Young Writers Society

In the hallway, our eyes don't meet
Like they used to
Our words are stale, we don't talk often
Like I want to
I don't know how to fix this problem,
I don't know what I did,
Tell me what happened, what went wrong
When I thought I knew you

Tell me what you think!

Well, for your first poem it's not all that bad. It's so small that there's not much to review, and I'm not the best poem reviewer in the world.

Try expanding on it a little more. I realize it might have been meant to be simple, but expanding it will help to capture more emotion and help the reader to understand it more.

With poetry you're not supposed to spell it out. You're supposed to present it in a way that the reader has to think a bit. Poetry is completely your own thing, and I'm preaching to the choir here, but it just seems like you spell it out exaclty what the problem is and because of that it lacks depth.

Our words are stale, we don't talk often

This is my favorite line by far. The use of the word, "stale" was perfect and it didn't spell it out like that rest.

Overall good start but it needs some work

PS - I can totally relate to this. It's really sad :'(

Hi there BlackRoz!

I'm Solly. Nice to meet you. Hm... this poem is good for a beginner. What I recommend you is to add a metaphor or two to compare your situation or feelings to other things. That is what makes poems beautiful to me. It's a lovely way to express yourself and it helps the reader understand what you're saying.

Best of luck! Keep writing!

~Solly<3

Like stargazer, I'm not a poetry expert. I think it's okay to spell things out for the reader though, but you have cliche wording.

Like they used to

Like I want to

what went wrong

These phrases, especially, reminded me of one of those popular pop songs. I think you can really add depth and in a sense personalize your poem if you describe these feelings in your own unique way. Don't be afraid to add complexity. It'll give your poem that more "poetical" touch. Such as you did with this line:

Our words are stale

It gives the reader room for interpretation. You have the skeleton; now just add the flesh. xP Happy versing!

-Crescent

Good start! I like the simplicity of it...short and sweet. I can totally relate to this poem. However, I agree that you could definitely elaborate more on it. Try using bigger words, maybe. A thesaurus could help. Maybe you could make another stanza, too about what it was like when you thought you knew this person. Hope this helps!

Hello there blackroz!!
I don't have anything to say that the others haven't already said but I just wanted to encourage you to expand on this and perhaps add some metaphors to it yeah. =)
This was a nice first poem! It is very frustrating when stuff like that happens to you and I can kind of feel that in this poem. Adding the metaphors would probably help showing the frustration even more.
Okay so...I'm not quite sure this was helpful in any way but I just wanted to say that you should absolutely keep trying at poetry!! Because it is a nice beginning. If you expand on this then please tell me. I will come back and give it a hopefully better review XD
Keep writing! <3
-qaralynn-