Young Writers Society

Hello everyone,
I made this poem during the 2 minute silence in my science class... It's a short and to the point kind of poem.... And I already know how bland it is .... But I think it gets my message across fine enough ...
Lorna
xx



Everything is silent,
Sitting row by row,
Waiting for the leader,
To sharply shout "GO!",

Over the top into hell,
The first bullet flies,
One man gets hit,
Now lying he dies,

I'm sitting here writing ,
Letters ready to send,
To my loved ones I say,
"Will this mass murder ever end?"

Hey Lorna
Here as requested!
Well, I love this poem. It is indeed short, but carries a lot of emotions across. Here's some nitpicks:

To shut "GO!"

- to shout, I think. Also, this line seems shorter than the other ones, it breaks the flow. Add another description into that line, and it'll be great!

Over the top into hell,

- great line.

The first bullet fly's,

- the first bullet flies.

Now lying he dies,

- ummm.. not dies, dying is better, or falling, he dies. Lying he dies doesn't sound too good.

I'm sitting here writing ,
Letters ready to send,
To my loved ones I say,
"Will this mass murder ever end?"

- I love the last verse. Amazing. Although 'mass murder' could be replaced by something more metaphorical.

Otherwise, I love it, you carried emotions well, and you can always expand on this poem if you wanted to.
Very strong emotions in here. Well done.
I hope the souls of those who died rest in peace.
Keep writing.
polly xx

Hai Lorny dear!! =)
Woot! Second to review XD Okay so I just want to say that this was a good poem and indeed short and straight to the point. And I kind of like those. I have trouble staying concentrated when reading very long poems XD
So it was simple and nice.
There's a good imagery behind it, and this poem shows that you don't have to write something with a lot of very complicated words to make it sound good. There's a great rhyme in it too (and I'm totally jealous of that, because I always fail at that point XD).
And here are a few nitpicks:

Waiting for the leader ,

There's a space between the last word and the comma.

To shut "GO!" ,

Same thing here, remove the space in front of the comma. =)

I'm sitting here writing ,

And same thing here =)

Okay so those were my nitpicks! You should also go fix the grammatical errors who polinka pointed out and this write will be even more awesome! =D

Hope this helped a little.
Keep writing!
-qaralynn-

Wow. I love your style and the message that you send here! It's a great way of showing your opinion about violence and war! Just like the other reviewers, I am going to have to point out a minor detail or two. After quite a few of your lines, you place the comma after a space instead of just right next to the word. It's probably just a small mistake, so, that's fine! Other than that, I absolutely love your writing! Keep it up Lorny!

Hai There Lorna=) Um I Love Your Perfect Timing Because Todays Remmorance day And The Way You Describe The War And Every Detail Is Fantastic,Really Drawed Me In !! Well Done !
Keepp Up The Writing ;D xoxox
-Siann:)