Young Writers Society

I stand on this ledge;
watching the uncaring world below;
no one notices my practically invisible shadow
I teeter on the edge, waiting to fall.
I lean, tilting myself till I plummet off the edge.
My life flashing before my eyes,
as they say it always does.
Before I go; darkness blinds my vision.
My friends, my family; lost memories.
A coldness numbs me,
as death grasps me by his icy grip.
My eyes slowly close at last;
as my body is greeted by the cold, welcoming concrete below.
I'm no longer falling, my soul at peace
(I am at rest.)

Hey TheCircleWriter,

Great poem. Short, simple, to-the-point. Very well written. My critique? Throw in a few
more descriptive feelings and emotional extremes, then you've really got something going
for you.

Otherwise, I like how you characterised death. Maybe instead of saying:

as death grasps me by his hold;

You could say something like; 'Death grasps me with his cold, stone hands'
Or something along those lines...but great stuff.

Keep writing and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Miyakko

Circlewriter,

I'm going to agree with Miyakko here. There's no emotions in this for me to believe it. In a sense though, I kind of like how we're left with the feeling of, "So what?" I'm not sure if that was intentional or not - but that was how I felt, which sort of emphasizes that line of "nobody noticing".

But by doing this, those two lines you have about the speaker's life and family and having their life flash by becomes kind of pointless. And to be honest, sort of cliche.

I stand on this ledge;
waiting to see how they would react.
I get no response
to be honest, no one even notices.
I teeter on the edge, waiting to fall.
To plummet to my death.
So I jump,

I don't think we need that line there. Overall, I do love its simplicity. I would rethink the title. Is this really about the fall?

~ As always, Audy

I liked this as well! Towards the end the flow feels off to me.

So I jump,
my life flashing (flashes maybe?) before my eyes,
as they say it always does.(Always kind of messes with the rhythm here. Maybe you should consider something like: As everyone says it does, but it's your poem.)
My friends, my family;
a distant life I never really knew.
A coldness numbs me, (the coldness maybe? The coldness seems a bit more dramatic. Once again, it's your poem, not mine.)
as death grasps me by his hold;
my eyes slowly close at last; (Maybe: My eyes close for the last time. I think it helps the rhythm.)
I'm no longer falling.
(I'm finally at rest.)

This was a really awesome poem! I loved it! All the changes I would make are mostly based on opinion, so take them with a grain of salt. This was a great poem! Keep putting them out!

The others have said it all, and I agree. This lacks the emotion that drives short pieces like this. It is also a tough subject to avoid clichés in. I will bold them all for you, because this poem is blighted with them, and poetry is no place for clichés.

TheCircleWriter wrote:I stand on this ledge;
waiting to see how they would react.
I get no response
to be honest, no one even notices.
I teeter on the edge, waiting to fall.
To plummet to my death.
So I jump(jump? or hurl, or lurch, or step, or throw myself, or fall out, or lean out?,
my life flashing before my eyes,
as they say it always does.
My friends, my family;
a distant life I never really knew.
A coldness numbs me,
as death grasps me by his hold;
my eyes slowlyclose at last;
I'm no longer falling.
(I'm [s]finally[/s] at rest.)

Fix the bold parts and you will be grand.

JP

I liked this poem. It was very serious, with a deep meaning. I didn't like the use of the word till but I guess thats okay. If you used until it would've been too many syllables and kind of ruined the flow. So I guess you made the right decision there. But I am going to be picky and say there should've been an apostrophe before it, but yeah thats only if you are feeling like this poem really needs to be perfectly correct.

The story was really deep and touching and had me feeling like I wanted to cry. The last line wasn't as strong as the one before it. Why was it in brackets? I would rather you got rid of that sentence completely. I think the reader should be able to understand that you die when it says the line about your soul being at peace.

Deanie x