Young Writers Society

To my Dearest "Friends"
My eyes burn with tears, and my hear is scalded black,like the core of your soul.
If you hate me, why don't you just say so?

Loneliness clings to my back and embarassment clouds my mind, oh,
If you hate me, why don't you just say so?

My calls go unanswered and my pleas, unheard go.
If you hate me why don't you just say so?

I can see the pictures, from last nights fun and the stories which hurt me so.
If you hate me, why don't you just say so?

I tore up your notes, and all of my love.
If you hate me why dont you just say so?

I've forgotten your numbers and your names are cleared.
If you hate me why didn't you say so.

Now you take care, and I'll say it too.
I hate you.

Oh and by the way?
Fuck. You.

Wow.

Hi there Icon!

I love how you put so much emotion in your piece. It let us know that you were truly feeling it, and writing your heart down. You should've seen me while reading. I was totally imaging this in a movie. xD You did a great job. Although, you forgot the question mark on the last question. And I'm really sorry for your situation, but as you may see, it's somehow good, cause it makes you write great stuff. And don't worry, the day will come when you finally meet people who appreciate the beautiful person that you are. ^_^<3

Keep writing!

~Solly<3

This poem isn't bad, it has a good meter and rhyme scheme, but a few things did trip me up. First off, I don't like the constant repetition of that one line. When I write poems like this (and this is just my opinion) I like to put a few (2-4) lines in between each repetition. Otherwise I feel like it just sounds awkward and forced. Also, I feel as though a 12 year old is having a pity party. It's not the theme or anything that's making me think that, it's the non-descriptive nature of it. Try to elaborate, what started the fight? I understand he/she hates you and you're fighting, but WHY. All you say is that they don't call you (as if you're dating or something) and that you're embarrassed. Elaborate.

Here's my suggestions on the format:

To my Dearest "Friends"
My eyes burn with tears,
and my hear is scalded black,
like the core of your soul. I would make these two separate stanzas, for the sake of meter and rhythm. Also, did you mean ear?
If you hate me, why don't you just say so?

Loneliness clings to my back and embarrassment clouds my mind, oh, I fixed the spelling error here.
If you hate me, why don't you just say so?

My calls go unanswered and my pleas, unheard go.
If you hate me why don't you just say so?

I can see the pictures, from last nights fun and the stories which hurt me so.
If you hate me, why don't you just say so?

I tore up your notes, and all of my love.
If you hate me why don't you just say so? Fixed spelling error.

I've forgotten your numbers and your names are cleared.
If you hate me why didn't you say so.

Now you take care, and I'll say it too.
I hate you.

Oh and by the way?
Fuck. You.

I'd like the begining...It look that you really 'hate' when hated by your own friend.Or you feel betreyed when your friend didt tell you that she/he doesnt like you.But I think (just my opinion)you really dont like your 'friend' too.dont u?

'Now you take care, and I'll say it too.
I hate you.

Oh and by the way?
Fuck. You.'

by the way,you are the best poetry.but please be careful about what you gonna write on your poem,because other people will know how is your attitude based on your poet.why dont you write like this,

'Now you take care,and i'll say it too.
I hate you even though i doesnt.

Oh and by the way?
Fuck.Me.'(LOL,it seem cool,just like what spongebob had said to his bestfriend Patrick.but by the way,you're not him:D)

I'm going to briefly talk about poetry, not necessarily this poem in it's entirety but publishing poetry.

I think people write poems for a number of reasons, one being to express inner anguish, but when you publish poetry across this medium I urge you to take care.

It is important as an author, to know what to cut and what to keep, what to share and what to bury. When you publish work of this nature, you are publishing a stream of thought, it's not great writing alone, but you touch upon some interesting albeit private elements. I believe this would be better suited to a diary blog entry. It feels unrefined, a rant scrawled with brutally blunt pencil stuck in a trembling fist -- and that's fine, but it doesn't make for great reading.

There is no allegoric push, no figurative language. The word choice is poor and the structure too simple, too ineffective. I understand why you wrote this, I really do. But why you published it is beyond me. I know it seems harsh, but the sooner you realise how useful carefully constructed metaphors and powerful images are, the better. Because as it stands I don't take anything from this, all I know is someone upset you, but why should I care? Be more subtle, use your unique insight construct a premise in which you can cultivate emotional response from the reader.

Hope this helps.

JP

EDIT: also take care with ratings, this should be atleast 16+