Young Writers Society

I wrote this poem a while ago for my passed grandpa, I know it's not perfect but let me know what you think!

His smile so aged and wise,
His bright and vibrant blue eyes.
His leathery, calluse hands,
His dusty collection of rubber bands.
His refrigerator stacked full of cokes',
His witty and clever and hilarious jokes.
His wispy, silver hair.
His now empty, lonesome rocking chair.

We used to just sit and draw.
From eleven to half four.
And then we'd walk through the greeny wood.
I'd try and keep walking as long as we could,
But he told me we had to head back.
And that we did the cracked dirt track.
The sun was searing, the heat was unfair-
But as long as I was with him I just didn't care.

I knew he was sick, I'd heard Mum talking.
She had told me that's why we couldn't go walking.
I can still remember, waking up before dawn.
How the phone erupted, that early Monday morn.
Mum's eyes began to water,
Justifiably, as my grandfather's daughter.
And mine started flowing too,
And I prayed it all wasn't true.

The car ride was horrid,
Sweat and tears running from my forehead.
The reek of antiseptic brought me to my knees -
And I refused to stand despite my Mum's pleas.
What was the point in the world?
When someone you love was just taken and hurled!
I lay on the ground feeling broken and flat.
His aged smile, gone, just like that.

Hi again AngusMacdonald.

You're awesome, boy. You put so much emotion into this poem. I'm normally not this honest, but my eyes watered as I kept on reading. I wouldn't change anything at all from this piece. You took this situation, and even though it's sad, you transformed it into beautiful art. This... this poem is now glued to my heart like a sticker. You keep on writing, that's your thing<333

~Solly<3

Okay, I'm crying right now!!
What an amazing, sensitive, LOVELY, well constructed poem... It made me remember MY dear grandpa and how we used to sit together to see the sunrise...
But I need to put my emmotions down to give you my poor opinions, right?

AngusMacdonald wrote:His smile so aged and wise,
His bright and vibrant blue eyes.
His leathery, calluse hands,
His dusty collection of rubber bands.
His refrigerator stacked full of cokes',
His witty and clever and hilarious jokes.
His wispy, silver hair.
His now empty, lonesome rocking chair.

This is perfection to me, honestly! And what an amazing line, the last one... It breaks the moment and brings us to the reality. It is like they are our memories, you know, and then, all of a sudden, we realize the moment is gone... congratulations!

AngusMacdonald wrote:We used to just sit and draw.
From eleven to half four.
And then we'd walk through the greeny wood.
I'd try and keep walking as long as we could,
But he told me we had to head back.
And that we did the cracked dirt track.
The sun was searing, the heat was unfair-
But as long as I was with him I just didn't care.

The flow from the last stanza is simply gone, here... Maybe:
"After just sitting and drawing,
from eleven to half four,
we'd walk throught the greeny wood
and I'd try and keep walking as long as I could.
He would always say we had to come back
And that we did the cracked dirt track.
The sun was searing, the heat was unfair-
But as long as I was with him I just didn't care."

This is just a suggestion, okay?

AngusMacdonald wrote:I knew he was sick, I'd heard Mum talking.
She had told me that's why we couldn't go walking.
I can still remember, waking up before dawn.
How the phone erupted, that early Monday morn.
Mum's eyes began to water,
Justifiably, as my grandfather's daughter.
And mine started flowing too,
And I prayed it all wasn't true.

There are just three things I don't like here: the word "morn" (it just sounds like a forced rhyme), the line "Justifiably, as my grandfather's daughter" (it's too long. Maybe you could change to "Justifiably, as HIS daughter") and the word "and" at "And mine started flowing too".

I don't have much to say about the last stanza, except for "Good work here"...

Well, like I said, this is an amazing poem!!
Sorry if anything I said here sounded offensive to you, I swear it was not my intention.
Keep writing!!