Young Writers Society

tough luck
caught between
chest and head
daft and small
'till one can't afford
one little satisfaction

just one-
a little of that
because cords 'round the back
make this harder than it is-
harder, like pleasure

"excited" wanes
when veins' blood stalls,
and grainy bark
grows long
when days make for years
and "honest" dies with leaves in fall

like silos tangent to fields
are windows much more the silent gray
as dark meets light
does savior nick saved-
one but not the same

sand cries wave
like lips cry water,
just as minimal says
less is more
and drunk says
more wants more

all's the same
to reality,
savior-saved are
workbook dots
but lined with fading lead
and sacked up in holy brick
and holy page
and holy bread

desks crowd
flannel-like rooms
as one little neuron connects
to yet another,
that pointless learning game
pointless because thoughts are just neurons
and more of that

like a pile of wire
brains are physical,
and spiritual things
crack up
at petty abstractions and impressions,
because, like shiny marbles, they're still just marbles
at least to God

You've got some good imagery and metaphors going on. My creative writing professor would tell you to use capitalization and punctuation because you're not e.e. cummings, but I'll leave that alone. I don't think I have any improvements for you, but rather than just saying "I like this," I like to say specifically what I liked. So here are my favorite lines:

"and "honest" dies with leaves in fall"

"sand cries wave
like lips cry water,"

"and sacked up in holy brick
and holy page
and holy bread"

"because, like shiny marbles, they're still just marbles
at least to God"

I liked the poem as a whole, but these lines I thought were particularly strong - either in imagery or metaphor or both, or because of the repitition.

~Blue

I do like this poem. I really do. I like the idea of plainness, bluntness, to be put into poetry form; I like the themes you carried; I like the words and phrases you used. The poem calls out to the reader to be read, aloud in their heads, silently through their still-moving mouths.

Some of the words seemed jolting from the idea and the rhythm - "silos tangent" evokes something of an image, but not much of a feeling. That might be the idea, and I do love the word tangent, but it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. Do you know what I mean? It feels out of place, something other than the ride we signed up for.

I would have to say that my favourite parts are the third stanza (especially your phrase with "and grainy bark") and the last three lines of the fourth. There are so many awesome parts that it's hard to choose, but you've definitely got something here.