Young Writers Society

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

So, you have a few spots where your punctuation isn't that great. I mean, it just runs on and on until you get to the interrogation marks. Like:

Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.

There should be a comma between "blond" and "her" or else it doesn't make sense. I had to read it twice before I understand what you meant. There are a few other spots in here like that. And like Perse said, try and expand your vocabulary to make for a more interesting poem.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

So, you have a few spots where your punctuation isn't that great. I mean, it just runs on and on until you get to the interrogation marks. Like:

Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.

There should be a comma between "blond" and "her" or else it doesn't make sense. I had to read it twice before I understand what you meant. There are a few other spots in here like that. And like Perse said, try and expand your vocabulary to make for a more interesting poem.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hey! I like how mysterious this poem is, and you know what I think would be great? A second poem - like, a separate poem altogether, like a sequel, that perhaps answers or hints at answering some of these questions. I feel like there are a lot of questions and I'd like to hear some answers to them, but it is quite intriguing. Maybe she also wears a mask because she wants to hide because she's shy or something... who knows?

A couple of nitpicks - I thought the word "unseemly" sounded a bit out of place and would have gone for something like "unsightly" or a bit more descriptive like large or sticking out a lot or something. You also need a comma after the word "blond", and I think a couple of your lines are a bit long and disrupt the flow just a tad, so maybe consider splitting them between two lines.

A good concept though, very interesting! Nice work.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect when I started to read this poem. I thought 'Oh no, not another poem full of pointless questions' but it wasn't like that at all. It has feeling, soul and questions that you /want/ answers too. I tried to nitpick it, but I found nothing wrong with it at all.

pointe2drama wrote:
Mask

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?
Why would she hide a face?
Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.
The face must be beautiful.
Oh who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?
We would not care.
Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?
Oh why does she wear that mask? I love these lines. Brilliant
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self?
Oh who is behind that mask?

Beautiful poem. It's so simple, yet so... perfect. It's not too short, it's not too long.

Definitely keep writing because this is very, very beautiful writing.

~Crimsona

Okay, so I'm not really good at reviewing poems. But I'm determined to do my best today, so here it is!

Okay. I really liked the theme of the poem, but I think it could've done a lot more with some commas in place. For me, it's a bit awkward without them. Sometimes the rhythm seems a little off, but that just might be me. Otherwise, I really liked the 'mask' theme, and I really loved this poem, too. Keep up with the good work!

Rovyn.

Hi there.

Who is that who wears the red mask to hide her face?
Why would she hide a face?

Two questions in a row seem too much, to me. It's not a huge deal, I'm just more of a fan of answering direct questions in poems than long lists of questions. They don't say too much, and I think you could spend a lot of time unpicking and answering them.

Her hair is long and blond her body slim and meek.
The face must be beautiful.

Here, I think it would be really nice if you didn't just tell us that her body was meek, but showed us. I know it's an overused sentiment (show don't tell) but seriously in cases like this I can imagine some beautiful phrasing that would really illustrate what you're trying to put across. Use imagery, or simply a simile to make the line beautiful.

Oh who is that who wears the red mask?
Does she wear it to hide an ugly nose or unseemly ears?
We would not care.

I'm being pedantic, but you've just said that the face must be beautiful. Perhaps this line would be more effective if you said something along the lines of no features being unseemly. Better phrasing, of course.

Does she wear it for the mystery and adventure of being asked to dance for her mask?
Oh why does she wear that mask?
Is she a vain soul who wants no-one to feast on her beauty but her own self?
Oh who is behind that mask?

I'm not a huge fan of this ending. My problem is that you don't need to ask questions for your poem to be mysterious. You can use devices, words and imagery for that. Questions seem too blunt for this - to me, poem should leave people with questions, not just ask them questions.

I hoped this helped somewhat. I think you need to step away from simply asking questions and try to broaden your approach so it's a little more subtle and mysterious.

Amy

ugh. The questions really bugged me. As a reader the whole time I was frustrated because I was like, I don't know. I don't know, I DONT KNOW OKAY. I don't know, maybe try more sensory details, William Carlos William says 'no poetry except in things.' I agree with that statement.

I like it! It paints a very interesting picture. Well done!

Keep writing,
~FW~