Young Writers Society

Vipers.
Their words like fangs,
the hurt the venom they infuse upon me;
hating my very core.
Just because I'm--
Different. Not normal.
Freak.
Their taunts,
making my anger burn and my eyes come alive with flames.
I want to kick scream cry thrash
Fight.
But I know I can only beat them with intellect,
and to them intellect doesn't matter.
They know I am powerless,
because I am
Freak.
Nobody comes to my rescue. Even my own friends are my enemies.
Because I am
Freak.
Like they are all the same
I sneer.
Clones. Clones. Clones Clones Clones.
I am happy,
because
I
Am
Freak.

Awesome flow you got going on. You have very original ideas. I can understand this poem very well. In fact I have Aspergers Syndrome. In short, I often feel like an outsider, or that I am not wanted in anyone's presence. Do you have Aspergers Syndrome? If not, you have just made my day. Thank you so much for writing this.

This poem, while i think it is lacking in technical flair in some respect, actually really impressed me. I felt what you were trying to evoke, to an extent, and i think the frequent enjambment of the lines does well in imitating the urgency of the author's emotions .. at least that's what i think. The opening line, Vipers, that repeated image of "something out to get you" (for want of a better word, predator? no.) works. Like 567ajt said, the ideas are great.

I also like it because i can relate, not a fellow Asperger's myself, but the "I am Freak" suits the state of mind my condition often triggers. Keep writing

Thanks so much guys!! No, I don't have Asperger's , but I am indeed labeled "Freak" everywhere I go. This poem just came out of me when I was remembering all the bad times of my school year.

Hey there!

I have a couple of things I'd like you to try. First of all, some of the sentence structure and punctuation is off in this poem. One way to remedy this is to, after you write the poem, take out all the line breaks and punctuate it as if it's prose (as much as you can). You can be creative with punctuation in poetry, but punctuating it as prose will help you sort it all out.

Secondly, consider how you connect to your audience in this piece. One thing that I think poetry is for is to help people who have never experienced something understand what it feels like. A lot of the comments on this piece already understand what you're feeling. And I'm sure I felt this way at some point, but don't any more. In what way can you bring the people who aren't currently experiencing these hurtful feelings RETURN to remembering what it felt like.

You have some potential in these lines:

the hurt the venom they infuse upon me;

and

Clones. Clones. Clones Clones Clones.

Mainly because they are some of the few that invoke IMAGERY. Imagery and comparison is essential to making your message accessible to others. By comparing something unfamiliar to something familiar, the person can start getting a better idea of what they didn't know before. So, okay, they don't necessarily have to be familiar with what a snake bite feels like, but they're familiar with physical pain, and by comparing that to your emotional pain, they're getting closer to it.

Think more about the snake bite. How does it work in the body? How does it affect you more than just hurting? What does it do?

The idea of clones is strong, too, because it evokes something naturally in the reader. CLONES can be scary or technologically exciting, but the word carries a lot of weight. Imagine how easy it would be to bring the reader closer if you expanded the idea of clones. It's an idea that you might want to experiment with.

Try these things out. Push farther into your poetry. Learn, learn, learn, and look around at what's in these forums.

Let me know if you have any questions about this review.

Hannah

This opened up so much insight for me. Thank you so much for explaining this. I might have to revise the poem in my word processor before making any changes here. Make sure I get it just the way I want it, y'know? Okay, now I Gotta Jet!

Nice :3
I don't really review poems, so this review probably leaves a lot to be desired. Sorry in advance.
One thing I noticed is that you used "I am freak." a lot. Perhaps this is on purpose, but I personally think it would sound better if it read "I am a freak." I don't know anything about poetry though, so xD
The theme is something I can relate to, I used to get bullied a lot as well. I can say that the feelings in this are very realistic. It's also slightly depressing when the character's friends join in. I think you've created a nice mix of emotions. Well done. :3

I like the theme of the poem. Being different, being a "freak" is not an easy thing. But those who are should be proud because they took the "less traveled path". This requires a great amount of courage.

I'm wondering why they call you a freak? You mention something about intellect, but I don't think they call you a freak beause of that. Perhaps, it's the clothes you wear or some other reason..or reasons.

The poem itself is the typical "I'm mistreated because I'm different" theme and, at times, that can work very well in poetry. However, in this case, I didn't find this poem very strong in my opinion. As I mentioned before you really don't describe why they're calling you a freak and you also had some puncutation problems as well. Especially when you said "I am freak" which should be "I am a freak". If you're from a different country where English is a second language or not spoken much at all...then I can understeand why you would have wrote it like that.

There is some good parts to this poem...I'm not saying it sucks or anything. It just wasn't that impressive to me.

Good luck

For reasons I'd rather not say............

Oh this poem is so strong!!! I didn't think it flowed that well.. but somehow... and this isn't supposed to be able to happen - but I kind of liked that it didn't flow for once cause this poem.. it was suppose to be a bit choppy. BTW, I've watched "There are no emotions in space" it's a swedish movie, I hate swedish movies (I'm swedish) but I love this movie, It's my favorite movie - and it's about a boy who's got aspbergers and I just love him, and it facinates me. I don't know if aspbergers was the kinda freak you were thinking of when you wrote this - but with intellect stuff I kinda felt like it ^^ Anyhowss. Very many golden stars to you for this poem!!!! I see that my opinion on this differ to the previous speaker but I donno.. It was written with simple words, little imagery, no flow and awful structur and still I just can't not love it... You're messing with my head but all I can say is.. AMAZING!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I really like this poem. A very nice message, and true to many people. I like how you repeat the freak thing. It made your point really clear. And then at the end of the poem you turned it around and made the people taunting the person seem bad. But I also found this poem kind of hard to read because of the missing commas and full stops.

My corrections are in purple. I don't know if you'll agree with all of them. Also whenever you put freak you didn't use a before it. I don;t know if you did this purposely or not? I will put it in as a correction because it makes more sense that way, but you may disagree with me.

AlexInCircusland wrote:Vipers.
Their words like fangs,
the hurt, the venom that they infuse upon me;
hating my very core.
Just because I'm--Different.
Not normal.
A Freak.
Their taunts,
making my anger burn and my eyes come alive with flames.
I want to kick, scream, cry, thrash
Fight.
But I know I can only beat them with intellect,
and to them intellect doesn't matter.
They know I am powerless,
because I am
A Freak.
Nobody comes to my rescue. Even my own friends are my enemies.
Because I am
A Freak.
But they are all the same
I sneer.Clones. Clones. Clones. Clones. Clones.
I am happy,
because
I
Am
A
Freak.

But I really liked this poem. Great Job

Deanie x