Young Writers Society

Walking on an open road
I stop;
this old dirt path stretches as far as the eye can see.
Nothing but gravel and dust,
that dries my eyes of any traces of tears.
Fog surrounds me, a deepening mist......
Where escapes a lonely,ringing scream.
Dying as it folds echoes and echoes upon itself...
My soul.
Like staring at the empty night sky.
When no stars are visible and nothing shines,
like my eyes. Barren of light.
Just nothing. Upon nothing. In emptiness that no one understands.
Silence and pain, bruises of the present and scars of the past.
That is me, forevermore.

That was really good! It really describes how it is to feel hopeless and depressed! Yeah, so really good and keep writing, I love it!

TheCircleWriter wrote:Walking on an open road What about here, is there a pause? A full stop? A comma? Or did you mean to keep it like that?

HenPen x

Hm, okay this maybe a little tiny bit harsh, so I'm sorry. :/

Okay, first off, you didn't have a structure which was really needed here cause then it was a drag.

2. There weren't puntuation marks at some places, like for the first line.

3. At the beginning of the sentence, the first word's first letter needs to be capitalized, which it wasn't from the second paragraph onward.

4. For one sentence you put two fullstops. Over there only ones needed.

5. ''Just nothing. Upon nothing. In echoing...'' your poems last couple of lines went. Over here, you can use the next line as soon as the fullstop stops the sentence.

Well, that was all, well done!

Keep rhyming,
-JT

I appreciate that you have Robert Frost in your signature, because this means that you know that Frost was, by and large, a stoic. I like that you combine the physical elements with the abstract, just as Frost did, but I think you maybe show too many of your cards at once.

"Walking on an open road
I stop,
this old dirt path stretches as far as the eye can see."

This is very real. I wouldn't mind more details of the road, or the sound of the feet scuffing in the gravel, the smell of the rising dirt against the damp. You don't need to go into huge detail but small observations can make it that much more alive.

"fog surrounds me, a deepening mist......"

I wasn't sure about the punctuation when I first read it, but then it reminds me of Cavino, he wrote once "smoke obscures the second paragraph" when describing the experience of reading a book and being immersed in the setting. It would be interesting to play around with punctuation that way.

"where rings a lonely scream;
dying as it folds echoes and echoes upon itself.."

I think it would be interesting if the scream were removed from its source, like you don't know if it's a girl or a man or an animal, and then the contrast of the initial sound piercing or raucous or thin or bellowing, to the death of it. I don't like 'echoes', you had 'folds in upon itself' and you had to qualify it with 'echoes'? That's a perfectly pretty metaphor, you don't need to spell it out with echoes, the image is clear.

"My soul.
Barren as the empty night sky."

Bahhhh. Too many redundancies. 'My soul' to begin with is melodramatic, and yes, this does have a whole 'Lady in White'/Victorian gothic vibe to it, but people generally use the word soul to be saccharine ("soulmate"), bombastically religious, or emo, and this poem is not quite any of those things. "Barren as the empty night sky" is redundant, 'barren', and 'empty' refer to the same thing. Compress. What word do you want them to focus on in this couplet?

"When no stars are visible and nothing shines,
like my eyes."

Nothing shines like your eyes shine or nothing shines like your eyes aren't shining? The line break obscures the meaning, clarify. These past four lines could be condensed into one, maybe two.

"Just nothing. Upon nothing. In echoeing emptiness that no one understands.
That is me, forevermore."

Nothing, echoing and emptiness is just repeating what you've already said without adding to it. Numbness. Time without meaning. Something. There is more to you, don't doubt it. But you don't just feel one thing at once, even when you're empty. That was the beautiful thing about Frost, simplicity, or starkness, or just basic physical thing, it still had different emotions bouncing off one another, different colours creating depth. He blended the mechanical with the emotional to create stronger metaphors, and you are half way there, maybe three quarters. Don't abandon your road.

"fog surrounds me, a deepening mist......": I ain't really sure about the punctuation you used because I rarely see it in poems but maybe it'll be interesting if the punctuation go that way since I can't really think of an alternative for the sound goes that way.

I can really relate myself on your poem. I frequently feel like that: alone and oppressed.

"Just nothing. Upon nothing. In echoeing emptiness that no one understands.
That is me, forevermore.": I love these ending lines

Keep it up! Thumbs up!:)

Good work. I can relate myself to it. Being lost and alone.......... and knowing that there are no guiding stars along the way..... keep going

It's not bad. I liked the way you were able to describe depression and the way it feels like it will never get better. I did see a lot of errors in grammar, though. You haven't capitalized the beginning of a few of your sentences, and there's a few issues with punctuation you should check out. Overall, I like it, though. Your word choice in the last stanza makes a strong ending, and the theme is good. Good work.

this piece is very well written and i can feel every word written
this piece makes it very easy to relate to and as a writer that is one of the hardest things to accomplish

Keep up the good work and NEVER give up.

Haha, yeeh you must have been depressed, cause this was quite depressing. But in a really, really good way cause I loved it. Awesome imagery and brr.. I got the chills when I read it. I do though, think the structure is a bit off, the flow get's a bit choppy as the lines differ in lengths a bit too much
Other than that... This was just AMAZING!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

This poem is captures your message, really. Good job!! the imagery wasn't bad, either!! My favorite part is

When no stars are visible and nothing shines,
like my eyes. Barren of light.

Because that part really stands out in this poem, to me. It really speaks, you know, like really speaks to the reader. Good job, keep writing poems!!

Very sad, descriptive and true poem.

Deanie x