Young Writers Society

Okay, poetry workshop poem. Enjoy, tear it apart, etc. *hides* Suggestions, comments and crit welcome. I've been told it's not so subtle in places. What do you think?


Dreams and Fantasy

Let me know, darling, when you dream,
. . . . . . . . . . so that I may sketch your face into the shadows
and draw your eyes in the stars. Whisper your secrets,
. . . . . . and your sweet nothings into my ear, darling,
so that I may carve them into stone and tree. And when you have nothing left,
. . . . . .let me tell you of a dream where the sun never sets and the swans
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . never fly home for winter. Where our love will never fade,
and where you and I may live forever, but.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Didn’t you once tell me that some things
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . were never meant to last?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And that that was the beauty of the world?
Yet, we, you said, were not awake to the rest of the world,
. . . . . . . . . that there was more to it than dreams and fantasy.
Let me know, darling, when dreams clash with reality.

This was really nice and simple, you made the most simple words have a deeper meaning. This was really, really nice my friend.

Hello there, Scarlett! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

This is a very pretty piece. If I had to choose one word to describe it, I would use the word "serene." The way you wrote it is very peaceful and made me imagine a very peaceful place, somewhere I'd want to live. In fact, it's also someplace I'd like to draw. You may have inspired quite a few spiral notebook pieces of art.

and where you and I may live forever, but
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . didn’t you once tell me that some things
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . were never meant to last?

That's just a small error I picked up. I have a feeling that it was just a typo.

The only significant criticism of this piece is the way that you repeated one word too many times. That word is "darling." It's a very lovely word, but I feel that it's also a word that should be used sparingly, because it can destroy the feeling of a poem. I don't feel like it destroyed this poem, but I do feel like some parts of the poem would be better off without it. It's just my taste. If you like how you used it, keep it the way it is.

Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hi Lette!

I know you posted this a little while ago, but I’m here to review it regardless. I’m trying to clear out my works with 1 review list.

I like this poem, I think you’re doing good things with your lines, I like the formatting in that it gives the right kind of feel for a hazy poem, a dreamy memory almost. You also have a good handle on imagery at the moment. Though, that said, I think that you do need to work on subtlety as you said. I think for this kind of poem we need a smooth transition between lines – your format is working for you here – but your language is restrictive. If you shucked the idea of being poetic, what kind of language would you be using? Loosen up and let your honesty slip through; you have a lot to say in your own voice, without using the poetic imagery. Start from there and then add little bits of imagery or suggestion to thicken your ideas. While I like the poem I think I don’t see enough of you in it, and I think that’s what’s stopping the poem from being really awesome.

Strip back and add slowly, is my general point. Any questions and such, hit me up.

- Penguin.