Young Writers Society

Rain
Rain falls to the ground,
It looks sad through my window.
Flowers droop and weep

Rushing Water
Rivers wind through hills.
Rushing water 'round the bends
Twisting and turning

Winter Night
Snow falls down softly.
Animals are deep in sleep
The fox stalks his prey

White Summer
The sharp sun beats down
Animals run for water.
Soon the heat will end

Spring Sings
Flowers are blooming.
The yellow daffodils sing
Birds answer their call

Well a friend of mine is so into Haiku.
Well. Lovely. I love how every culture has it's distinct form of poetry.
Awesome work

Hi there!

Rain: This has great imagery. I can definitely see the rain falling from the sky, pounding down on the flowers making them droop. Although, something about the word 'weep' in that last line is bothering me. I don't know, I know what you're trying to say, I just don't think it works. Anyway, feel free to ignore that comment. I think I'm just rambling now. On to the next one!

Rushing Water: I like how you made this water run through the hills because that's where most 'rushing water' is. You usually don't see much rushing water in a normal stream like the one in your backyard. You know what I mean?

Winter Night: Okay, I know what you mean by the second line of this one. You're trying to get the point across that some animals are in hibernation, right? Well, the last line kind of contradicts your second one, doesn't it? You first say that animals are sleeping and then you talk about the fox out hunting. Now, most people know that the fox doesn't hibernate, but the poem still sounds weird that way. If I was writing this, I would say 'A soft, white, blanket' for my last line. It would be kind of like a continuation of the first line. But don't change that line if you don't want to, that's just my suggestion.

White Summer: Interesting, I've never heard the term white summer before. Ah, heat. I hate the heat. I would much rather be freezing cold than hot. I really don't have anything to say about this one, it's great.

Spring Sings: I really like this one. It's got great imagery and you added personification in there! Good job! I absolutely love the spring time! Okay, maybe I'm a little biased and that's the real reason this is my favorite.

Overall these are really great haikus. I give you props because it takes me a very, very long time to write just one haiky and it's not half as good as any of these you just wrote. You used great imagery into all of these and I enjoyed reading them.

Keep writing!

Very nice poems! I love how each of them are describing the wonders of nature. I find nature very interesting which is why I loved reading your poems so much! Keep up the work.

I'm not a total fan of Haiku's but I liked one in particular.

Rushing Water
Rivers wind through hills
Rushing water 'round the bends
Twisting and turning

I liked this because, aside from the other's I think, it pained a picture for me. Nature is great, I love rivers mostly. For reasons unknown to me(: But for someone who's never seen one up close, you can tell them how they move. How they look. For me poetry is great, haiku's (if you know how to write them) are good as well. As long as you paint a picture for the blind person to see.
The other one's were good, but 'Rushing Waters' is my favorite. Nice job!

I'm a massive fan of haiku, and I'm prepared to say these are some of the best I've seen here. First, the good stuff.

1. Most of your kigo are excellent. (For those who don't know what a kigo is, read this.) The only ones I'd question are in the first haiku. Rains tend to be considered more of a Summer kigo, and drooping flowers are a Winter kigo. This makes the first haiku seem a little confused. Unlike in Japanese, however, 'rain' in English doesn't really have the connotations of summer, so while not strictly technically correct, it still works very well. Don't change it, but be aware of what seasons your kigo belong to. Other than that, all your other kigo are very good.

2. Excellent imagery. I know the word 'imagery' is thrown around a lot on this site, but here I think it is appropriate. Poetry demands efficiency of language, and haiku more so than most forms. The composer is forced to think carefully about each word used. You've done a good job of this. The scenes you've set are sketches, but they are still lucid and vivid. Nice work.

3. Some interesting choices of subject. I especially like 'Winter Night', 'Spring Sings', and 'Rain'. They contain three obvious and oft-explored subjects for the haiku composer. You, however, have managed to look at each of the elements in ways that aren't immediately apparent, and are a little more creative. It's refreshing.

Now, things to improve.

1. I know it's a total nit-pick, but as an aficionado of this form I'm a stickler for this. The plural of 'haiku' is 'haiku', not 'haikus'. Like sheep.

2. YOU ARE MISSING THE VITAL ELEMENT OF HAIKU IN EVERY SINGLE ONE! This vital element, of course, is the keriji. If you didn't read the article I linked above, I'll give you a quick rundown. Haiku generally present two juxtaposing and often contradictory or seemingly unrelated ideas, in a style that forces the audience to contemplate the relationship between the ideas. The critical part of this is the keriji, also known as the 'cut', that separates the two ideas. In Japanese this is made with a certain inflection in the word (or words) that contain the cut. In English, however, no such concept can be effectively explained, so the 'cut' in an English haiku is indicated by the strongest punctuation mark in the piece (for a brief outline of the relative strengths of punctuation marks read this). I know it's a popular thing to leave out all the punctuation in poetry, but haiku simply cannot work without it. The keriji must come at either the end of the first line or the end of the second line, splitting the haiku into two ideas, one that is two lines long, and the other one line long. The placement of the keriji is crucial to the message of the haiku. As for your haiku here, most of them are pretty obvious where the cut should go. For example,

Rain falls to the ground,
It looks sad through my window.
Flowers droop and weep

The full stop is the cut, splitting the piece into two ideas, two images; that of rain, and that of flowers. Simple, but effective. Some, however, are not so straight-forward. For example,

Snow falls down softly
Animals are deep in sleep
The fox stalks his prey

I'm not sure where you'd like the cut to go here. Where you put it drastically changes the meaning of the piece. If you put it after 'sleep', it indicates that the fox is a natural and beautiful part of winter, like snow and hibernating animals. However, if you put the cut after softly, the fox has a much more sinister aspect. In this instance his 'hunt' seems more like an ambush, because the hunting fox is connected with the sleeping prey. The same lines, two very different interpretations, and both are legitimate. It's up to you to decide which is intended.
In that vein, you might think that you can leave out the cut to purposely achieve ambiguity. This does work, but very very rarely. Haiku tend to be difficult to properly interpret as they are, and without a well-placed keriji you tend to drop your audience into a vast ocean of ideas without a map or a paddle. They tend to drown before they can drift to the islands of understanding that you're aiming for.

In conclusion, these haiku have so much potential to be very, very good. But without good keriji they'll never find their potential. PM me if you want to chat about keriji, or about haiku in general. It's one of my favourite forms, so I'm always happy to discuss it.

K.

Many naive people think that haikus are easy to write, but having a syllable restraint makes it harder to convey imagery that with other kinds of poems. However, AwesomeSocks, your haikus are very very good.

Rain- Very calm and peaceful, but gently sad. as im writing this its raining outside and your description fits perfectly.

Rushing water- this is very peaceful too. it makes me feel lonely whilst reading it. In my opinion, a poem which envokes an emotion is always good.

Winter night- this seems serene, until the last line. i found the image of the fox really vivid even though you only gave a brief description.

White summer- i feel that this is in africa, and zebras and elephants crowd a pool or river, thirsty for water.

Spring Sings- lovely. it reminds me of visiting my granddad many years ago...

Sorry if this review was kind of vague, i didnt really review them, all i did was relate to them.
which means that they are exellent.
Keep writing haikus because these are epic.

WOOOOWWWW!!! You make haiku writing seem so easy. Your poems are flawless as far as I can see and really paint an image even in those short three lines! I once tried writing haiku poems and mine are completely amateur compared to yours lol. Good job!

Wow! I can't write them to save my life! Wish I could...
This was a brilliant piece, you have serious talent when it comes to Description, I really felt "Running water" or was it rushing??? Either way it was my favorite, it brought back good memories :3 Great job and keep writing!