Young Writers Society

Ok im not sure where to put this poem so it will have to do in here

Ok here goes
The Real World

Welcome to the real world,
labour away
just to have your employers take your pay away

so welcome to this world so grand,
so bland,
so deprived of life,

welcome to this life
enjoy it while you can
because one day it shall all be gone
may it stay in your memory forever
until the grave comes



Copyright © Shadow Knight

Im open to comments

Pretty good, but a couple little things.

so welcome to this world so grand

so bland
so deprived of life

I think it should be rewritten like this

So welcome to this world.
So grand,
So bland,
So deprived of life.

Notice how I added puncuation. You should probably do this. Okay I feel like a hypocrite right now, but I have been making an effort to use it a little more. You just have to know when to use it. I'll leave the rest of the puncuation up to you.

Also the last line of the first stanza should definitely be split into two lines.

Keep on writing!

Ok here goes
The Real World

okay...i am assuming that this is not part of your poem...i thought that it was, so pleasedo something about it...

Welcome to the real world,
labour away
just to have your employers take your pay away

Okay...this doesn't flow well at all. I liked the first line, the second was too short though... also, who cares about people taking pay away except the people affected..

so welcome to this world so grand

this leaves me saying "huh?" you need to change it, rearrange it, do something!

so bland
so deprived of life

I would suggest moving this to be a complete stanza with the so welcome to this world so grand line...

welcome to this life
may you enjoy it while you can can

can can? just a little typo...also, i don't like may you enjoy it....i would take out the may you...

one day it shall all be gone

ALL?? It confuses your reader ( or maybe its only me)

may it stay in your memory forever
'till the grave come

You used may twice..in the same way..AHH

no..jk... I didn't like the word 'till at all... It annoyed me... come should be comes and you need a stronger ending....

All right...almost done, i promise! First of all, how does employers taking pay away go to deprived of life to it shall all be gone to 'till the grave come.... It makes no sense and doesn't flow...I read this and thought, so what? You didn't appeal to emotions, it didn't flow, etc. As someone on this board once told me, say how it makes YOU feel... That is how to get a good poem..

One last thing... I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have discovered one thing... you can never learn if you can't take/don't get any criticism..

Anyway, keep writing, don't get discouraged

Ok ok, let me clear up a few things, 1 i don't write poems professionaly, i just write one every now and then, i actually write short stories and novels. 2 I said i was open to all comments, meaning i wanted criticism.

Ok, now that thats all cleared up, thanks for helping!

I actually like this poem. It is very deep.

Nooooooo! you weren't supposed to read this Neonshorty...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I ACTUALLY ENJOYED THAT.
AND YOU SAID I WOULDN'T LIKE YOUR POEMS.

I enjoyed it, but it needs to be longer to really have an impact on the reader.

hey
radical poem
luv ya