Young Writers Society

Temptations are knocking,
There outside my door,
God please protect me,
As you once did before,
Don’t let me surrender,
My life for a thrill,
Show me that fun,
Doesn’t come in a pill,
Don’t let me jump,
Because they say I can fly,
My life’s just begun,
I’m not ready to die.

Like I said and everyone else said if u are going to rhyme do all of it rhyming.Don't have it some here and some there it kinda makes it childish.Hard to follow but I can see u getting better than this and overall I liked it.

for itto be a poemit doesnt all ways have to rhym some poems never have 1 rhym so it doesn't all ways have to rhym

Yes, but the fact that only some of it rhymes, does make it sound a little odd.

It's not always necessary to have a consistant rhyming scheme, but in this case, it didn't really do anything for the poem. Another thing that might make it better is to play with the sences, feelings and images, or even smells.

I can see you are getting better at writing your poems but their is still alot missing, like Reichieru said, play with the sences, feelings and images. It gives it more depth, and your right when you say not every poem has to ryhme but if you have a rhyme here and a rhyme there it doesn't really work, you have to ethier have no ryhme at all or a constant ryhme sceame. And this one rhyme right here seems like you said it only because it rhymed, DON'T DO THIS! it is a very common mistake that I used to do and still do.

"Show me that fun,
Doesn’t come in a pill,"

And here:

"Don’t let me surrender,
My life for a thrill,"

What? what does this mean? very confusing to me and it also didn't flow. But youa re inproving! keep writing!

i thougth that was awsome. i understood all of it

hekategirl wrote:
"Show me that fun,
Doesn’t come in a pill,"

And here:

"Don’t let me surrender,
My life for a thrill,"

What? what does this mean?

I think that she is talkin about drugs; i may be wrong but i am pretty sure thats what she is talking about, if im wrong tell me what it is about then.

i think it was something about taking drugs. overall i liked it when she said it but now that i have the time ot think of it it's kinda strange.... and i don't like rhyming poems, hard to get the meaning through if your rhyme makes a weird notion.

Yea exactly what my girl the black rose said.