Young Writers Society

Oh! the silver moon,
reflecting in the dead lake,
awakens the night

resurrects the woods,
the darkness rises once more.
How the crickets sing!

Damp beneath my feet -
bare and naked footprints left.
Dry leaves hide my path.

My chambre robes, white,
loose around my wood-bruised knees,
fly in the night's wind.

I twirl in the dark,
the night is my only light,
the shadows join me.

A dip in the lake,
my pulse is a tsunami
destroying the moon.

A sparkling ray
drives my soul away, kills me
along with the night.

Oh! the silver moon,
reflecting in the dead lake
slowly dies away...

Wow Mikko! This is a piece of art! I wish that I could say more but, that basically sums it up right there! I love the imagery you give us! However, I noticed that you used less and less punctuation as the poem went on. (Every line to just two lines), Was this on purpose? This poems also just brings about the question: "What was your inspiration?" Well... Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem with us, and, please... Never stop writing!

Hey! I thought that this poem was really cool, I've never read a poem made out of haiku! I think sparkling can be read different ways even if there is only one correct way to pronounce it. Maybe switch it out with another word? Glittering would fit also...but feel free to keep it as is!

There was two other mistakes I saw throughout this piece, which was the punctuation and capitalization.Like in the second and third stanza, should resurrects and damp be capitalized? And the first stanza ending in a period, but it depends on how you wanted them to be read. Other than that, I really enjoyed it!

Keep writing!

~chezka

Hi Mikko!!!

This is a wonderful poem! It expresses the serenity of night-time nature and still somehow manages to tuck in a little bit of fear! I can't see any big problems with this, so anything I do say will be nitpicks. Here goes!

Oh! The silver moon
reflecting in the dead lake
awakens the night,

I absolutely love this part. So pretty!!

resurrects the woods.
The darkness rises once more.
How the crickets sing!

My favorite part of this is the first line, where you wrote about 'resurrecting' the wood. Great choice of words there.

Damp beneath my feet,
bare and naked footprints left.
dry leaves hide my path.

This could've been my favorite part of the poem, but somehow the way you wrote it was just a tad confusing. This is the only part of this poem I might spend a few minutes looking at and editing.

My chambre robes, white,
loose around my wood-bruised knees,
fly in the night's wind.

There are two things I'm unsure about in this part, the first of them being the spelling of 'chambre' in the first line. Perhaps you meant to say 'chamber'? Or maybe It's just me. I don't know. The second thing I'm unsure about is how you referred to the 'night's wind' in the third line. I think that 'night wind' might sound better. Again, it could be just me.

I twirl in the dark.
The night is my only light.
The shadows join me.

The second line of this part is so awesome! I like how you wrote about the night being your 'only light'. It's almost a play on a night-light, which I like. So cute!

A dip in the lake.
My pulse is a tsunami
destroying the moon.

Love this.

A sparkling ray
drives my soul away, kills me
along with the night.

No corrections. This is perfect just the way it is.

Oh! The silver moon,
reflecting in the dead lake
slowly dies away...

This is my favorite part of the whole thing, and a perfect ending at that.

Amazing work!!! Always keep writing!!

-Rose

Hi, Mikster! I'm not a poet, but I can certainly leave behind some thoughts.

First of all, I loved your imagery. Like... you painted a gorgeous picture. I loved how peaceful it felt to read it, and it was very... warm. For lack of a better word. xD But I really loved it. You've got a good grasp with imagery, which is beyond brilliant! Great job on that.

To answer your question, I think sparkling is two syllables? Spark--ling. or something. *looks it up* Ah, dictionary.com says spar--kling. Two syllables though? So you can play with that!

There was only one confusion I had, and that was when the speaker came in. The one dressed in white. I wish I could've had a better grasp as to what they were doing there or who they were. I could be silly and misread things, which I typically do a looot, but! It did confuse me. She seemed out of place, which is certainly what you were going for, I assume! But it was a little too random, in my opinion. I couldn't quite tie it altogether, but I don't know how to go around making that clear since I don't really know! It has something to do with the end though, and since I can't seem to tie it altogether, the ending isn't as satisfying for me as it could be. It's probably just me though!

I will admit? This reminded me of the movie Swan Princess. I love that movie. so. hard. I love it. I watched it all the time. I don't know if that was intentional? But I loved it. xD It made me incredibly happy 'cause I loved that movie so much. sosomuch.

Anyhow, I think this was very nice as a whole! I can only reiterate so many times how much I love your use of vocabulary/imagery. Very lovely.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!