Young Writers Society

We are just imperfect people trying to help other imperfect people improve themselves. This is something i've had to learn over a short life where life has battered me down to my knees, and i've been forced to learn how to stand with the world on my back. JFK said, "Pray not for easier lives, but to be better men." I believe this, however, there is a hidden assassin hidden in this thought. It is okay for us to not be okay. It is okay for us to not smile every second of the day. It is okay for us to hurt. We must allow ourselves to hurt and feel pain and cry and just let our emotions out in every capacity to the depth of our soul.

I remember sitting on my bed and i had just finished crying. I asked myself, "Is that all i need to let out at this time? Is there anything else holding me back? Am i finally empty?" A flood of emotion filled my heart and i remembered the times being picked on in grade school, being shoved against the wall, being punched in the face, watching my mother cry and take hit after hit from my father, the moment my father changed and had to tell us all sorry, watching my mother forgive him and make him a better man. Or when the doctors told us heartlessly that my dad had cancer, the time when my dad lost his job the day before his first chemo treatment. The time my brothers smashed each others faces in and ended up in the hospital with me in the bed right next to them because when you try and be the peacemaker both sides turn against you. The time i had to defend the woman i was in love with from seeing the monster that i was becoming from not releasing my emotion. The time i lied to my mother of where i was. The time the doctor told me my father had 4 months to live. Or maybe it was the time that i didnt say goodnight to my father after a 12 hour shift at work and the next morning i wake up and my father was dead. Maybe it was the time i had my mentor rip me a new one while we walked for three hours while he told me to grow up and hide the pain and be a real man. Maybe it was the time my best friend called me a fatherless bastard, and while redundant, it hurt and changed my relationship with her for eions. Maybe it was the time i realized that my mentor was a devil in sheep's clothing and he was manipulating me through my depression and was grooming me to become what he wanted me to be. Maybe it was the time i realized i was officially friendless. Maybe it was the time when i sat on a park bench in front of my school weeping and the adults who stopped to ask me what was wrong had no answer for me when i said, "My father is dead and i don't know what to do about it!" Then they left me alone and i never saw them again. Maybe it was the time that i had to forgive myself for underachieving my whole life and accept that, but i wasn't able to forgive myself completely so i cried harder.

All these things at once filled my head and i cried and cried until i nearly induced vomitting.

Was that all?

No. Maybe it was the time my sister held me close and tried to drown out my mother's screams while my father beat her and broke the wall. Maybe it was the fact that i have been trying to figure out how to lose weight my whole life and find the motivation to do so and i am sitting here writing this the heaviest i've ever been. Maybe it was the fact that i don't like myself. Maybe it's the fact that i have this beast inside me that must speak out and it eats away at me every day until i crack and write but whatever i write is not really what i meant to say. Maybe it's the fact that i love myself but don't know how to so i hide behind my weight as a reason to hate myself.

This could go on and on and on. What am i trying to say? Hell if i know!!! I don't know what im trying to say. I'm so frustrated that i could explode. I want my life to go how i planned it. But how childish is that? Who's life ever goes how they want it to. The girl i love is in China for a year. I am in North Dakota for 22 more months freezing in this -40 degree Fahrenheit weather trying to give people a message that could change their lives and bring happiness to them.

Why am i so bipolar? Maybe im not. Maybe im just masking over my true emotions. This rage that sits in my chest. It has to be good for something! it must speak out. it must release itself with enough force to purge itself completely from my chest. I must speak out i must get my message to everyone. Why is no one listening to me?? I don't know but i am raging in my mind and my heart burns with scarcely matched intensity to make a difference, to make people listen to what i have to say.

Don't get me started on politics. If you are so far left that you think someone owes you insurance, a job, a house, a new liver and a laser eye surgery than you are mentally ill. If you are so far right that you think all immigrants should be hunted down and shot or removed from the country and that no one other than you deserve happiness or a big house or food or insurance or a CEO job or a raise at the end of the month than you are a douchebag and you should leave this country. If you are so conservative that you think gays are horrible people and you think we should kill them all and euthanize this generation than you are a terrible person. If you are so liberal that we should have pot smoking breaks in schools jobs and church and you believe that we can solve every problem that exists in the world than you are retarded and need to rethink things. Everyone should meet in the middle. Also, who cares who the president. To get elected they all have to sell the same lie that sounds quite bluntly like this, "We give a shit what you have to say only because you are going to elect us for 4 years and in 4 years time ill sell you this exact same lie when in truth i dont give a fuck about who you are and i hope you die so that i can steal your 401k and the irs can seize your house and kick your broke ass family out on the street. Thank you for your vote!"

The politicians, insurance companies, your favorite sports team, that hot guy who keeps buying you drinks at the bar, your "friend" who you keep giving rides to after school DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, YOUR FEELINGS, OR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU. Once you finally realize that, this life will be much more understandable. Once we all realize that paid clergy members don't care about you, that the pope covered up little boys being molested, that joe paterno covered up college kids being raped, and that most churches preach to the will of men and hate all free thinking people, than you will finally understand what this life is all about. We must fight for happiness, free thinking, free speech, and all things liberally minded (not liberal as in politics). We must choose to love ourselves and make this life all we can. We must be prepared to work hard all our lives and then die at the end having loved all we can and all who ever gave us love. Never believe what people tell you. Question everything. Question religion. If a religion preaches hate of anyone, than that religion is false i can promise you that. If any religion tells you that you must give $50 to the preacher so he can receive inspiration on the next sermon, than it is wrong. IF anyone claims to have received inspiration from God than ask them intimate details of what you must do. If things don't add up, then they are lying. If they doublecross their own words than anyone is lying. You must expect to be lied to by all people.

Women, wait for a man worth spending your life with! Make him work for your love but also know that good men know when they are being used so love him in return. DO the flower and a card a week do the special dates. Save sex for marriage. If you give him what he wants before then, he wont stay. My Grandpa put it this way, "If a farmer gets the milk for free, he will never buy the cow." Never give the boy what his body longs for. Fight for love. I mean true love. Sex is not true love. Sex is sex. It has become distorted and robbed of its beauty by pornography and sex outside of love.

Men, avoid pornography. It will destroy you as a man, it will ruin marriages, and it will destroy your sense of self and what you understand now to be your self-esteem. Do not go after the slutty girl at the bar. There are thousands of them. That's too easy and not worth it. Marry a low maintenance girl who wants a family, love, and many of the same dreams you want. Make sure she is loyal and will support you in your personal endeavors.

Life is normally much less enjoyable when alone and without love.

Show your emotions. SHow your appreciation for everyone who helps you. From a smile to a one million dollar check, thank EVERYONE.

I had a friend once who randomly went over and made a girl feel terrible about herself. I asked him why he did it, he said, "I will never see her again, so who cares?"

I think this is the exact opposite from what i would do. If you are never going to see someone again, why would you want that person's one experience with you to be terrible? Why not make her laugh or smile at her or help her with her groceries. DO SOMETHING GOOD always! We can do this. These are not hard things.

Love everyone despite color, creed, religion, nationality, favorite sports team, sexual orientation, favorite song band or artist, favorite hobby, or whether they are a total dick to you all day everyday. Love them anyway. Love them.

Have the courage to love.

Have the courage to fall in love again after that boy or that girl breaks your heart and you feel like you will never be whole again. Guess what?? You will be! The pieces will come back and you will love yourself again! You will love again. It will happen if you let it.

Have the courage to chase your dreams.

Have the courage to love life and enjoy yourself.

I remember being so afraid to stand out that i would hide my happiness if the mood was somber and i'd avoid it. Now i destroy the present mood and substitute my own. My friends now are real and they love it when i laugh smile and share jokes. They find me funny and they love me and prove it everyday even though i don't ask them to. My life is not perfect. I am alone most of the time and i miss my father who died when i was just 14 years old. However, i have the courage to love and i am not afraid to love life despite my setbacks.

I have underachieved most my life, i am overweight, i have a dream to be an author, i hate it when people tell me i will fail, i miss my father and i long to be with him, i pray that my sister will be okay because now she has cancer too. I pray that i will be okay. I pray that i will find love and i search for the woman that will love me for who i am and will stand behind my career and support me just as i support her. I pray i will have the courage to smile and laugh through the darkest times of my life just as i have done in the past. I pray that someone will love my words and will love me for what i have had the courage to say. I love you, whoever you are that reads this. God loves you and i pray that you feel that love everyday.

I love you. Do you love me?