Young Writers Society

To censor me
would be to
mummify
the metaphors and similes
as they crawled to life on my tongue.

This soul-shattering act occurs
whenever I drink from my gene pool.
A greasy puddle filled with
cigarette butt tadpoles
and smashed dreams lily pad's.

It's why I revert to a
porcelain china doll
forgotten in a
dusty attic.
Cracked face,
Spider web veil,
hiding my fragile state
from this decrepit doll house nightmare.

I hide away these pages,
yellow and weather,
in my rib cage.
Protecting them from
the Poetic Gestapo.

And when I'm filled
like a novel,
I sneak away,
while the king of this nightmare slumbers,
to spill forth my
blood and anger and tears,
spreading them to other's like
SARS.

The idea is really nice, as well as the similes and metaphors used in the poem. But there is something lacking, It's maintaining the flow, when you're writing you have to take care that you don't lose the reader in the poem. It's nice though.
Sincerely,
Zaid

That title! I am in love with that title! Truly, it is a most marvelous title.

Unfortunately, the poem itself fails to live up to the insane expectations such a marvelous title had instilled within me. Part of this had to do with how insane my expectations were; the rest had to do with the technical aspects of this poem.

Grammar-wise, you've got some issues with pluralization/possession, most noticeably with how you used a apostrophe a couple of time to make things plural, but also in how there's some number confusion going on in lines like "and smashed dreams lily pad's". Are the dreams the property of the lily pad, or vice versa, or are the dreams the lily pads, or what? It's not clear because the plural/possessive confusion makes it so.

You also break sentences into fragments with periods a couple of times which really broke up the flow of ideas. In those cases, an m-dash, colon, or comma would be more appropriate and break apart the flow much less. Adding to the flow breaking is the placement of some of your line breaks. They feel forced, unnatural, and far too obtrusive.

Taking the first stanza for example:

To censor me
would be to
mummify
the metaphors and similes
as they crawled to life on my tongue.

The hanging "to" acts like a blind cliff and leaves your poor reader dangling for dear life until they can regain footing on the ledge below. Meanwhile, the position of the lonesome "mummify" draws attention to how it changes the meter from a nice iambic to... something else. That they're right on top of one another makes for a rather noticeable bump in the flow.

Lastly, you have a lot of interesting metaphors and similes here, and I really like some of them, however, you have a lot of them stuffed into one bare-bones poem, which means none of these lovely ideas had the time to be developed and explored before a new one was tossed at the reader. There's also a bit of jumping around between the ideas, and the lack of transitions really doesn't help the flow of ideas.

I suggest focusing this poem a bit more. Right now, it's all over the place, and while it goes to some interesting places, a person can only travel so far so quickly without getting tired or lost.

P.S. - Where's the gallbladder?