Young Writers Society

I tear up the foil
from a container, as I place
my lips on its mouth. I tend
to sip out its liquor; I can feel
the dewdrops damp on
my taste buds
The sweet savor of nature gathers
its freshness,
still preserves in my mind.

Okay, hmm..

I'll be honest. I'm not sure if I understand what you're saying, but I think I like it.
Maybe you should try to describe your feeling a bit more -it seems you're hungry and enjoying a great snack . You might want to change a few words, like (mouth).

Anyway, it's not so bad. I think you have a great chance ahead of you. I also like: (to sip out its liquor) It makes me feel like you're a vampire or something.

Keep writing.

To be honest, while this isn't bad, it's rather bland. A lot of it has to do with the language, but also with the images. In the case of the language, you've got a lot of vagueness, and it could be much more specific/descriptive. For instance, what type of container are we talking about? Is it a jar? A bottle? A soda can? A bowl? A bit more specificity would make your poem more grounded and easier to visualize.

As for images, the ones you have, in addition to being vague, are not particularly unique. Things like "nature is sweet" are quite basic, and as such, they've been done many times before. They also lack specificity.

Try describing things in a way you haven't heard it described before, or making comparisons you've never considered before. It's not the easiest thing to do at first, but with practice, it becomes much easier. Right now, you've taken a few tentative steps, but it seems like you've stopped before you really got started.

Sometimes you'll wind up with crazy images. That's great. The trick is to make those crazy images work so that, when they look at it the way you did in your poem, your reader realizes that it's not so crazy at all.

For example, after a bit of thought, I came up with the comparison of peeling off the lid to dealing with sunburn. Something like "I peel off foil like flakes of sunburned skin" brings to mind a tedious, sometimes painful, but necessary task, and it's a bit more memorable than "I tear up the foil".

Just keep in mind that unique images tend to lose their effect if there are too many different images. The best images tie into other images throughout the poem and act as a unifying element. Keeping with the sunburn example, the container could be referred to as a succulent plant, with the liquid compared to the soothing of aloe.

So don't be afraid to get a bit more daring with your images, and pay a bit more attention to your word choice. The more specific a word is (within reason), the more vivid it is. Just be careful to avoid abusing the thesaurus (using a dictionary to check for proper usage is a must) and try to avoid phrases that send your readers running for a dictionary every other line.

Hmm... I don't think I'd call this silly. It's not a bad poem, and it certainly has its moments, but it's neither yet great nor silly. The tone is neutral, detached even (though not fully so); I cannot tell the speaker's feelings, apart perhaps from his/her enjoyment of moist sweetness.

Experimentation is all well and fun, but here it seems as if the speaker is trying out new things without much poetic effort - I can't really call this stream-of-consciousness either, since that would imply the speaker as a thinker of only full sentences: unrealistic.

The beginning is promising. The foil-tearing and mouth-putting are plain as with the rest, but that is quite acceptable! An introduction need not be exactly equal to the rest of a poem in tone - as long as it intrigues potential readers and adds to the overall quality, it has done well. (Granted, some would argue that the opening must be the best part... but a poem is not an academic essay).

Images: I believe Kyllorac has before me spoken well on the matter. I can add no more except to say that your current images can stay, provided you add to them the vivid details you are currently letting us miss out on.

Overall, I think that this piece has plenty of potential if you expand it ambitiously and boldly! Keep writing. =]