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Texan



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72 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 5401
Reviews: 72
Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:30 am
BadNarrator says...



Texan


North: Via the Rusted River

Take the first exit off the aorta and stay on
I-35 for about a half-day till you see a semi
diving into a cotton-field. Keep straight past
the barb-wire with a piece of someone’s

shirt caught in its teeth. You’ll see a smoking thing
grinding out ears and stalks.
You may find snow: Don’t panic!
Your grandma’s ashes are safely buried
somewhere,
and if you can get through
the City-of-Plywood-Windows, you’ll see
one thousand lakes,
skyscrapers and a police station
that looks suspiciously similar
to a cathedral.
In the City-of-Rushing-Water-Sounds there’s a pair of loons;
the male tucks his feet for the landing,
his mate sharpens her beak

below the surface film.





West: En Route to the City-of-Wendigos

Same distances but fewer trees. The cloud plateaus
remind me of a nurseries in time of war.

There is little precipitation
to anchor the Martian dust

and the exoskeletal homes
creep uncomfortably close to the asphalt.

Somewhere there’s a dead volcano.
Take my hand and I’ll show you

where the imaginary lines of our states
should be. Those toothpicks across the crater,

that’s a forest; the dry socket
beneath your thumb, a quarry.



East: A Love Song (based on true events)

When Byrd was still alive the good roads used to go
To Louisiana. Lean too far left
And you’ll end up in City-of-Waiting,
Arkansas.
The terminal is less cavernous
Than the Greyhound Station
In the City-of-Frozen-Heroes, but at least here
The pulled pork sandwiches aren’t as dry.
Look outside and you’ll see
What looked like poplars
From inside the plane. Somewhere
Behind a barn
A flock of Mormons congregate
To watch a sloth climb.





South: There’s a Riot Going On

Fearing the gerrymander
the Democrats fled
to Oklahoma and New Mexico
while we nodded

inside a yellow bus. I saw the bridge
where the evening bats were supposed
to erupt like a mushroom cloud of moths;
not that you’d know anything about that.

But you did sleep next to me
in the same aquarium; downtown,
City-of-Optical-Illusions. There you felt
the sand-paper skin of a frightened

ray, and stared into the censor-bar
eye of a speckled invertebrate
wedged between the rocks,
trying to tell you something.
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.
  





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Points: 300
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Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:54 am
bob says...



i like it
  





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103 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 284
Reviews: 103
Mon Nov 07, 2011 5:31 am
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TinyDancer says...



Hey there-

Gorgeous imagery and voice. You have a friendly, but authoritative tone and I loved all the examples and pictures you gave. Very personal and I can tell that this place means a lot to you. A few of the sections where you broke the lines up didn't make sense to me, but that may just be me reading it incorrectly. I love this poem and I hope you will continue writing ones like it. It was a lovely read! Keep up the great work!

Review mine? topic89976.html

~Jess
`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•

“The circus arrives without warning.
No announcements precede it.
It is simply there,
When yesterday it was not.”

`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•
  





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72 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 5401
Reviews: 72
Mon Nov 07, 2011 3:22 pm
BadNarrator says...



TinyDancer,

thanks for the feedback. I'd love to review your work. I'll take a look at it tonight. one thing though, can you mention some specific sections in which the line breaks confused you. I use enjambment a lot in my poems, but doing it well can be difficult.

thanks
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.
  





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1220 Reviews



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Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:28 pm
Kale says...



Just glancing at this, I found this piece visually confusing. It looks too spaced out, as if there's actually four separate pieces loosely tied together by a theme rather than this being one cohesive piece. Having stanza breaks like this:

the barb-wire with a piece of someone’s

shirt caught in its teeth. You’ll see a smoking thing

also don't help this initial impression. They honestly left me puzzled as I can see no reason to break a stanza right there. It's not as if this is a set-form poem, after all, and the gap in between "someone's" and "shirt" is very substantial and flow-breaking.

Reading through, I stand by my "four pieces loosely tied together by a theme" remark from earlier. Of the four sections, West was my favorite. The other three stanzas, I don't much care for due to the apparently haphazard stanza breaks. There's also the matter of how, particularly in North, the images are rather vague (i.e. "a smoking thing").

I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve with this, but it feels rather disjointed as a whole, and not in a ties-to-a-theme-to-reinforce-it way.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
  





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156 Reviews



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Points: 7297
Reviews: 156
Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:30 pm
KatTrain says...



hell yes round rock
rep-re-sent
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
  








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