Haiku and Senryu

It's funny...the first two stanzas were so perfect, and then the typos began....

"A world once divine,
now struggles for breath under
metalic cladding.

black mist chokes the air
as flame’s scar warps the forest.
Yet willow buds sprout."

No comma after "divine," and "metallic" is spelled with two l's. Also, I was somewhat confused by "as flame's scar" because I thought you meant that FLAMES scar the forest, but you meant the FLAME'S scar WARPS the forest and...I don't know, I was just confused because of how it sounded.

"A tender mother
that seeks to feed her children,
hunts with savage hate."

Again, no comma.

But I think you had some great imagery. These didn't really seem connected, but you said it was a bunch of shorts. So I assume it wasn't meant to go together.

~Blue

Hello! As promised, review coming your way.

First, congratulations on another submission. It's good to see you producing regularly.

Now, the poems.

We've spoken already briefly about the first one. Whether you want to include the technical elements to make this a haiku or keep it as a senryu doesn't really matter. It's fine either way, it's your choice. But either way, I like this one. It's a very interesting way on handling the topic. Very refreshing. Also very good in terms of what it gives the reader. It leaves the reader with three questions: 1. Why don't you despise thunder? 2. Should you despise thunder at all? and 3. Why despise the ensuing calm? You've hinted at ideas, but not enough to give it away. You've tantilised the senses, but not slaked them. Excellent.

I'm not such a fan of the second one. First, it's a little confusing as to what season it fits in. You've overtly mentioned Spring and Winter, but 'lanterns' is an Autumn kigo. Very confused. Second, the imagery is good. The personification of Spring and Winter is clever. I particularly like the image of Winter weeping at Spring's triumph. But while this imagery is good in and of itself, it does nothing for the haiku. Like your earlier one about the fox, this one is somewhat simplistic. It's over too soon. It doesn't make me think. Everything about it is too obvious. Compare the open-ended nature of the first one to the somewhat closed nature of this one. The first one is memorable, this one is altogether forgettable.

I respectfully disagree with BlueAfrica about the third one. Your keriji was in the right place, however I would hesitantly suggest using something other than a comma. The obvious (and therefore 'safe') option would be a semi-colon. It links, rather than merely separating, the two ideas. Using a full-stop, however, is another (bold!) option. It would fragment the piece somewhat, and make the first line particularly punchy. Both of these could work in favour of this piece. 'Divine' is an excellent word-choice. It obviously has connotations of being 'heavenly' or 'transcendental'. This implies that the metallic cladding (and therefore human impact, and I suppose humans themselves) is somewhat less benevolent. A very clever, very subtle idea. Nice.

The fourth one is an improvement on the previous two, but not quite as good as the first I think. I liked the personification of flame. However, the syntax is a little confusing. Obviously you mean 'the scar caused by flame' but what you've written means 'the scar owned/worn by flame'. You intend the forest to be scarred, but you've written that flame is scarred. It should be an easy fix. Perhaps something like "As flame's blade [or possibly 'hand'] scars the forest"? Finally, the idea of the circle of life and the implication of good coming from something otherwise considered harmful is clever.

The fifth one is another one I'm not terribly happy with. It seems to be a confused mass of images, and I'm not quite sure what you're going for. Does no one know about this brook? Does man know and mark it on purpose? Does man accidentally and unknowingly mark it? While it's true that the haiku should force the reader ask questions, these questions do not serve to take the thought of the reader to new places. The questions the reader asks here are just circular and self-absorbed, struggling to understand the original idea. The fragments of a good piece are there. But you need to sift through the white noise and pick them out, dust them off. Also, the middle line seems clunky. Perhaps it could just be my tendency to pronounce 'wild' with two syllables (wi-yild), but the repetition of 'no' and 'nor' seems a bit of a mouthful.

The last one is almost superb. I'm struggling to decide what to do with the keriji. It could very well stay where it is, but putting it at the end of the first line would work too, and give the piece a different angle of impact. Either way, I'm not happy with the comma. These two ideas are too far removed to be separated by a mere comma. Perhaps either of these would work better?

"A tender mother -
She seeks to feed her children,
hunts with savage hate."

The keriji is the '-'. In this version savage hatred of the prey is linked closely with the desire to care for the children. A jarring juxtaposition of concepts, but one that has just the right amount of impact I think.

Alternatively:

"A tender mother
that seeks to feed her children. [or possibly '-']
Hunts with savage hate."

This is an antithesis to the previous example. It separates the hatred of the prey from the love of the children. I cannot decide which I prefer, but I'd prefer either of them to the current arrangement.

In conclusion, another excellent offering of haiku/senryu. Well done. The first is currently my favourite, but the final one could overtake it with some re-arranging.

Again, it is good to see you producing, and I hope this has been helpful. As usual, message me if you feel like discussing these (or anything really) further

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