Young Writers Society

Okay, so I finally got myself to write a poem! It's my first one in a couple months, so it might not be the greatest. Meh, I liked it...mostly because I finally wrote one, but hush! Anywho, thanks for any reviews!

The delicate rose,
With the edge of a sword.
The perfect beauty,
with too many flaws.
The innocent dreamer,
with a horrible sting.
The one who's been silenced,
and still longs to sing.

But you can't have a mountain,
short of the sediment
and you can't have a happy ending
without the hardships.
But they shan't grant me wings,
for fear I will fly
and they won't let me run,
they don't want me to go too far.

They had me bound by small terrors
and I've long loosened the strings.
So Daddy it's time to let go now,
to let your little girl go free.

AWW isha! This is soo sweet. You make a good point about parents letting go, it's hard for them to do but they must loosen the leash bit by bit until the child is free. It's a happy yet sad poem. I can see why your dad cried! Keep on writing. (ya sorry i suck at reviews!)

I love this Poem Isha I agree with Emmy about how it's true that parents need to loosen the leash bit by bit. Keep Writing - Shamrock

Thanks so much guys!
I'm glad you liked it

Oooh, Darling! I love the meaning behind this poem. It's so easily relate-able and you have some great lines sticking here and there!

The delicate rose,
With the edge of a sword.
The perfect beauty,
with too many flaws.
The innocent dreamer,
with a horrible sting.
The one who's been silenced,
and still longs to sing.

I wasn't entirely sure what you were trying to get at with this section. Your second part, "The perfect beauty with too many flaws." leads me to believe you're trying to talk about some kind of irony, but the other lines don't present it as well. Whatever you're trying to get at, I think you should pick one good image and stick with it, instead of writing several. Just take one, the best, and expand on it. Make it larger than two lines, make it be the life of your poem. Also, I wasn't entirely certain how this part connected to the rest of the poem, either? I'm but I'm not going to leave it out. ^^ You probably know what you're doing with it.

But you can't have a mountain,
short of the sediment
and you can't have a happy ending
without the hardships.
But they shan't grant me wings,
for fear I will fly
and they won't let me run,
they don't want me to go too far.

This part I understood a little better, but like the above stanza I think you should focus on one type of imagery and stick to it. I think you should find a more creative way to explain that you can't be happy without difficulty. I again wasn't so sure how these too parts tied together (The first four lines with the last four lines) but what I think you're trying to say is that, you need bad things to be happy, so they should let you go because they can't protect you from the bad? You need to have the bad for the good, but they're just sheltering you?

hey had me bound by small terrors
and I've long loosened the strings.
So Daddy it's time to let go now,
to let your little girl go free.

And, of course, the last stanza. A nice request! I think you should explain "small terrors" better. What are they? Can you describe them in detail? You want to make us feel everything like the speaker is feeling it.

Like I said, you have a great message here because even though I'm nearly 20 I deal with the SAME problem of my parents not "letting go" of me when I feel they should. So, that's awesome. Having a good idea is the hardest part for me! Now I think you just need to focus your ideas and get the description to a stronger point so you can really pull the reader in and punch them in the mouth with your words, if you know what I mean! Best of luck!!

I'll remember that, although I will say it makes a whole lot more sense if you're my dad. He knows what I'm talking about xD
I suppose I should have said that before though. All of those phrases hold meaning to us... heheh...
Thanks Suz!

Heya,

I like this loads (I normally would say a lot but my bipolar history teacher yelled at me today for saying I liked his class a lot. He said it's because a lot means like a lot of cars not very much. Sorry. This was off topic xD) Anyway, this was very good. The rhythm was off in a couple of places. Normally, I wouldn't like the random rhyme scheme but he it worked. I actually didn't realize it was about parents and such until I read 'Daddy'.

I don't understand what you mean when you say 'The innocent dreamer with the horrible sting'. For all of the comparisons, they seem to be loose oxymorons. For this though, what does stings have to do with dreaming? I really liked the rose line, instead of using the average rose with a thorn you used rose with the side of a sword which was unique.

Favorite line?

But they shan't grant me wings,
for fear I will fly

^ I love that.

If this is your first poem in months then BRAVO!!! I applaud you on a job well done. No, that's sounds too teacher formal. THIS WAS AWESOME.

That's more like it. xD

~Jasmine Bells~

i love your poem your dad and my dad would get along perfectly he says tht if he lets me go anywhere hes afraid ill run away from him so everytime i go somewhere wit my friends he has one of his employees follow us and keep an eye on me though i absolutly love your poem though it has GREAT word choice and poetic indignance
marveling at your poem
-dragons

lol, nice! I finally got my dad to stop following me and my friends to our movie rental place whenever we went to take one out. He always made up an excuse like, "Oh, I was just returning a movie." when we had none taken out in the first place.

Parents...sheesh.

Thanks!!
Oh, and thanks Jas too!

I love the first part the most....beautiful images that really make you think about them, question them. This is a really good poem even if you think it's kinda rough!

Awwe! Thanks! My favourite is the first:

A delicate rose
with the edge of a sword

I really liked it . The first stanza had great imagery and it fit well. I agree with that person above though, the dreamer with the sting is weird. Something is cool about it though, even if I don't understand . My only real problem with this was, as I was reading through, I felt the rhythm was thrown off at the line: "they don't want me to go too far". It had too many syllables. Fix that and I think it all flows well. Its a great poem, I hope you start writing more .

Wow this reminds me about how my mom feels about me growing up. Awesome job isha! I really think it's a good poem (better than mine ha ha). I love the imagery you used too

The perfect beauty,
with too many flaws.

That is my favorite!

Hi Isha!

I understand that this poem is a bit old, and it was one of your first. I really like it though. It seems pretty much perfect to me - though there is always room for improvement. But to me at least, its perfect! It is so easy to relate to.

These have to be my favourite lines:

Isha wrote:So Daddy it's time to let go now,
to let your little girl go free.

You used great language and metaphors there, which was real nice to see. Just a fabulous poem!

Deanie x