wish I can Wave a wand and loosen your tongue so that we can laugh together and you can tell me About anything you want.
But for now, it's time to wait and watch And maybe someday soon You will say that you love me again And my heart will fill up with joy.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
It's a tragedy a first time but a Comedy the next and how can an ER visit Be so damned embarrassing? Wheeled into the trauma room and I can't help but notice the Printed labels for boxes of intubation and Cardiac failure and here I am, a failure But not that type...
And there are old people on beds in the hallways Bitching and moaning about the room they desire Instead of the cold hallway. They want sandwiches and hot blankets and a computer to play spider solitaire.
And I see them glare at me when I'm wheeled Into my trauma room, a young woman in their eyes, I feel their envy as the curtain to my trauma room swishes shut. They demand sandwiches but The doctor refuses to give me water Even when I beg.
And yet, bleeding out and delirious, I cannot help but feel guilty To have my very own trauma room In which I can be traumatized alone When I hear complaints outside From people who envy me.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Inside the womb, babies are quiet. But outside, the first sounds are cries -- There are cries of hunger, cries for food, cries of wanting to be held...
And what babies want most of all is to Feel safe and loved and tended -- That is all, and that is why they cry.
And I sometimes wonder, In this culture where we scorn the cries of the infants That we have forgotten how to listen to The crying in our hearts.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Sometimes I wonder if we should learn sign language together. A language of miming and gesticulating and everything that you do already anyway but with more purpose.
I see how hard you try to speak to me -- If I can't understand your clipped words, you play charades and mimic your words. I'll ask, "What color is it?" and you'll bring a brown cow to me, presenting it to me like a wise man presenting gold to the Christ Child.
And why shouldn't you present it as a treasure? For it is a treasure! It is your words, your meanings -- your voice. The cow is brown and the color is brown and the word you want to say is brown but the word comes out as "ow" and it makes me wonder why words can sometimes be so painful.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
The other night I woke up with you in my arms babbling deliriously in your babyish way from the fever that struck you hard. Not even eight months old and already you are seeking that connection through sounds and trying to talk and murmur through your fever.
And I loved hearing you talk, but I was glad when your temperature came back down and you cuddled back into my arms and finally fell asleep.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
You can lay on the floor and cry alone -- But what if I lay alongside you Splayed out like a defeated giant next to your tiny body?
Would you laugh when you saw me and climb along my body, as if it were a vine to scamper up, or would you still cry in frustration because you felled the giant without a single word?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Do not be afraid to cry out our names -- We are big and grumpy and tired, lumbering around like trees with new legs. But at the sound of our names, we snap to attention and look down at your way, ready to listen and solve the next big problem.
And even if the name doesn't come out right -- if Mommy sounds like Omni and Daddy sounds like Adni -- we are listening still and can hear your voice aloft on the wind.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Here is the time we wait two hours in silent prayer hoping against all hopes that the ER remains a distant place where other people (but not me) can go to in the dead of night.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Today, a cold stole my voice. It hid it somewhere deep within the crevices of the clouds so that the only sounds I could make was a whistling of the wind.
And my children called out to me asking me their questions and I could not answer anything except with a nod or a smile or a shake of the head unable to answer the constant question:
why
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Do not give me your pity. I don't want it. I don't want to be seen as someone too weak to stand against nature and cry out against it.
For grief is a funny thing and soon perhaps will be the time to weep but for now, let's stand against the wind and cry out against God.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
5 red blood transfusions 4 hospital rooms 3 IV injection sites 2 blood plasma transfusions 1 blood coagulation transfusions
... and I am still alive.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
There are many things that I would like to write about were it not for my heart being broken. There are feelings twisted together like spaghetti and while I have the fork poised over the noodles I am terrified to twirl it.
Because I know if I stab the noodles and wrap them around my fork then they shall untangle themselves and I will be forced to taste the bitterness and weep.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
"You don't have to be alone" is one of those lies that everyone tells you. How can I help but to be alone? Will you hold my hand and walk with me on this journey of anguish? Or will you watch from afar with concerned faces while I stumble through?
Make no mistake: I will get through this mess. Already, I have leapt and found my footing even though I've sprained all my toes. And I am not entirely alone, there are people Hanging up safety nets and handing me ropes to get out of this trap. And yet...
To face death is to be alone.
And I am still here, alone, trying to figure out where I am and who I am and why I am still here. And though I've grabbed onto the ropes, and wait as you pull me to safety I feel the sway of taut rope as the wind whistles through and reminds me of oblivion.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
I hate how everyone is sadder than me -- I'll blurt out the words, too shocked to know what I'm saying and instantly their faces will scrunch up in sympathy.
"I'm so sorry."
And I'll stare at them and feel bad because they look sorrier than I feel and I'll apologize for making them sad which only makes them sadder still.
And I am frustrated: am I not still alive? Can we not rejoice in the fact that my heart is full of blood and pumps out to my body so that I can stumble and smile and crack stupid jokes?
And I know that I'm broken and I know what I've lost and I know I am empty and still reeling from uncounted losses and yet there is gratitude budding on my lips --
For I am still alive.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
something I have been thinking about ever since I saw the Super Mario Bros movie is how once I took a "what Nintendo character are you" quiz and I got Waluigi. — Elinor
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